Happiness is Overrated

So I have to get some goals and objectives for my contract for next year to continue to receive services. I’ve mentioned before the change of how to measure my goals has changed for my contract. This change is scaring the hell out of me, and it is making me wonder why am I in services if I will be held with higher accountability. They claim its supposed to help me reach my goals, but I feel like its going to make me have to meet standards and never fall back if something legitimately forces me to go back.
I’ve seen these high accountability standards hitting the people who suffer with borderline disabilities, the ones you can’t “see” since it doesn’t take over your body. And as such, we have to meet high standards.  I know friends who have suffered with high expectations. Some tried to kill themselves, and some that had dropped out of high school alltogether. While I am not in school, and if I keep up becoming an icicle, because I am scared to death with trying to keep the authorities happy, I still feel like meeting high standards are going to make me fall backwards and not forwards, and I have to hold my self accountable in a higher level since I have a form of high functioning autism. Can you see why I am tired of feeling so “high” pardon a pun?
I don’t feel like I have the power to meet standards for myself. I feel like my freedom has been taken away thanks to the government regulating the shit out of the most vulnerable citizens of society.
RELATED: THE IDEAL LADY – SOMETHING I HAVE TO WITHHELD TO MY SUPPORT GROUP
I am required to meet with someone via the phone in a couple of days to go over my goals.  And I’ll tell her that my goal is to get out of the services by I dunno, in a couple of years. And I’ll tell her its because of these regulations that are making me get out, instead of retaining me as long as I need my services. Sure I may not work 40 hours in the next few years, sure I will try to succeed without bitching, but these kinds of practices wants me to kill myself  (sorry for mentioning this during such timing.)
I had switched services during this time a few years ago, and the contract starts in January and ends in December, so the planning just doesn’t help during the holiday season.
I’m tired of having to be the slave for other people’s happiness. It’s not about my future, its about meeting other peoples expectations that happens to be labeled as “my future”.
RELATED: MY ORIGINAL THOUGHTS THAT MY HAPPINESS NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE
I don’t want to sound like an anti-government, Constitution flaunting; the world should revolve in 1776 all the time, (because I don’t fully-subscribe to those views at all)  but sometimes government does take your freedom away in order to get services or funding.
The only thing I would like – is to be happy without being put under a microscope and be held hostage to meet other people’s expectations for my happiness.

Newtown Tragedy – Perspective

It has been 2 days since the gunman killed almost 2 dozen children and 5 women in a “little town” in a Connecticut Elementary school. I would like to take a few minutes to break some things down.

  • This morning, details about the “mother” of the gunman killed in one of the classrooms turns out she didn’t work for that school. Yesterday, it was believed  that she was a temp employee. So now knowing that he didn’t kill his mother; what made him go there?
  • The medical examination believes that the children had died on impact given how little they were and how one bullet or so could take them out entirely
  • And this gunman had blown the glass on the door to get in since the school was locked shut unless you have a key card, or you don’t look like that dude when you appear on the CCTV camera.

These sorts of questions are a big mystery, and since he killed himself, it makes the investigation a little more difficult.
RELATED: Original thoughts on the Tragedy in Connecticut.
 
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What made him kill? What was so wrong at home for him to blow peoples heads off? Why did he pull triggers instead of doing a hostage situation, which could had been less life threatening?
What is worse is schools will have to ether make their buildings more bullet-proof (translation: becoming corrections facilities). The SWAT teams wouldn’t work because he already killed tons of  people prior to their arrival.
The acts against the most youngest people in society is just sad.
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Not to minimize this story, but I do doubt about how the media has described this “small town” in the New York Tristate area. Since most of the media is from New York, apparently their scalability of communities is much different than my perception. Newtown has 27,000 or so people. That is same (or similar) for towns like North Andover, Massachusetts;  Londonderry, New Hampshire and Attleboro, Massachusetts.  Such towns typically (at least the one I’ve mentioned)  have a significant school aged population and/or is a “bedroom community” as the media have described about  Newtown.  I’ve heard descriptions such as “everyone knew by name”. But this “tight-knit” might be describing how the entire town knew the principal at Sandy Hook Elementary instead of knowing their neighbors or socializing in the local stores, etc.
The “small town” part should be taken with skepticism.
The definition of the “small town” has gone away sadly to say at least around here. When I was growing up, I was under the impression the “small town.” I was living in was what my family described, and it turns out I was mislead. It was in the past, not in the present! I love the ideal of a “small town”, a community that isn’t so judgmental, or they at least talk to you, and they don’t mind their business and they know you by name. Where I live, the neighbors around me are much older, and grew up in the town that was once a real “small town”. Today it has changed, I won’t go into details since it would be improper, but it will give me an idea to write in the future.

Newtown Tragedy

I try to not be a journalist on this blog, but today makes me get my inner-reporter to kick in and have a mini-editorial. It does however focus on relationships.
My heart goes out to the victims of the elementary school shooting in Newtown Connecticut. The shooting was the second largest massacre in US history. There was more victims than Virginia Tech and Columbine and unlike those who perished, these were young kids! The school was a kindergarten to 4th grade school. most of these children were under the age of 10, young and innocent like it should be. Parents had expected their kids to start school on a normal day on Friday with the weather nice and sunny and a teensy mild for the area.
No parent was expecting a reversed 9-1-1 call today from the local emergency communications bureau to give them the OK to show up to a staging area to see if their kid would arrive unscathed physically or emotionally.
No parent should have been in New York (or even Bridgeport) and going back home  to the longest drive in their lives to see if their “baby” was still alive. Remember, these dead were kindergardeners – 5 years old!
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The Ideal Girl

My Ideal Girl - coming on Thursday
This will be a reoccurring feature  from time to time to show you publicly my definition of The Ideal Girl
These pictures were handdrawn, or sketched and enhanced through Photoshop, the latter is a new skill. You’ll see this work throughout this post. Also, the girl is the same, but again, various conditions caused this girl to not look consistent.
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Little rant…

has anyone experienced the front page of WordPress.com looking very retarded?
I wasted two minutes trying to get to my blog’s dashboard.
And why is everything on the Net becoming retarded? My Yahoo Mail has gone GMail thanks to the Google transplants coming to Yahoo and making things cleaner and more feeble minded. Oh, don’t get me started with Twitter.
 

I really missed Yahoo Mail's client-like user interface. It worked a lot like Lotus Notes (the UI similarities is the reason.) It has progressively gotten ruined and todays forced change by Marisa Mayer (the dumb blond CEO) wanted to make the expierence simple (read DUMB) and faster (read more like a Text Only website or just like Gmail.)Hiddious.

I really missed Yahoo Mail’s client-like user interface. It worked a lot like Lotus Notes (the UI similarities is the reason.) It has progressively gotten ruined and todays forced change by Marisa Mayer (the dumb blond CEO) wanted to make the expierence simple (read DUMB) and faster (read more like a Text Only website or just like Gmail.)
Hiddious.


Oh, I really hate the World Wide Web now.
Anyways, don’t be alarmed if I can’t get things posted properly thanks to the lovely new innovation called the “cloud” – computing for dumb people.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I had a meeting with my support team for my services earlier yesterday. I want to keep such sensitive information private, since I do not want to exploit such special needs services. Part of it is  such a political drama over the last few years. The Great Recession hasn’t helped the manners. However, the New Year is coming, and I am trying to survive a day to day live meanwhile having to deal with more and more accountability and additional people-pleasing. This New Year mentality is starting to become something I’m not looking forward to.

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Coming up on Thursday…

I know what I’m looking for in a girl (even if I am totally dissing my hopes for a dream girl, as per to my Countdown, and current beliefs.)
I have an Ideal Girl drawn out and outlined to the detail!
My Ideal Girl - coming on Thursday
You’ll have to wait till Thursday when I uncover my Dream Girl. Keep Following and Stay Tuned!

A Fictional Story on Admission of Romance

A story that is 100% fiction, and is slightly based loosely on my experiences with romance.
A guy has a crush on a cute girl. She’s about 5′ 3″, (taller with various heeled shoes) slender, long dark brown hair, brown eyes, with a nice personality. In the real world, its hard to come by. She works as a store clerk for a random retail firm.
The guy went to this store and saw this girl for the first time. The girl says “hi” and for someone like this guy he got fluttered and was taken off guard. As he was looking around of things he’d love to have, but can’t spend too much or he doesn’t have space for them (he is underemployed, and has to live in a certain amount to get disability benefits.) The guy’s heart started to get warm, and his hormones would start to fire up.
He leaves the shop, hoping he would see her again.
He comes back a week later, and starts to flirt with her again. (Turns out when he isn’t there, this girl flirts with other people.) Repeat that a few other times.
Well he came back one time, got a few things, and depending on the social protocol; he starts to say things like “I like you.” He can’t go beyond those three words. Another time he comes back, he sees her, and says something even more stronger. He blurts out inadvertently “I love you.” She didn’t like that statement, and started to feel threatened.  It was then, that he blew it, and that place was cursed forever, he decided to not go there anymore. This experience confirmed to his beliefs that love is too good to be true – if its too good to be true, then it must be.
He goes home to his room on the attic level of his mother’s house (lives in a “cape” type house.) and just cries to sleep because he can’t do anything right. He feels like he doesn’t feel like he has the entitlement of a romantic relationship, and in every previous experience was just a gawddang infatuation.
The End.