Category Archives: “Friends”

The Defining Reasons Why Women Have to be Skeptical

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I went and searched online why women are skeptical about a couple weeks ago.
This was the result.
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Right out of the box, my own blog earlier asking this question came up on the Bing results, as the first hit!
 
I was searching for other resources because  I really don’t get the idea why women have to question things. I don’t know if its a genetic thing or what. The Yahoo Questions was in the context of dating, and why girls are skiddish. That its an obvious answer, they are afraid of being taken advantage in the sexual way. That is interesting, because girls are weird thinking they can come off a as serious person but looking skanky at the same time.
So what about someone like me? Why do women of all types, middle age, young, girls around my age always seem to be generically skeptical? Let me be fair, there are men that can be pretty skeptical too. I felt that such second-guessing or  strong skepticism caused me to not be as serious. Its like people judge people guilty until proven innocent, and maybe that’s where I got that logic from.
Skepticism needs to be done at the proper timing, generally questioning someone in my view is like at times being interrogated or even being talked down.
Maybe I am misreading cues, maybe I’ve viewed such skepticism the wrong way. Maybe I just don’t look like I’m questionable because that is something I have dealt with since existence.

Christmas

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I’ve lost my love for Christmas.
I’ve lost it not for reasons like loosing beliefs on various parts of the holiday, its the troubles of understanding the real meaning because of the collapse of my world of relationships.
Let’s start with the family aspect. My family has collapsed under my watch since my younger days, and the days where I was living in a very narrow world. At a young age, I’ve witnessed my family’s depression, the divorce of my maternal grandparents, and my other parts of my family causing “drama” to the most severest degree. I do not want to go into further details, to protect my family’s innocence, and to not dare I say exploit them, and to keep my identity private, if I give more hints.
Regardless, as we have closed that chapter of our lives, it’s still bothersome.
Friends. Now Christmas time isn’t all about family, (although if I was a real practicing Christian, I’d assume it would be at least 99% family focused) but it could be about friends. As I mentioned on this blog before, I’ve dealt with over a couple years of having to sort out the remaining social circle from high school that has been dormant in my life since. I will say my social circle has been very small, and was known to be vulnerable due do the size and my emotional, developmental and social dysfunctions. With that being said, having to deal with a constant change of people coming and going out of my life has made it even more tougher. This is a known fact for people with ASD that they can’t stand constant changes in the social world.
I feel very alone, and I feel so disconnected than ever before in my life. Now, as I said earlier, I know I need to change different things in order to be likeable. But I do understand giving how different I am, and a “true friendship” requires common goals, ideals and beliefs. If I can’t meet those points, then I am doomed to failure, which is why I have attempted by the beginning of next year to avoid social contact.
The faith is another component of the frustrations of the understanding of the holiday. I’ve lost faith with god and christ as time went on. As I noticed disasters occurring in various parts of the world, I started to come to a conclusion that God was attempting to terrorize the respected locations. My mother is a “born again Christan” and such beliefs have caused gridlock to agreement. My mother has said that God does not do such things (one example was the first-known earthquake I had experienced in October.) With such disagreement, I’ve kinda kept religion as a taboo subject with my own mother! I feel the devil had created me, and why would god create misfits of such number (if you believe the Centers for Disease Control’s figures of 1 and 88 children) and why is there a higher number for boys? Does god have  something against boys and men? I’m skeptical, I feel like I am under siege, even if not me by-name, but generically being targeted.
The last part is this secular, agnostic, Switzerland nation we are becoming. The War on Christmas has been a haughty issue for quite a while now. I’ve gotten into intellectual arguments about taking away Christ into Christmas, especially in the publicly funded school systems. The States have become an apologist for the minorities, and instead of integrating the Jewish, and now the large growing Hindu religions, we have ether done a zero-tolerance (aka reversed-hate speech) against the Christan population by a) having just a “holiday party” or in some locales, celebrate all other minority holidays and zero-out Christmas entirely. First Grade in 1993, was the only time I had remembered both a Christmas and a Hannakuah party or celebrations. That is what one would call “diversity”.
I’ve learned that “Holiday” isn’t just a Holy Day (as the word derives from) but its a word to sound more sophisticated – ala sounding sexy, because the European movement has sadly gone west to America.  Of course, there has been a lot of outrage for using “Happy Holidays” during Christmas, but I’ve noticed as early as 5 years ago, that this cancer has spread over to the Thanksgiving holiday. I would be asked, “how was your holiday”, instead of “how was your Thanksgiving?”  I’ve find it more offensive using Holiday for a reference for Thanksgiving.
I am not the most religious person around, but it is sad that the minority of a group of hard working people, who would rather work almost every day out of the year, and a bunch of hateful crybabies would take away a TRUE holiday and ruin it for the rest of the population. Say what you want about the summertime, people take time off here and there, but no place totally shuts down like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and in the olden days New Years. Having a whole village shut down for a day, give an illusion that it is a day of rest from the daily routine. Typically I don’t watch much TV such as news (since I could watch it for the other 365 days)  or sports (since pro football has one primetime game that night and hockey takes the holiday and basketball does nothing for me) and typically I’d watch a movie or two. The radio stations play Christmas music all day long with limited commercials during the peak hours, and I’m with the family during the whole day.
I’d be really disappointed if Thanksgiving will be taken away as a true holiday and obviously Christmas as time goes on.
These thoughts is how the crippling self  perceives the slow coming of a crippling holiday

Why aren’t there cards for people who are Love-confused?

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After the disaster earlier today, I would like to find a card for my mother (NOT as a kiss-up) but something of significance. Unfortunately, I’m likely a minority, so there aren’t any cards for someone who doesn’t know why he can’t fully love his mother.
But why aren’t there any? There’s got to be a few confused people out there.

Merry Christmas! *sarcasm*

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Earlier this afternoon, my day went to hell.
It started this morning, when the mother noticed something on the table. Apparently I am a messy person, or I should admit I am a messy person. Sometimes I don’t clean off the table like I should. In anyway, I felt offended.
My mother was away for today and she came home, and I was still moody because I am tired of being criticized for sustaining a messy dining table, even when I am TRYING to do better, something of which I never get any praise for.
I got impatient after being criticized, and I threw a cardboard file box across the living room floor. I also threw a few uncontrollable f-bombs, but I was really getting offended by being criticized again and again.
At the same time, we were attempting to set up the Christmas Tree. If it weren’t for my mother’s statements this morning, we wouldn’t gotten into a swearing match, dropping things and having to restrain my mother from not throwing the Christmas Tree outside and making a scene in the neighborhood.
I admit, I’ve learned bad anger management skills from my mother.
We made an agreement when we moved over to the new house, we wouldn’t be in such high stress level compared to living at my grandmothers, she’ll be moving in the coming months, and she gets scared by our high strung arguments.
I think the problem is a relationship is broken and it is beyond repair -and it has been that way for a long time. This story doesn’t end yet
Meanwhile as this hell erupted, I have a meeting next week for planning next years services. My mother wants to kick me out and live on housing. Something I do not want to do. I don’t want to live in cheapass housing, and having the fear of the apartment burning down because some retard did something he wasn’t supposed to do. I live in Greater Boston, and you need to make at least $30,000 to live in some decent apartment. My mother has on and off this idea of moving out. For a long time she wanted out, but that was before she bought a house.
I had said on a number of occasions that I wished I was never born, and earlier on today that I wanted to put a noose over my neck. Those two statements I still defend. I have no idea how the world would be if I didn’t exist. I think about that alot. I don’t see the importance of my existence sometimes. My mother threatened me if I made another statement, she would put me to the psycho ward. And where I live, police officers bring people to the psych ward, since in my state it is illegal to kill yourself, and I guess if I attempt to do that, I violate state law. Well I’m surprised there hasn’t been a New Hampshire law prohibiting autistics to exist in this state – at least not yet. If society had it their way, they would make it illegal to have autism.
My mother has made mistakes in my upbringing. I’ve not said that explicitly here; nor do I choose blame her for her mistakes.  I know I’ve made mistakes too. Though in the last few months I’ve heard various “statements” that shes said about my upbringing that was very hurtful to me. I can’t think of examples, and I will not disclose this on this blog. Such statements, I wouldn’t even thought of.
Our relationship has been endanger for quite a while now. The last time housing brought up was in August, during a very stressful time. Christmas is depressing and the regular stress has just increased. I’ve lost faith of higher power, since those same higher power have terrorized my area on a number of occasions the last few years.  I strongly believe in the devil.
If you are ignorant about ASD or autism, if you read the beginning, you may think I am a jerk, well what really bothers me is why are the real jerks not getting punished? Some of these self-absorbed morons  are my family! Such actions have occurred during this time of year. My existence to date, I’ve seen my family fall apart, and some believe that family is more important than friends, but I don’t like how small my family is now.
Another thing that very few people know about is my father, someone who I don’t even know! I’ve heard bits and pieces since I was 15. It was then I found out I was missing something else. My classmates in middle school were the inappropriate group that had brought this attention to me. And as time has gone on, I am feeling more and more that I should had a father, well what did my mother know when she had me at 16? Apparently my mother was under the impression her first love would be the one that lasted forever, and such young ignorance turned out to be quite different. My mother has said he was “verbally abusive” and explained details about that description.
I don’t know if I am better off without him or not. What I do know is my life is ending. There is no hope going forward. The amount of stupid people has made my future looking bleaker. I am planning going into 2013 (if I’m not lucky to die before then) to work, and be a fucking slave, and working my ass off (at least 20 hours a week) and get a paycheck and hopefully it won’t screw up my benefits because my services require a form of Medicaid for them to provide services and live on my own, since my mother has said we might have a better relationship not being closely together. Of course, the pursuit of romance will have to be crossed off depending on the housing, I can’t have her come over. Let alone how there are so many Valley Girls in my area, they are very narrow minded people, they only want a man with money and that can drive. I can’t drive because there so many self-absorbed Boston drivers on the local highways!
I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be posting this story at all. Given how my mother has admitted at failure of being a better mother, there really is no need for this blog huh? I’m hoping I can exit out with grace from all the alleged mistakes I and my old and current support team and my mother has made.
And they say that autism isn’t caused by lack of empathy from the mother, or a mothers parenting style? That’s a lie, they don’t want to offend the mother. Apparently my mother has made so many mistakes, that lead for me to explain this.
I do know one thing for sure, I don’t care about love anymore. I understand that love should be a dirty word. Its a bad word. Hate is the new love in my opinion. Love has no meaning anymore generically and to my own personal situation. If I don’t understand my own relationship with my mother, and if I can’t grasp that, then how in the hell can I have any relationships?
Hence my title.

Biting ones tounge

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Silence is golden. As painful as that sounds, I am doing the people in my life a favor.

I “bite” my tongue because
I don’t want to offend anyone;
I don’t want to set someone off;
I don’t want to ruffle one’s feathers;
I don’t want to come off as crude, rude, hateful or bitter;
I don’t want to create any unneeded hostility
That I don’t want to be one of those crazy minded, “delusional”  types

I have “bitten” my tongue for a long time, allowing the pain to go down my body.
This effect has caused my tongue to become “infected” – therefore I can’t
“speak”.
Unfortunately it is best for me to stay quiet – even if it hurts the close people in my life.
I can talk, and I should have the right to speak my mind; but in order to “be nice” its best I just stay quiet, because when I start talking, I set my self up for trouble.
There are so many things on my mind, but the people I talk to are probably not willing to hear me repeat my issues over and over, and the significant troubles of my relationships and the inability to fix them because beyond repairable.
I am doing the people in my life a favor by just zipping it.

I didn’t ask to be a hermit…it just happend that way

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Before my 21st birthday, the last day of grade school for me; I had considered that maybe I didn’t need to work and just live at home all day and all night, and not have any social interaction.
That didn’t go so well!!!
After getting some opposition to such plan, I didn’t do the work thing, because maybe having a social life could be a potential. (As you already know, I’ve had struggles in my life in that department.)
Now as 2013 comes along, I’ve decided the only goal in the next year is to finally find a job and just work. This world is pretty fucked up; and people do judge people by their job, their line of work, or hell even the company they work for. By not having any of that social status, I am a piece of a turd, and I am a non-existent person in society. (That latter statement could be me just being delusional.)
Notice that I didn’t state anything about a social life. This is how I am going to tackle this with my support team:

  • Society is ignorant
  • Society is not open minded
  • Society is narrow-minded
  • There are a lot of judgmental people, and when I mean judgmental, it’s a negative type
  • People are used to sensational media driving crime, typically against men (such as WMUR-TV Manchester comes to my mind and other media that synthesizes such crimes and blows the stories out of proportion. Media agencies claim they are educating and informing the public with is bullshit if you asked me.)
  • Statistically, women are victims of abuse. Same applies to people with disabilities, though that would offend the women’s groups. Women want to be treated with respect, but yet they will cry foul if they dress provocatively and seeking that attention to later deflect.

The following concerns base on my personal experience dealing with autism

  • Whether or not its seriously an issue with the ASD; there is a strong emphasis on “social skills”. Alleged “normal” people have never been taught formal skills; and these special ed institutions* have drilled black-and-white logic into our brains to socialize. However outside of the institutions; people can look down on their phones, people can cut one and another off; that etiquette can fly out of the window; and most social relationships appear to be one-way. The “normal” or the psycho-babble’s “nerotypical”, “typical” or NT never gets shunned for their anti-social behavior.
  • Some people do think Autism is a disease. They are just plain creeped out of my group
  • Society has defined that autistic people are mute and dumb. Some people think they fun to be with  in a professional relationship, but allegedly they have a fuck you approach off the clock. So much for being nice with them when you are getting your pay check!
  • I’ve asked a question online hypothetically if they would be willing to date someone with autism, and there was limited hopes.
  • There aren’t enough fish in the sea in my case. Except for my fancy goldfish I have had for almost 5 years.

*when you are in a 9 hour school program (depending on the ride times on the school bus) – miles away from your hometown that really isn’t “home” I’d highly bet you would feel you were put into a state institution.
I got a comment on the Facebook Page companion of this blog from a “Sandy Gallagher” (whom of which found my other blog’s facebook page) that I was being too bitter, and giving me advice that was out of line. (That comment was since deleted, because it didn’t meet the standards for responses.) This user must have had perceived me as someone living in my mothers basement 24×7. Well given this record 10 months of summer she’s probably right! This user appeared to be a motherly type, and going back to the subject in hand, doesn’t know the full story, and she probably didn’t read the stories beyond the Facebook hotlinks. And this is how the real world thinks too. People are very quick to judge people, and this kind of psyche is something I am strongly aware of.
I’ve mentioned the reality, so heres the deal:

  • Get a fucking job! Give me some financial independence (allegedly) and allegedly girls find it sexually arousing when someone works and makes money. That’s from what I heard. Also my day services were originally used for fixed contract of a work program; I will request the budget to focus on the work program and the other services can be reassigned or be cut out entirely.
  • Kiss my social hopes goodbye. I am well aware I am an oddball, and in order to have a “healthy relationship”, I need to find people with similar interests. Well most females aren’t geeky, and they have created a sexism of tech isn’t for girls. (fuck those feminists twerps!) So with that said, I am not going to waste my precious time finding someone that is likeminded.
  • Save my energy and wallet! I will not waste time or energy of trying to get someone to like/accept/appreciate me. Remember how I would piss money down the drain just to get the girl to show my presence? The lack of warm relationships with a vast majortiy of people I know, have caused me to exit the narrow-minded/self-centered group aka people with Pervasive Developmental Disorders to go into the wild of strangers and trying to get a lady to like me and not know I am that messed up! For the last five years its failed! Insanity is defined of repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome – well I will break it!

I’ve chosen for my application of life, going to a less social environment will help me. And its attributed to the ignorance and lack of affection in society. I can’t say how really severe my autism is, but it has tainted my view of “relationships” and maybe it was poor upbringings, my mother’s lack of love coming from her family and other things I can’t discuss publicly or elaborate.
I am really saddened that people with a wheelchairs are accepted; people with that damned Down’s Syndrome are somewhat accepted, illegal aliens, Indians, Blacks, Asians are accepted in the Millennial generation, but forbids anyone with the former disabilities, or autistic disorders, whether they are severe, or extremely mild like the unrelated Asperger Syndrome. It makes no sense.
I think inter-relational between normal people and PDD individuals will take at least 50 years the earliest. If my prediction is clear (which some of my predictions ring true); I’ll be 75 years old. And I sadly believe this is true.
I am already preparing the worst, and just trying to turn off that switch is the only thing that will be best for society.
Yes, its fucked up. Yes, its a shame. Yes, this is perverted – but it is what it is. I have to accept that being anti-social is the best option for me in the near to long term future. There are types and specific people that I can attribute this to, but I’ll be the nice guy and stay quiet and zip it!

Green Light Day – Sucessful Flirting!

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Today my chick radar shown a lot of green on the screen!
All across the board, I got some female affection. I went out today, from the local mall, to the local hockey game and in between I got some girls attention!
I got thrown offguard by a couple ladies at one store who appeared to be showing interest. Often this one and a hundred occurrences causes me to get severely shy.
Part of it, was I had a sincere smile, enough to get the the girl to hopefully cave in and return the favor.
Regardless, lets file this little good news, and expect to see a repeating story in like 9 months, since this one and hundred cases have a long spread of time inbetween.

The Search for Romance

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I’ve heard a billion* different stories of how someone met their love of their life. Ranging from online dating websites, to Facebook (don’t get me started), even old fashioned medium like the ol’ CB** or even meeting the love of their life at the local turnpike toll booth. Or even going to the same restaurant and starting a relationship with the waiter.
*it feels like a billion, whether or not I counted to a billion is another question.
** Citizens Band 2 way radio if you are product from the 1990s onwards and is generally clueless person about things before your time
I can tell you that all my stories about love is something you expect as a 6th grader, and oh boy when people inquire about me crushing on somebody, it often entails embarrassment, regret and other childlike feelings that you expect for a 11 year old.
The only semi sweet story was that “Jessica” lived up the street from me, and the childish love I would endure, only because she treated me like crap weeks after. But nothing ever happened, just plain ol heartbreaks or mixed messages or plain old shutdowns of one and other. I suppose that story is really just stale and depressing.
In anyway, in 2 months the goal is to find the Search for a Career In Turn for a Girl to Like and Respect me as a Mature Man since He Allegedly has Goals for Himself. What a title for that Search huh?

Take Your Pick – Who would you want to Date?

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If you have ether followed this blog, or even my other blog, I have kept my likeness as minimal as possible. First, that people would figure out who I was and secondly, I wanted to keep a humble appearance by not showing a picture of me. (That was inspired by a large market all-news radio station, where some talents didn’t want to publicize themselves on the bios of their websites, since after all the mission of the former blog was to journalize the ASD issues.)
The following graphic shows the face of the blog for the first time.
So as you see the graphic below, which person would you most likely date? One that appears to be “normal” or someone that appears to be “normal” but when he starts talking, he comes off as a socially awkward (read: creepy) individual?
Does this theory really extend on this page? Is this why I can’t find my special someone?
this image shows two of the same portraits of this writer, one that appears to be normal and another that clearly states hes autistic.
Comments are strongly recommended for this story.

Disasters and Relationships

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I am attempting to put a current event that might be a big disaster in the coming days to an area that hurricanes happen once in a generation and how friendships and or other relationships correlate. 
I have personally had a crappy year to date in my life (as described in some of my posts.)  I just think part of it has to do of dealing with summer-like weather dating back from late February (the ant indicator as they invaded our kitchen) to now dealing with “stink bugs” invading my house. On top of dealing with summer 24×7 and just trying to get through a day to then start feeling a rumble that felt like an earthquake (that was in reference of an earthquake that occurred last Tuesday evening, the first-ever experience for this writer.)

Then I go back to my day to day life, wearing summer attire in late October, and going through other headaches, to then start to read headlines on Tuesday about Hurricane Sandy approaching the Northeast corridor of the U.S. This comes on the heels after a major fall snowstorm hitting my area a year ago to this day (that really caused gridlock); and the 21st anniversary of a “similar” Halloween storm that was the storyline in the major film The Perfect Storm.*  The weather people can’t predict this storm, and even the computer models are very conflicting! Talk about uncertainty! Never mind my social circle is small to begin with!
*take that film with a grain of salt, never seen the movie, because I heard inaccurate portrayals of the actors, it was dramatized of course!
these last few years have been pretty crazy in the Bad News Department. I’ll do a quick rundown of what happened in my region in the last 6 or so years alone:

  • In May 2006, we had 20″+ of rain falling during the week/end of Mothers Day
  • In late December 2008, we had a massive ice storm that paralyzed communities North of Boston
  • During late February of 2010, we experienced  some record warm temperatures (near 60 on some days) that lead in with a windstorm and a huge coldfront to hit my area on Friday, February 26th. This caused near hurricane grade winds with winter like weather on Saturday and March like weather on Sunday, then another warmfront the days after, with damages that caused widespread outages for power and telecommunications services for many areas for about a week!
  • Then, Hurricane Irene hitting the Northeast part of the US, including Washington, D.C., New York, Boston – while the real brunt of the storm effected the Carolinas, and Upstate New York and Interior parts of New England (something the mass media failed to cover.) This happened a few days after a large scale earthquake rocking the East Coast on August 23rd of last year.

As I am dealing with trying to prepare with ether flooding, or huge wind damage, I have a very small social circle. In the bullet point on the 2010 windstorm, I had “friends” in Middlesex and Essex Counties in Massachusetts that got unscathed. Unfortunately I was dealing with that cliche “bad things happen to good people” while the people that don’t get punished for being bad people. The ones in interest both live in cities where they never go offline, one of those cities was blacked out outside of the downtown area and this individual never knew what was happening until this individual went and looked out of their window.
Now granted these people don’t have TVs, they don’t have landline phones and are totally Internet Connected. (and because of their stupidity, things like the Emergency Alert System is getting pushed to cell and smartphones by new FCC rules) And that same stupidity of these people, are like I have described before; self-absorbed and if they did look out for me, it was half-assed anyways.
Then the social media aspect makes me just sick. The Weather Channel has not only dumbed down their website to the point they are attracting the socialites. It drives me nuts when I see the red banner on top of their website to click and “warn your friends”. Then I see the cable channel having graphics like “#sandy” to tweet the storm.
Sure I have family members  that we will be looking out each other during the storm, sure I’ll be hanging out with my mother as this storm approaches. But its the secondary relationships that really bothers me. I have had questionable “friends”, and I would logically assume that friends would reach out during times of trouble, whether they are personal or meteorological.
This storm is coming at the worst timing as I am trying to get a break from this stressful year. Now this storm may just cause even more and more stress, and I can’t wait till the end of the storm for the post-mayhem goes away, as we go into the holiday season of Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Christmas and then New Years.