Tag Archives: Relationships

“Definition of ‘Marriage'”

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Now that I am not seeking future relationships, I have the time to start discussing the bigger picture of how this blog was intended to be.
Have you seen my banner and the various statements, phrases and questions about “Relationships”? The title of this story, is called “Definition of ‘Marriage'” this phrase was derived as legalese. The reason that phrase is legalese, was a community I used to live several years ago wanted the local board to send a memo to the State legislature of the town’s view on marriage. My state has approved homosexual marriage a few years ago. The community, which was (and is) extremely fiscal and very socially conservative, had taken advantage of using the ballot to vote their views.*

* I did not vote on that question, because its technically illegal to put such question in a “town meeting” legislature, since the ballot is supposed to be electing board members and approving the budget. This never was challenged on the legality. Everyone in town talked about the legality of marriage, and never about the legality of the question being put on a “ballot.” The other things, like this issue would be done on a Saturday meeting at the local school and holding up a card for approval/disapproval and the “townies” going up to speak about their approval or disapproval of various questions up for vote. (If you have watched Gilmore Girls, its kinda like that, only once a year mind you.)

I totally digress. I should avoid talking about politics only if politics effect relationships.
I’ve wondered about the views on marriage really is. It’s cheaper to not get married because of the lovely taxation that is only going to get worse. Having a kid ups the taxation. If you have a disability, and you receive Social Security or SSDI or SSI, a combined relationship means a consolidation of checkbook ledgers, which means your bennies may go down.
What really bugs me is how people have to put such mental and physical stress and typically the groom’s family putting money down for a wedding, that apparently becomes a writedown when the divorce comes along.
Getting married before legally the Mr. & Mrs. is very costly, and I’m not talking about the costs of a divorce! Divorces are very costly, and depending on who got screwed over (assuming a case of infidelity), may or may not get even more screwed because of losses of assets. If I were you, I’d be keeping asset log in case you loose precious items leading up to a divorce.
And who really gets screwed – the children! If couples have kids, this really shows how immature their parents are. The yuppitie yuppies always whine It’s for the Chillldreeenn! So divorcing is good “for the children?'”
We have to credit Hollywood for their leadership of having out of wedlock children, getting married and getting divorced as simple as clicking on the drop box on your Relationship Status on Facebook.
I’m not even talking about homosexual marriage like where this title originated from. I find heterosexual relationships is the most at danger. There is no meaning to “marriage”, again just talking about heterosexual marriage. I’m someone who thinks about money alot, and given this crappy economy, I would think money would be a strong decision maker for marriage. I just don’t get it.
I find doing a prenuptial is wrong. If you love someone so much to death, why is there a need to do a prenup? If anything you should do a will before a prenuptial.
I find the people who also tout traditional marriage are the ones that are doing the total opposite of what they are preaching.
What say you? Do you think marriage is overrated, or underrated. What is your “definition of  ‘marriage'”?

Christmas, part two

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Christmas is a hard thing for me to understand. My autism doesn’t help manners. Part of it is I wasn’t exposed to faith and religion at an early age. Another part is my difficulties of relationships, especially to family.
I’ve mentioned earlier today that I’ve had family issues in recent years relevant to Christmas. Another part of me is I can’t turn-off things i.e. “letting troubles be out of sight”* I also believe given my my strong emotional bond with my mother makes anything tick. I find such chemistry has made our relationship even more difficult. Such emotional similarities would not be an ideal match for any other relationship.
*verse of “Have Yourself A Merry Christmas”
RELATED: Have you seen My Ideal Girl yet?
On top of that, I’m just struggling through life almost being unemployed for 5 years straight and now mounting concerns for me to get that new annual contract for certain services where there is more goals compliance and accountability on my end and I can’t just shut it off on one day.
I think being an adult is the worst feeling to have. I don’t see really anything good out of it other than I have a teensy bit of freedom (i.e. unemployed for almost 5 years) and just having the time to yep about my frustrations of life.
I’ve lost the meaning of Christmas. After what happened to me personally to the last 9 months of this year and seeing the elections going the wrong way and seeing the economy stalling for another 4 years and seeing how social media, “the cloud” and iDevices killing possibly U.S. I.T. or even service jobs, makes me just feel even worse. Going back to micro-view, I feel looking forward,  I just don’t see any future for any new relationships. I may get a job and seek professional relationships, and getting a job and maybe loose some services (the system for special needs is totally fucked up here in the States – I’ll leave that part out.)
On top of that, I don’t see any future for “friends” or even a girlfriend. Remember, I live in a suburban area of Boston, and often its a bunch of rich brats or anyone that is underage, since there are so many school age people who live around here. And if there are people my age, then they are like my cousin, taken and happily married. There aren’t that many single 25 year olds – lets be frank. All the good looking (read: bad ass girls) are taken, the not so pretty live with their parents, and the truly loving and caring girls are extremely rare.  I’m looking into taking an indefinite break of dating and going into relationships, something that was in place since birth, if you really think about it.
This is coming on the heels as allegedly the world is supposed to end tomorrow. Its all over cable TV right now of the fear of it. I’ll say this I was born on the 12th, my worst years of my life were 12 and 21 and 2012 wasn’t the best year ether. I hope nothing severe happens in my area in the event of a disaster.
But I’ll say this – my life is over. Whether or not I die or not, my life is figuratively dead. There is no way to revive. I was pronounced dead back earlier this year. 2013 and onwards is going be a challenge, and something I have to do, but maybe it won’t be as painful. Maybe its a sign that I won’t have to endure pain as being someone that has a “disability” that only a “doctor” with a PhD degree can treat. Maybe I’ll get paralyzed, and maybe that will be the best moment in my life (as fucked up as it is) and actually have empathy of the masses for the first time. Maybe there will be friends and a possible girlfriend and maybe a future wife that would love me for who I am, since again a disability is typically not observed by society as something in the brain.
Whether or not the world ends tomorrow, I will put more resources into this blog. My plan is to decode what I had experience for relationships and again analyze it. Sadly, I am not getting those beloved search terms like “can autistic people fall in love” “why don’t autistic people fall in love” “could I date someone with autism”. Oh, I make that up with my experiences of ignorant people not wanting to date someone like me.
Well hopefully, I’ll see you people tomorrow. Bye!

Happiness is Overrated

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So I have to get some goals and objectives for my contract for next year to continue to receive services. I’ve mentioned before the change of how to measure my goals has changed for my contract. This change is scaring the hell out of me, and it is making me wonder why am I in services if I will be held with higher accountability. They claim its supposed to help me reach my goals, but I feel like its going to make me have to meet standards and never fall back if something legitimately forces me to go back.
I’ve seen these high accountability standards hitting the people who suffer with borderline disabilities, the ones you can’t “see” since it doesn’t take over your body. And as such, we have to meet high standards.  I know friends who have suffered with high expectations. Some tried to kill themselves, and some that had dropped out of high school alltogether. While I am not in school, and if I keep up becoming an icicle, because I am scared to death with trying to keep the authorities happy, I still feel like meeting high standards are going to make me fall backwards and not forwards, and I have to hold my self accountable in a higher level since I have a form of high functioning autism. Can you see why I am tired of feeling so “high” pardon a pun?
I don’t feel like I have the power to meet standards for myself. I feel like my freedom has been taken away thanks to the government regulating the shit out of the most vulnerable citizens of society.
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I am required to meet with someone via the phone in a couple of days to go over my goals.  And I’ll tell her that my goal is to get out of the services by I dunno, in a couple of years. And I’ll tell her its because of these regulations that are making me get out, instead of retaining me as long as I need my services. Sure I may not work 40 hours in the next few years, sure I will try to succeed without bitching, but these kinds of practices wants me to kill myself  (sorry for mentioning this during such timing.)
I had switched services during this time a few years ago, and the contract starts in January and ends in December, so the planning just doesn’t help during the holiday season.
I’m tired of having to be the slave for other people’s happiness. It’s not about my future, its about meeting other peoples expectations that happens to be labeled as “my future”.
RELATED: MY ORIGINAL THOUGHTS THAT MY HAPPINESS NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE
I don’t want to sound like an anti-government, Constitution flaunting; the world should revolve in 1776 all the time, (because I don’t fully-subscribe to those views at all)  but sometimes government does take your freedom away in order to get services or funding.
The only thing I would like – is to be happy without being put under a microscope and be held hostage to meet other people’s expectations for my happiness.

The Pursuit of Happiness

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I had a meeting with my support team for my services earlier yesterday. I want to keep such sensitive information private, since I do not want to exploit such special needs services. Part of it is  such a political drama over the last few years. The Great Recession hasn’t helped the manners. However, the New Year is coming, and I am trying to survive a day to day live meanwhile having to deal with more and more accountability and additional people-pleasing. This New Year mentality is starting to become something I’m not looking forward to.

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A Fictional Story on Admission of Romance

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A story that is 100% fiction, and is slightly based loosely on my experiences with romance.
A guy has a crush on a cute girl. She’s about 5′ 3″, (taller with various heeled shoes) slender, long dark brown hair, brown eyes, with a nice personality. In the real world, its hard to come by. She works as a store clerk for a random retail firm.
The guy went to this store and saw this girl for the first time. The girl says “hi” and for someone like this guy he got fluttered and was taken off guard. As he was looking around of things he’d love to have, but can’t spend too much or he doesn’t have space for them (he is underemployed, and has to live in a certain amount to get disability benefits.) The guy’s heart started to get warm, and his hormones would start to fire up.
He leaves the shop, hoping he would see her again.
He comes back a week later, and starts to flirt with her again. (Turns out when he isn’t there, this girl flirts with other people.) Repeat that a few other times.
Well he came back one time, got a few things, and depending on the social protocol; he starts to say things like “I like you.” He can’t go beyond those three words. Another time he comes back, he sees her, and says something even more stronger. He blurts out inadvertently “I love you.” She didn’t like that statement, and started to feel threatened.  It was then, that he blew it, and that place was cursed forever, he decided to not go there anymore. This experience confirmed to his beliefs that love is too good to be true – if its too good to be true, then it must be.
He goes home to his room on the attic level of his mother’s house (lives in a “cape” type house.) and just cries to sleep because he can’t do anything right. He feels like he doesn’t feel like he has the entitlement of a romantic relationship, and in every previous experience was just a gawddang infatuation.
The End.

Christmas

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I’ve lost my love for Christmas.
I’ve lost it not for reasons like loosing beliefs on various parts of the holiday, its the troubles of understanding the real meaning because of the collapse of my world of relationships.
Let’s start with the family aspect. My family has collapsed under my watch since my younger days, and the days where I was living in a very narrow world. At a young age, I’ve witnessed my family’s depression, the divorce of my maternal grandparents, and my other parts of my family causing “drama” to the most severest degree. I do not want to go into further details, to protect my family’s innocence, and to not dare I say exploit them, and to keep my identity private, if I give more hints.
Regardless, as we have closed that chapter of our lives, it’s still bothersome.
Friends. Now Christmas time isn’t all about family, (although if I was a real practicing Christian, I’d assume it would be at least 99% family focused) but it could be about friends. As I mentioned on this blog before, I’ve dealt with over a couple years of having to sort out the remaining social circle from high school that has been dormant in my life since. I will say my social circle has been very small, and was known to be vulnerable due do the size and my emotional, developmental and social dysfunctions. With that being said, having to deal with a constant change of people coming and going out of my life has made it even more tougher. This is a known fact for people with ASD that they can’t stand constant changes in the social world.
I feel very alone, and I feel so disconnected than ever before in my life. Now, as I said earlier, I know I need to change different things in order to be likeable. But I do understand giving how different I am, and a “true friendship” requires common goals, ideals and beliefs. If I can’t meet those points, then I am doomed to failure, which is why I have attempted by the beginning of next year to avoid social contact.
The faith is another component of the frustrations of the understanding of the holiday. I’ve lost faith with god and christ as time went on. As I noticed disasters occurring in various parts of the world, I started to come to a conclusion that God was attempting to terrorize the respected locations. My mother is a “born again Christan” and such beliefs have caused gridlock to agreement. My mother has said that God does not do such things (one example was the first-known earthquake I had experienced in October.) With such disagreement, I’ve kinda kept religion as a taboo subject with my own mother! I feel the devil had created me, and why would god create misfits of such number (if you believe the Centers for Disease Control’s figures of 1 and 88 children) and why is there a higher number for boys? Does god have  something against boys and men? I’m skeptical, I feel like I am under siege, even if not me by-name, but generically being targeted.
The last part is this secular, agnostic, Switzerland nation we are becoming. The War on Christmas has been a haughty issue for quite a while now. I’ve gotten into intellectual arguments about taking away Christ into Christmas, especially in the publicly funded school systems. The States have become an apologist for the minorities, and instead of integrating the Jewish, and now the large growing Hindu religions, we have ether done a zero-tolerance (aka reversed-hate speech) against the Christan population by a) having just a “holiday party” or in some locales, celebrate all other minority holidays and zero-out Christmas entirely. First Grade in 1993, was the only time I had remembered both a Christmas and a Hannakuah party or celebrations. That is what one would call “diversity”.
I’ve learned that “Holiday” isn’t just a Holy Day (as the word derives from) but its a word to sound more sophisticated – ala sounding sexy, because the European movement has sadly gone west to America.  Of course, there has been a lot of outrage for using “Happy Holidays” during Christmas, but I’ve noticed as early as 5 years ago, that this cancer has spread over to the Thanksgiving holiday. I would be asked, “how was your holiday”, instead of “how was your Thanksgiving?”  I’ve find it more offensive using Holiday for a reference for Thanksgiving.
I am not the most religious person around, but it is sad that the minority of a group of hard working people, who would rather work almost every day out of the year, and a bunch of hateful crybabies would take away a TRUE holiday and ruin it for the rest of the population. Say what you want about the summertime, people take time off here and there, but no place totally shuts down like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and in the olden days New Years. Having a whole village shut down for a day, give an illusion that it is a day of rest from the daily routine. Typically I don’t watch much TV such as news (since I could watch it for the other 365 days)  or sports (since pro football has one primetime game that night and hockey takes the holiday and basketball does nothing for me) and typically I’d watch a movie or two. The radio stations play Christmas music all day long with limited commercials during the peak hours, and I’m with the family during the whole day.
I’d be really disappointed if Thanksgiving will be taken away as a true holiday and obviously Christmas as time goes on.
These thoughts is how the crippling self  perceives the slow coming of a crippling holiday

Merry Christmas! *sarcasm*

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Earlier this afternoon, my day went to hell.
It started this morning, when the mother noticed something on the table. Apparently I am a messy person, or I should admit I am a messy person. Sometimes I don’t clean off the table like I should. In anyway, I felt offended.
My mother was away for today and she came home, and I was still moody because I am tired of being criticized for sustaining a messy dining table, even when I am TRYING to do better, something of which I never get any praise for.
I got impatient after being criticized, and I threw a cardboard file box across the living room floor. I also threw a few uncontrollable f-bombs, but I was really getting offended by being criticized again and again.
At the same time, we were attempting to set up the Christmas Tree. If it weren’t for my mother’s statements this morning, we wouldn’t gotten into a swearing match, dropping things and having to restrain my mother from not throwing the Christmas Tree outside and making a scene in the neighborhood.
I admit, I’ve learned bad anger management skills from my mother.
We made an agreement when we moved over to the new house, we wouldn’t be in such high stress level compared to living at my grandmothers, she’ll be moving in the coming months, and she gets scared by our high strung arguments.
I think the problem is a relationship is broken and it is beyond repair -and it has been that way for a long time. This story doesn’t end yet
Meanwhile as this hell erupted, I have a meeting next week for planning next years services. My mother wants to kick me out and live on housing. Something I do not want to do. I don’t want to live in cheapass housing, and having the fear of the apartment burning down because some retard did something he wasn’t supposed to do. I live in Greater Boston, and you need to make at least $30,000 to live in some decent apartment. My mother has on and off this idea of moving out. For a long time she wanted out, but that was before she bought a house.
I had said on a number of occasions that I wished I was never born, and earlier on today that I wanted to put a noose over my neck. Those two statements I still defend. I have no idea how the world would be if I didn’t exist. I think about that alot. I don’t see the importance of my existence sometimes. My mother threatened me if I made another statement, she would put me to the psycho ward. And where I live, police officers bring people to the psych ward, since in my state it is illegal to kill yourself, and I guess if I attempt to do that, I violate state law. Well I’m surprised there hasn’t been a New Hampshire law prohibiting autistics to exist in this state – at least not yet. If society had it their way, they would make it illegal to have autism.
My mother has made mistakes in my upbringing. I’ve not said that explicitly here; nor do I choose blame her for her mistakes.  I know I’ve made mistakes too. Though in the last few months I’ve heard various “statements” that shes said about my upbringing that was very hurtful to me. I can’t think of examples, and I will not disclose this on this blog. Such statements, I wouldn’t even thought of.
Our relationship has been endanger for quite a while now. The last time housing brought up was in August, during a very stressful time. Christmas is depressing and the regular stress has just increased. I’ve lost faith of higher power, since those same higher power have terrorized my area on a number of occasions the last few years.  I strongly believe in the devil.
If you are ignorant about ASD or autism, if you read the beginning, you may think I am a jerk, well what really bothers me is why are the real jerks not getting punished? Some of these self-absorbed morons  are my family! Such actions have occurred during this time of year. My existence to date, I’ve seen my family fall apart, and some believe that family is more important than friends, but I don’t like how small my family is now.
Another thing that very few people know about is my father, someone who I don’t even know! I’ve heard bits and pieces since I was 15. It was then I found out I was missing something else. My classmates in middle school were the inappropriate group that had brought this attention to me. And as time has gone on, I am feeling more and more that I should had a father, well what did my mother know when she had me at 16? Apparently my mother was under the impression her first love would be the one that lasted forever, and such young ignorance turned out to be quite different. My mother has said he was “verbally abusive” and explained details about that description.
I don’t know if I am better off without him or not. What I do know is my life is ending. There is no hope going forward. The amount of stupid people has made my future looking bleaker. I am planning going into 2013 (if I’m not lucky to die before then) to work, and be a fucking slave, and working my ass off (at least 20 hours a week) and get a paycheck and hopefully it won’t screw up my benefits because my services require a form of Medicaid for them to provide services and live on my own, since my mother has said we might have a better relationship not being closely together. Of course, the pursuit of romance will have to be crossed off depending on the housing, I can’t have her come over. Let alone how there are so many Valley Girls in my area, they are very narrow minded people, they only want a man with money and that can drive. I can’t drive because there so many self-absorbed Boston drivers on the local highways!
I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be posting this story at all. Given how my mother has admitted at failure of being a better mother, there really is no need for this blog huh? I’m hoping I can exit out with grace from all the alleged mistakes I and my old and current support team and my mother has made.
And they say that autism isn’t caused by lack of empathy from the mother, or a mothers parenting style? That’s a lie, they don’t want to offend the mother. Apparently my mother has made so many mistakes, that lead for me to explain this.
I do know one thing for sure, I don’t care about love anymore. I understand that love should be a dirty word. Its a bad word. Hate is the new love in my opinion. Love has no meaning anymore generically and to my own personal situation. If I don’t understand my own relationship with my mother, and if I can’t grasp that, then how in the hell can I have any relationships?
Hence my title.

Biting ones tounge

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Silence is golden. As painful as that sounds, I am doing the people in my life a favor.

I “bite” my tongue because
I don’t want to offend anyone;
I don’t want to set someone off;
I don’t want to ruffle one’s feathers;
I don’t want to come off as crude, rude, hateful or bitter;
I don’t want to create any unneeded hostility
That I don’t want to be one of those crazy minded, “delusional”  types

I have “bitten” my tongue for a long time, allowing the pain to go down my body.
This effect has caused my tongue to become “infected” – therefore I can’t
“speak”.
Unfortunately it is best for me to stay quiet – even if it hurts the close people in my life.
I can talk, and I should have the right to speak my mind; but in order to “be nice” its best I just stay quiet, because when I start talking, I set my self up for trouble.
There are so many things on my mind, but the people I talk to are probably not willing to hear me repeat my issues over and over, and the significant troubles of my relationships and the inability to fix them because beyond repairable.
I am doing the people in my life a favor by just zipping it.

Thank God for Facebook

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I really mean that in the title.
I can’t imagine what life was like if you suffered with social retardation and a world before social networking websites, or even the Web, or even those “online services” before those became ISPs ala AOL anyone?
I remember the simpler days in 1992 me being 5 years old living in my own little world. In 1992, Cable TV was at the height of their success, computers were still not in many homes, and the telephone was the primary medium to connect to people in long distances, and since AT&T was forced to break up, it was much easier to make long distance calls.
Again, I can’t imagine being socially retarded and being in his early twenties then. I would think there was more hopes back in 1992 than 2012 because there wasn’t sites like Facebook where you could easily look someone up to find many of the girls/guys one would like then to find your heart broken.
This post was something in the making, it was only a matter of time, and a person of interest to use as an example. This post will describe how using sites like Facebook to find some random person you had the hots for turns out to not be single. I’ve used this as a resource on a number of occasions.
In an earlier story back about a couple weeks ago, I went to a local FedEx/Kinkos/Whatever the name is of the day, and liked the gal that was helping me to do a large document project, that I felt was better done if I outsourced the project to them.
Well as you see in the full screen below, you’ll see the red circle of what I found out.  This is an example of how Social Networking destroys one’s hopes that there is a special someone out there. And of course, shes about 5 years older than I am (from when she finished high school – I redacted all the identifiable info) and it just shows that there are less and less single people near my age bracket. (unless I go younger, which I do not support such thing.)
a screengrab from a Facebook account of a girl that I had liked, and wrote about over a couple weeks ago
Social media just ruins the experience of a “crush” the only ability of a romantic feeling I have.

Living up to High Standards

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Part of my “low self esteem” is partially because I am not up to par with my peers. I don’t want to be comparing myself to someone my own age, etc. but I am not. I have denied that for many years that I am not like my peers.
I’ve seen the alleged over-excessive content on Facebook, and even on the dating websites. I feel I can’t live up to them for them to accept me. This isn’t just a potential girlfriend, even a potential friend.
Here is my situation:

  • I come from a lower class family, that grew up in an upper class town
  • I have a high school diploma, and no experience with higher education
  • As I had traveled domestically in my teenage years (California, Texas, New York, D.C.) some of my likeminded groups have traveled the world. I have – actually seen the Mexico Border when I was in San Diego, and I have been near the Canadian border going on I-89 corridor when I was 6 or so.
  • I obviously didn’t come from a privileged family, many peers (at least in my geographical area) are
  • Given my autism, I am smart, but not in the same intellectual level as some of my peers, some would obviously think I am just odd in some of my interests
  • I live in an area where there are many people younger than I am and many people older than I am, so the middle twentysomething crowd is limited, because of the high COL or Cost of Living. Some of my peers would prefer to live in Nanny-towns like Boston, New York or even LaLa land or Florida, areas that also have the sex appeal of a highly stylized locale

So background aside, lets go to the smaller things

  • The art that I do  I suppose is decent, but probably not museum material (and I am fine with that)
  • Some may say its not fully dimensional. Maybe not proportionate enough, or I use plain ol pencils and not the snootty strength
  • Sure I may know some tech things, but don’t expect me to program C++ or code in Pearl, or do CSS to design webpages. Yup I am dumb on that regard. Sure I may know some telecom stuff, but not ask me how to do a diagram on how TDM works vs analog, vs IP vs. video or so on.
  • I don’t like going out and doing much things for fun. I’d rather be at home, doing work on my machines or watch the Fox News Channel or watch some boring documentary on TV. I don’t like distractions that much, because it detracts the attention of the pressing issues. My DNA is programmed to be vigilant (always alert, always on.)

I’ve also mentioned other concerns before such as:

  • Having odd interests for straight males like fashion or art (yeah I feel gay for doing art)
  • the ability to be around laid-back types of people, because I am somewhat of a tight person, because I just can’t stop and have fun in a depressing time and place.

Lastly, if I wanted to go to college, or get a decent job and to get the friends and future girlfriend, they all seek someone who needs to be responsible, compliant and needing credentials (whether or not its necessary – chicks and clueless bosses want that “piece of paper”) in order to be accepted in a privileged world.
Then I have to be worried about being accepted with the other’s social circle, since after all its not about them, its about his groups of buddies too. I can’t have any types of relationships with anyone if the others would not accept me and backstab behind me. Oh, did I mention the “man-child” stereotype, where men just want to use gaming consoles all day long or other “childish” behaviors that doesn’t constitute as “childlike” since the latter is a chronic issue while the former is plain ol immaturity?
The holiday season is coming fast this time around, and I am dealing with personal issues on top of having the worst year I have ever had; and I don’t have backup support system, since some of them went away in the summertime, and my mother needs to care for my grandmother, and my other family members I choose to abstain; leaving a handful of other people to take load of my day to day life.
I am lost because I have not had that partner in crime figure in a long time. I am in a desperate need to find one, and just someone who I don’t feel like I am a bothersome to.
With all of that – my conclusion is I can’t compete against people that area actually better than I am, because I am not privileged, not smart enough, not experienced enough, and I am a childish individual.
I feel so proud living life…
*