Part of my “low self esteem” is partially because I am not up to par with my peers. I don’t want to be comparing myself to someone my own age, etc. but I am not. I have denied that for many years that I am not like my peers.
I’ve seen the alleged over-excessive content on Facebook, and even on the dating websites. I feel I can’t live up to them for them to accept me. This isn’t just a potential girlfriend, even a potential friend.
Here is my situation:
- I come from a lower class family, that grew up in an upper class town
- I have a high school diploma, and no experience with higher education
- As I had traveled domestically in my teenage years (California, Texas, New York, D.C.) some of my likeminded groups have traveled the world. I have – actually seen the Mexico Border when I was in San Diego, and I have been near the Canadian border going on I-89 corridor when I was 6 or so.
- I obviously didn’t come from a privileged family, many peers (at least in my geographical area) are
- Given my autism, I am smart, but not in the same intellectual level as some of my peers, some would obviously think I am just odd in some of my interests
- I live in an area where there are many people younger than I am and many people older than I am, so the middle twentysomething crowd is limited, because of the high COL or Cost of Living. Some of my peers would prefer to live in Nanny-towns like Boston, New York or even LaLa land or Florida, areas that also have the sex appeal of a highly stylized locale
So background aside, lets go to the smaller things
- The art that I do I suppose is decent, but probably not museum material (and I am fine with that)
- Some may say its not fully dimensional. Maybe not proportionate enough, or I use plain ol pencils and not the snootty strength
- Sure I may know some tech things, but don’t expect me to program C++ or code in Pearl, or do CSS to design webpages. Yup I am dumb on that regard. Sure I may know some telecom stuff, but not ask me how to do a diagram on how TDM works vs analog, vs IP vs. video or so on.
- I don’t like going out and doing much things for fun. I’d rather be at home, doing work on my machines or watch the Fox News Channel or watch some boring documentary on TV. I don’t like distractions that much, because it detracts the attention of the pressing issues. My DNA is programmed to be vigilant (always alert, always on.)
I’ve also mentioned other concerns before such as:
- Having odd interests for straight males like fashion or art (yeah I feel gay for doing art)
- the ability to be around laid-back types of people, because I am somewhat of a tight person, because I just can’t stop and have fun in a depressing time and place.
Lastly, if I wanted to go to college, or get a decent job and to get the friends and future girlfriend, they all seek someone who needs to be responsible, compliant and needing credentials (whether or not its necessary – chicks and clueless bosses want that “piece of paper”) in order to be accepted in a privileged world.
Then I have to be worried about being accepted with the other’s social circle, since after all its not about them, its about his groups of buddies too. I can’t have any types of relationships with anyone if the others would not accept me and backstab behind me. Oh, did I mention the “man-child” stereotype, where men just want to use gaming consoles all day long or other “childish” behaviors that doesn’t constitute as “childlike” since the latter is a chronic issue while the former is plain ol immaturity?
The holiday season is coming fast this time around, and I am dealing with personal issues on top of having the worst year I have ever had; and I don’t have backup support system, since some of them went away in the summertime, and my mother needs to care for my grandmother, and my other family members I choose to abstain; leaving a handful of other people to take load of my day to day life.
I am lost because I have not had that partner in crime figure in a long time. I am in a desperate need to find one, and just someone who I don’t feel like I am a bothersome to.
With all of that – my conclusion is I can’t compete against people that area actually better than I am, because I am not privileged, not smart enough, not experienced enough, and I am a childish individual.
I feel so proud living life…
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