I want to be clear, happiness isn’t the only solution for life, it’s retaining it and keeping it authentic for longer periods of time.

I will say, that I never felt an authentic level of state-level happiness for a very long time. Meaning that my extreme ends have been, happy, mildly depressed, depressed, angry, and overall sadness. The depression has been the baseline, or always been the baseline. So when I say I want to be happy, it’s not to be statically all glory.

As I have been in therapy for almost every Wednesday since the middle of 2016, the struggles of life, that’s out of my control (of which I am well aware of), and trying to control how I respond to really tough situations. I’m always being thrown into a fire pit and try to get out of these things without harm.

I’ve allowed people to control me for too long, to the point I’ve lost control of the ability take back local-control, or self control the autonomy of my own emotions and realities.

Happiness isn’t about all smiles, it’s about an environment that is warm and welcoming, and most importantly “safe” from excessive teasing, questioning, or gaslighting one’s vision of reality. I also want to have the control of my own destiny because I am aware I have that potential, but it’s backlogged by the politics of everything.

There have been several approaches that has not worked, but the only way to happiness is to get all motherly-types off my back, and the only way to learn how not to do things, is actually by doing it and having to cope with all the emotions.

Again, this is all political at this point, and the people who have power have swaying power, it may get ugly before it gets better.

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Living with a DevDisability is a really painful situation, even if you’re the higher functioning type. You get lumped into the low functioning stereotypes. My group and myself were not taught to love our quirks, we were ordered to look in the mirror and creep the ever living eff out of ourselves.

When someone in the PDD spectrum says “I’m sorry” or tears up on an effup, this isn’t by accident, it’s really by design.

“The system”, the so called collective clusterfuck of Special Education, and adult day programs and support staff are taught by a collective group think, the individual’s support must be on the negative, and not supporting the positive, because for centuries the negativity must always be addressed and be very pervasive.

‘typical professionals are rewarded for enhancing negative stereotypes, calling out the stereotypical behavior and a feedback loop of insecurities.

Because it was so burned-in that I had to catalog all my deficits, that I thought perhaps starting anew with familiar faces would be the trick, or slightly talk to the estranged family part of what I had to go through. Regardless, by late 2019, neither trick worked. Given COVID killing 2020, and the hangover of this year, I start 2022 trying to figure out another challenge of the past, how to forgive my deficits that was so exploited for more than twenty years of my life.

Personalities such as narcissistic behaviors is a major factor in how my group is treated, that will be a future discussion point.