Thank God for Facebook

I really mean that in the title.
I can’t imagine what life was like if you suffered with social retardation and a world before social networking websites, or even the Web, or even those “online services” before those became ISPs ala AOL anyone?
I remember the simpler days in 1992 me being 5 years old living in my own little world. In 1992, Cable TV was at the height of their success, computers were still not in many homes, and the telephone was the primary medium to connect to people in long distances, and since AT&T was forced to break up, it was much easier to make long distance calls.
Again, I can’t imagine being socially retarded and being in his early twenties then. I would think there was more hopes back in 1992 than 2012 because there wasn’t sites like Facebook where you could easily look someone up to find many of the girls/guys one would like then to find your heart broken.
This post was something in the making, it was only a matter of time, and a person of interest to use as an example. This post will describe how using sites like Facebook to find some random person you had the hots for turns out to not be single. I’ve used this as a resource on a number of occasions.
In an earlier story back about a couple weeks ago, I went to a local FedEx/Kinkos/Whatever the name is of the day, and liked the gal that was helping me to do a large document project, that I felt was better done if I outsourced the project to them.
Well as you see in the full screen below, you’ll see the red circle of what I found out.  This is an example of how Social Networking destroys one’s hopes that there is a special someone out there. And of course, shes about 5 years older than I am (from when she finished high school – I redacted all the identifiable info) and it just shows that there are less and less single people near my age bracket. (unless I go younger, which I do not support such thing.)
a screengrab from a Facebook account of a girl that I had liked, and wrote about over a couple weeks ago
Social media just ruins the experience of a “crush” the only ability of a romantic feeling I have.

Living up to High Standards

Part of my “low self esteem” is partially because I am not up to par with my peers. I don’t want to be comparing myself to someone my own age, etc. but I am not. I have denied that for many years that I am not like my peers.
I’ve seen the alleged over-excessive content on Facebook, and even on the dating websites. I feel I can’t live up to them for them to accept me. This isn’t just a potential girlfriend, even a potential friend.
Here is my situation:

  • I come from a lower class family, that grew up in an upper class town
  • I have a high school diploma, and no experience with higher education
  • As I had traveled domestically in my teenage years (California, Texas, New York, D.C.) some of my likeminded groups have traveled the world. I have – actually seen the Mexico Border when I was in San Diego, and I have been near the Canadian border going on I-89 corridor when I was 6 or so.
  • I obviously didn’t come from a privileged family, many peers (at least in my geographical area) are
  • Given my autism, I am smart, but not in the same intellectual level as some of my peers, some would obviously think I am just odd in some of my interests
  • I live in an area where there are many people younger than I am and many people older than I am, so the middle twentysomething crowd is limited, because of the high COL or Cost of Living. Some of my peers would prefer to live in Nanny-towns like Boston, New York or even LaLa land or Florida, areas that also have the sex appeal of a highly stylized locale

So background aside, lets go to the smaller things

  • The art that I do  I suppose is decent, but probably not museum material (and I am fine with that)
  • Some may say its not fully dimensional. Maybe not proportionate enough, or I use plain ol pencils and not the snootty strength
  • Sure I may know some tech things, but don’t expect me to program C++ or code in Pearl, or do CSS to design webpages. Yup I am dumb on that regard. Sure I may know some telecom stuff, but not ask me how to do a diagram on how TDM works vs analog, vs IP vs. video or so on.
  • I don’t like going out and doing much things for fun. I’d rather be at home, doing work on my machines or watch the Fox News Channel or watch some boring documentary on TV. I don’t like distractions that much, because it detracts the attention of the pressing issues. My DNA is programmed to be vigilant (always alert, always on.)

I’ve also mentioned other concerns before such as:

  • Having odd interests for straight males like fashion or art (yeah I feel gay for doing art)
  • the ability to be around laid-back types of people, because I am somewhat of a tight person, because I just can’t stop and have fun in a depressing time and place.

Lastly, if I wanted to go to college, or get a decent job and to get the friends and future girlfriend, they all seek someone who needs to be responsible, compliant and needing credentials (whether or not its necessary – chicks and clueless bosses want that “piece of paper”) in order to be accepted in a privileged world.
Then I have to be worried about being accepted with the other’s social circle, since after all its not about them, its about his groups of buddies too. I can’t have any types of relationships with anyone if the others would not accept me and backstab behind me. Oh, did I mention the “man-child” stereotype, where men just want to use gaming consoles all day long or other “childish” behaviors that doesn’t constitute as “childlike” since the latter is a chronic issue while the former is plain ol immaturity?
The holiday season is coming fast this time around, and I am dealing with personal issues on top of having the worst year I have ever had; and I don’t have backup support system, since some of them went away in the summertime, and my mother needs to care for my grandmother, and my other family members I choose to abstain; leaving a handful of other people to take load of my day to day life.
I am lost because I have not had that partner in crime figure in a long time. I am in a desperate need to find one, and just someone who I don’t feel like I am a bothersome to.
With all of that – my conclusion is I can’t compete against people that area actually better than I am, because I am not privileged, not smart enough, not experienced enough, and I am a childish individual.
I feel so proud living life…
*

Green Light Day – Sucessful Flirting!

Today my chick radar shown a lot of green on the screen!
All across the board, I got some female affection. I went out today, from the local mall, to the local hockey game and in between I got some girls attention!
I got thrown offguard by a couple ladies at one store who appeared to be showing interest. Often this one and a hundred occurrences causes me to get severely shy.
Part of it, was I had a sincere smile, enough to get the the girl to hopefully cave in and return the favor.
Regardless, lets file this little good news, and expect to see a repeating story in like 9 months, since this one and hundred cases have a long spread of time inbetween.

The Search for Romance

I’ve heard a billion* different stories of how someone met their love of their life. Ranging from online dating websites, to Facebook (don’t get me started), even old fashioned medium like the ol’ CB** or even meeting the love of their life at the local turnpike toll booth. Or even going to the same restaurant and starting a relationship with the waiter.
*it feels like a billion, whether or not I counted to a billion is another question.
** Citizens Band 2 way radio if you are product from the 1990s onwards and is generally clueless person about things before your time
I can tell you that all my stories about love is something you expect as a 6th grader, and oh boy when people inquire about me crushing on somebody, it often entails embarrassment, regret and other childlike feelings that you expect for a 11 year old.
The only semi sweet story was that “Jessica” lived up the street from me, and the childish love I would endure, only because she treated me like crap weeks after. But nothing ever happened, just plain ol heartbreaks or mixed messages or plain old shutdowns of one and other. I suppose that story is really just stale and depressing.
In anyway, in 2 months the goal is to find the Search for a Career In Turn for a Girl to Like and Respect me as a Mature Man since He Allegedly has Goals for Himself. What a title for that Search huh?

Take Your Pick – Who would you want to Date?

If you have ether followed this blog, or even my other blog, I have kept my likeness as minimal as possible. First, that people would figure out who I was and secondly, I wanted to keep a humble appearance by not showing a picture of me. (That was inspired by a large market all-news radio station, where some talents didn’t want to publicize themselves on the bios of their websites, since after all the mission of the former blog was to journalize the ASD issues.)
The following graphic shows the face of the blog for the first time.
So as you see the graphic below, which person would you most likely date? One that appears to be “normal” or someone that appears to be “normal” but when he starts talking, he comes off as a socially awkward (read: creepy) individual?
Does this theory really extend on this page? Is this why I can’t find my special someone?
this image shows two of the same portraits of this writer, one that appears to be normal and another that clearly states hes autistic.
Comments are strongly recommended for this story.

Love is a Distraction

Earlier today, I went with a friend of mine to the local candlepin alley to keep my skills in check. I haven’t done much bowling, and it happens from time to time. Before I started to get active again, I typically did 60 to 80 – not bad for seldom playing. I have done recently like north of 40 or so. I have to admit I am very aggressive, and that doesn’t help you getting pins down. Nor does it help when the alley is decaying, and never seem to clean the balls, the ground or even replace chipped balls. In anyway, I did well for my standards.

Up until I had a distraction when I started to check out a cutie a few lanes down from me. I tried to keep my eyes away of her (because an alleged b/f was with her – c’mon most cuties are with someone) but I lost my focus.

That loss of focus had me not take down any pins for two turns straight! A loss of 20 points! Bad.

But regardless, I tried to keep my attention away and just try to take pins down.

January 1st is exactly two months away, and I am already pricing in the ideal that love is just a joke and in this case tonight can be very distracting.

Disasters and Relationships

I am attempting to put a current event that might be a big disaster in the coming days to an area that hurricanes happen once in a generation and how friendships and or other relationships correlate. 
I have personally had a crappy year to date in my life (as described in some of my posts.)  I just think part of it has to do of dealing with summer-like weather dating back from late February (the ant indicator as they invaded our kitchen) to now dealing with “stink bugs” invading my house. On top of dealing with summer 24×7 and just trying to get through a day to then start feeling a rumble that felt like an earthquake (that was in reference of an earthquake that occurred last Tuesday evening, the first-ever experience for this writer.)

Then I go back to my day to day life, wearing summer attire in late October, and going through other headaches, to then start to read headlines on Tuesday about Hurricane Sandy approaching the Northeast corridor of the U.S. This comes on the heels after a major fall snowstorm hitting my area a year ago to this day (that really caused gridlock); and the 21st anniversary of a “similar” Halloween storm that was the storyline in the major film The Perfect Storm.*  The weather people can’t predict this storm, and even the computer models are very conflicting! Talk about uncertainty! Never mind my social circle is small to begin with!
*take that film with a grain of salt, never seen the movie, because I heard inaccurate portrayals of the actors, it was dramatized of course!
these last few years have been pretty crazy in the Bad News Department. I’ll do a quick rundown of what happened in my region in the last 6 or so years alone:

  • In May 2006, we had 20″+ of rain falling during the week/end of Mothers Day
  • In late December 2008, we had a massive ice storm that paralyzed communities North of Boston
  • During late February of 2010, we experienced  some record warm temperatures (near 60 on some days) that lead in with a windstorm and a huge coldfront to hit my area on Friday, February 26th. This caused near hurricane grade winds with winter like weather on Saturday and March like weather on Sunday, then another warmfront the days after, with damages that caused widespread outages for power and telecommunications services for many areas for about a week!
  • Then, Hurricane Irene hitting the Northeast part of the US, including Washington, D.C., New York, Boston – while the real brunt of the storm effected the Carolinas, and Upstate New York and Interior parts of New England (something the mass media failed to cover.) This happened a few days after a large scale earthquake rocking the East Coast on August 23rd of last year.

As I am dealing with trying to prepare with ether flooding, or huge wind damage, I have a very small social circle. In the bullet point on the 2010 windstorm, I had “friends” in Middlesex and Essex Counties in Massachusetts that got unscathed. Unfortunately I was dealing with that cliche “bad things happen to good people” while the people that don’t get punished for being bad people. The ones in interest both live in cities where they never go offline, one of those cities was blacked out outside of the downtown area and this individual never knew what was happening until this individual went and looked out of their window.
Now granted these people don’t have TVs, they don’t have landline phones and are totally Internet Connected. (and because of their stupidity, things like the Emergency Alert System is getting pushed to cell and smartphones by new FCC rules) And that same stupidity of these people, are like I have described before; self-absorbed and if they did look out for me, it was half-assed anyways.
Then the social media aspect makes me just sick. The Weather Channel has not only dumbed down their website to the point they are attracting the socialites. It drives me nuts when I see the red banner on top of their website to click and “warn your friends”. Then I see the cable channel having graphics like “#sandy” to tweet the storm.
Sure I have family members  that we will be looking out each other during the storm, sure I’ll be hanging out with my mother as this storm approaches. But its the secondary relationships that really bothers me. I have had questionable “friends”, and I would logically assume that friends would reach out during times of trouble, whether they are personal or meteorological.
This storm is coming at the worst timing as I am trying to get a break from this stressful year. Now this storm may just cause even more and more stress, and I can’t wait till the end of the storm for the post-mayhem goes away, as we go into the holiday season of Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Christmas and then New Years.

@Work Relationships (and boundaries)

This post might be for the audience that has experienced or knows people with special needs.
As I am looking to start getting a job or going into a work program, I am preparing myself of how to tackle my difficulties known as socialization. For someone like me, allegedly there roadblocks of how to have an retain an “appropriate”  “boundaries” with peers, superiors, and other social “status”.
I am going in a mind set of having a [super] professional respect and boundaries with my prospective co-workers. Work is not a place to make friends, its a place where you are expected to perform and do what is expected in your job title. Often, people with autism or other disorders typically do not know what is right and what is wrong. Thats where the “boundaries” comes from.
Now there are places I have contemplating of working. I feel given my educational background of a fraction of a high school diploma* and unfortunately in the mean world of reality, people do judge you by how many “pieces of paper” you have framed. Doesn’t matter what the context is on that piece of paper, its how people judge you.  So I have settled with the idea of working in retail in some of those “cool” stores at the local malls. Since I have gotten less and less laid back (for whatever reason, since it would be improper for me narrow it down giving I have been in a real angry mood, and some of my thoughts might be totally wrong) that I might not even gel well at those places where its socially ok to be laid back and casual.
* I got a High School diploma, but I felt that I didn’t work harder to really deserve it. In my view, they overstated my grades just to give me the diploma with the intent to get need services in the future. I wanted to learn more, instead of learning to do vocational work; and I didn’t get what I felt like I needed.
Another issue is some of these work programs for special needs (like autism) have targeted the high functioning population and think they can meet the high standards. Like the last work program I was in was pretty white-collared, putting high standards (since thats how the corporate world is) and expecting to meet those demands, and have 0% mistakes.
Now I have nothing wrong about the corporate standards, as that has been part of my DNA for almost my entire life. My problem is the “high functioning” population that is often misunderstood of having Asperger Syndrome* while most AS individuals are typically normal, above normal and don’t have significant issues. So if I come off as someone with AS, then the standards go through the roof, and if I fail to meet the standards, then I get fucked by the system. Often people with AS come off as a high standards individual, such as dressed in a corporate attire in some cases.
*currently NOT part of the Autism Spectrum Disorder. The disorder has “autistic-like” traits, while individuals are known to  have”social difficulties.” Again the focus on the latter, and most cases these people don’t have delays like autistic people traditionally have. Do not believe people when they say they have Asperger Syndrome, a form of autism; which clinically is NOT. Also the official name does not have a posseive noun, referring to Hans Asperger, the doctor that coined this non autistic disorder.
Well that last sentence would apply to me. I often dress up as a corporate attire, because I was taught to be a high class individual, and have higher expectations than his peers because people had pushed me to “go to my full potential.”  Today I often dress up, and have a lanyard of an ID badge of what is now a defunct IT consulting firm that I was trying to do before I got a “real job.” Again it has been perceived that there needs to be an “image” to come off as a professional as opposed to his “normal” peers of being inappropriate, dressed over casual, or act immature, as someone like me can’t do things like that and often would be considered as scandalous.
As I go back onto the topic of “relationships at the workplace” there are laws I need to comply (no not Sarbanes Oxley or HIPAA, etc.) but laws like Sexual Harassment, Harassment and follow ethics. Again, while my “normal” likeminded group have enablement of doing things that should be called out on. Ethics is my highest point. I feel that I need to be the “good guy” and expect to have the highest respect in the workplace.
I might be a person that people may hate if I work as a Genius at The Apple Store, or a clerk at Aeropostale or flipping burgers at a Five Guys, because I have been taught to be professional, and to retain full respect of the public and my future co-workers. And I have a conclusion to make sure I put everyone up on a pedestal and respect all my co-workers as a higher level of socialization.
If I didn’t have autism, I’d probably be in Iraq or Afghanistan being in the U.S. Miltary. I seem to have military standards in me.
Call me crazy, but I am a professional with meeting high standards 24x7x365. Because I am expected to be a professional.

Identity Issues

I am someone who is socially inexperienced. On top of that, I am kinda sometimes an oddball person. On top of that, you mix the two together – you get someone who has dealt with an autism spectrum disorder for his entire life then slap in his additional insecurities. Enter the semi issue of Gender Identity Disorder.
Between my semi childlike demeanor as well as having odd interests compared to my peers, as well as having insecurities of his masculine side, I have to deal with not coming off as a gay individual. Why you ask that? It’s because I like to do various art stuff, drawing, painting (seldomly), like fashion a teensy bit for being a guy I used to like Sex and the City (before I couldn’t take the very liberal storylines no more) and one of my favorite lines from Carrie Bradshaw, was the “gay, straight man” type

 
My mother has been concerned about some of my mannerisms, and my mother doesn’t want me to come off as a certain type. Just the other day I was taking a landscape photo on my iPhone, and I held it with the thumb on the bottom and my pinky and index finger to hold the top while I used the middle finger to execute shot using the hard shutter button which is the upper volume key. Apparently thats how girls would take a picture, as my mother told me to put the other fingers down. Am I that bad?
Now, I am not here to bring up issues such as homsexual or being gay. Its not. Well, sometimes I could have “man crushes” but not “gay” or at least I don’t think so. This goes back to my post earlier this week about the fine like of flirting in a sexual sense, but in the 180 turn, but at the same time, I also have admiration of the beauty; since  I have somewhat of a fashion geekiness to add to all my other geekiness inside of me.
I don’t get why homosexual male fashionisitas have to have a monopoly on this subject or the industry for that manner. I can’t imagine that I am not the only semi manly, but straight guy that loves fashion (maybe I should be more specific – FEMALE fashion.)
This goes back to the art, why is always males being artists go right to the gay guys? I have nothing against gays, lesbians, bisexuals and other homosexuals, but sometimes I get tired of their monopoly on fashion, art and antiques.
I am someone who doesn’t care what interests are for what gender. If boys want to play kitchen so be it just as girls should have the same social expectation of playing with the Fisher Price workshop toys just as the same as guys liking chick music or movies just as girls would are into the Harry Potter and other fantasy collections that used to be limited to the in the closet “geeks” or guys for that manner.

Message a Girl…Ask for Trouble, part two

Another (possible) date – with no response yet. (I might have to admit my profile might scare people off – well I have to be true and honest why I can’t stand bitches! I don’t regret if I am making females run away from me.)
Hey,  your interest of drawing caught my attention, what do you like to draw? what do you like to talk about on such depth? hope to talk to you more soon
Sometimes I wished the Government didn’t invent the internet. I’d rather be severely autistic than being a high functioning autistic.