Category Archives: Summer ’14 – Winter ’15: Something is Wrong With Me

How the Hopeless Autistic Began

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To sum it up in a paragraph: I had gotten a name of a genetic doctor at Dartmouth/Hitchcock Manchester. From winter to June there was back and forth in backoffice paperwork. After that cat and mouse game ended, we got a date to meet with the doctor on September 1st. Basically the genetics testing was too risky financially as my primary insurance through my mother denies at 13 years and older. The Managed Care Medicaid wouldn’t touch it unless it was denied by the primary insurance provider, and if Medicaid denied it it would’ve been a severe case of SOL. (The story of my life…everything is bleep out of luck!)

Well in the meantime, the doctor suggested a name of Dr. Jennifer McLaren in Lebanon. According to that doctor, she supposedly worked with adults. (I suspect she may work with them if they aged out as children like a grandfathered clause.) Well when I called them, they basically denied me and gave me the infamous advocacy organization, etc.

It was after this run-in with the broken adult special needs system is when I decided of I Can’t Take This Anymore! And this is how The Hopeless Autistic began. Thank you unforgiving “doctors”!

Video: Retaliation of Infatuations

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This JCPenney advertisement from at least 9 years ago (I found this online in recent years) featured an innocent girl probably no older than a fifth grader. She secretly puts the initials of her name and her crushes on a piece of paper (yup this was the days way before the iPad and the MacBook was just on the market eclipsing the PowerBook) and even in old medium would someone be afraid to have the crush come back to crush them.

Throughout the then 60 second spot, the scribbles disappeared from the paper, and moved on to her desk, then onto the chalkboard and girl tried to cover up the doodle. The girl for the right reasons became paranoid throughout. The message moved from the locker room, to a bulletin board, to the cafeteria where she would then see the scribble once again near the boy of interest, and plop onto the cafeteria table and try to cover it up as the boy moved her hand and both would smile.

Yours truly could relate to this story up till about the 45 second mark. Crushes in the last few years I’ve kept under secret. I’m too afraid to tell anyone about any feelings of any girl that I’ve previously liked. It’s even too risky to put it on paper because I fear something like this would happen in real life. Children are often teased about infatuations, but when one is hitting 30 in a year, the rules are much different, and more against me.

So yeah, my lips are sealed.

Lack of Personal Autism “Acceptance”

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It has come to my attention and I might have come to my senses for the next year (assuming no help arrives to assist me) that I may very well be having problems accepting my autism more than anything else. This same disorder that has been with me virtually since birth.

It could very well that I may have been in denial not just in the middle to high school years, but even in my first ten years as being an adult, despite denying it and trying to act mature by moving forward.  I know I’ve been diagnosed with my autism over the years, but I’ve yet to understand and grasp what makes me who I am and why I can’t move forward. I don’t know what’s going on in my mind. I feel my brain is dead in some parts.

I might as well not expect so much and really get used to being treated like a child afterall. Perhaps I do need to be reminded and talk to like a child. Perhaps I have put my ego too high and I was too “rosey”.  Maybe I am not as “normal” as I think I was. I figured I was tone deaf and didn’t understand the difference between “it’s not your autism” vs. something that is autistic.

All I want to say is just like all the other low/mod functioning types of the annoying and generic “I’m sorry” when they feel bad about something they did “wrong.” I may as well be on this functioning level and I’ve been denying this all along.

These senses may give me a path; but regardless I don’t see much happening for the better. I still feel like a hopeless autistic.

The Back Story to the Marriage to the Girl in Ballerina Flats

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In 2013, I came to my senses that I’d also be a hopeless romantic. Love and autism doesn’t have to be a complicated relationship status, and sadly the recurring characters such as incompetent psychologists acting as state leaders, inadequate training (fear mongering), and possibly “following the money trail” say IDEA for an example, had a lot to do during my teenage years.

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Help from a Doctor that Knows Adult Autism!

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2017 Preface: These sets of concerns had dated over a year before, hence it sits in the 2014 category.

Unlike Asperger’s Syndrome types who claim they have “Aspergers by self-diagnosing”, I for one won’t stoop down such levels. I’ve tried to find a therapist, a doctor, (an MD or dare I say a “PhD”) and there hardly is anyone skilled with autism for adults.

Everything is for “the children” but adults with autism are being just treated the same exact way as the first generation (births between 1987 to 1992/3) because for whatever reason there is a lack of resources for adults. They know what’s happening to “the children” because when the said groups become adults – this is what they will be expecting. So if that is the case, why not wait? And why are you letting the first generation suffer? Why in the hell in 21st Century, could autism been the first case of civil rights of progressive actions unlike Down’s (which took too many centuries too long) to address? And, with all the technology in the world (the Web, Internet, PCs, cable networks, etc.) are we still addressing like its the 1960s, of slow actions, misleading information in the media; why does society have regressive radical opinions like how the 60s was in general?  

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The Hopeless Autistic’s First Cry for Action

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Your humble writer made his mark in a picture-esque statement once again (that shouldn’t be to begin with) bringing deliberate shock value to the locals. (i.e. “WAKE UP!”) Due to the inaccurate messages on the autism spectrum disorder factor in the politics in Concord and the awesome “Managed Care” system (that’s destined to fail) – I’ve yet again took some more gutsy action. Your’s truly had written on the sand the hashtag at Hampton Beach State Park in New Hampshire in August.

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I did this after I went into the water late in that day, and in between sending the message of being hopeless and getting my camera (to take a picture of my bold message) I captured a candid shot of a couple young ladies seeing this, and then taking mobile phone shots that most likely went onto a Facebook or Instagram like site. I just skirted around the area till they walked away to get the picture. They did stand there for a while (at least over a minute.)

This is what I’ve been doing over the last seven months after having enough of the same ol crap (for the last 28 years or so) that many various members in state leadership, and various other levels who have done a number of people disservice.

Then a couple of young kids ran around the message not to long after and started to make additional marks, but nothing I don’t think to extend the message. At least it may have made an impact of the said girls.

I do claim ownership of these photos and the message. I just want to make it clear that despite the all the statements and messages and tone on the disorder relevant to adults in the Granite State, I for one am a #hopelessautistic.