Where the Hell am I on the Recovery Scale?

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Let me begin with a few things that drives me nuts online on places like YouTube with regards to human interactions.

I do not hate women (but I barely trust men) This is a result of a couple videos where I’ve heard people say that people “hate women” or women “hating men”. I do not want to say that I have “hated women” to the point I have checked out. This happens on both genders and probably both sides of the poli spectrum. I don’t like women who have a lot of power who are not accountable, and men who are so cocky in their egos, that it scares me. I am in an utter distrust with women, and I strongly dislike men as narcissism and masculinity often gets meshed together.

I never expected someone to “rescue” me – I have not expected someone to “save me” or “come and fix my broken self”. Let me go to that “broken” state, it maybe a phrase I use often to describe myself and even if the phrase was never said explicitly, it was very implicit. The underlying problem is to treat the person with an ASD type of condition to be extremely typical, and statically treat them typically even in a meltdown, if you failed in the meltdown episode, then you are deemed to not be good enough (I am saying that phrase loosely, very loosely. So I was “broken” by proxy, by the enablers that disabled me (ex teachers/paras case managers, DSPs, other managers and those case managers in adult ages.) When you are delegitimized in a small group, and if you can’t fit into a small community, let alone a larger community.

Yet our media, our institutions or worse the community are saying nothing about ASD, and even if they, it’s just passive. The lifestyle is horrible, even for a higher functioning.

The only way to reverse the damage, is NOT self-love, I do not believe that at all. The only way to treat the hopelessness is someone with a big heart that with expectations yours truly would return the favor. I don’t know why I have not found that person yet. CPTSD or not, or trauma wounds or not. I felt my depression and sadness was state not just trait, but that if the state anx/depression went down, then things would’ve turned around for the better, but yet again fucking COVID19 just had to make my life a living hell.

If you can’t even cultivate your own community, hell if I can’t even find self employment because my social network is so brittle, and any attempts to go back to the job market, and hell if I can’t even feel confident to go into college, how can everyone with autism say it’s a blessing and an entirely a gift, that even a higher function guy can’t even function?

I don’t think even for a higher functioning autistic, there is no way to recover.

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“I’d Rather Have 10 Meaningful Friends Than…”

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20 to 25 acquaintances that claim to “always be there”.

I have roughly 36 contacts, they are all professional. I lied there’s 1 or 2 that’s it! To establish LTRs for friends in my life has been a challenge, and even though it’s always been perceived as my fault, there’s nuances that show the other side is worse than a stereotypical autistic.In fact I’ve had more “narc” friends than I have with people who were truly empathic. By the way “narc” that rhymes with “mark” just the diff is there’s an “N” that is short for narcissists.

These are the people I didn’t ask to to be in my life, but these are the groups of people I have no choice being around. I don’t get why narcs are drawn to us. Are we easy bait?

Acquaintances are not as flexible as what friends are. Acquaintances lack the ability to be casssh, and “Facebook-friends” are just no different, worse they are sucking your vulernabilities you post on the platform; as a feedback loop for their own empowerment, that you’re not allowed to have. “Friends” can have deeper meaning, because apparently “autistics can’t have nice things“, the running issue is I can’t seem to get a lucky break in the last decade.

All this shit that people like to preach about the “true meaning” of friends, I’ll say this, I will refuse to listen to advice ever again to any “expert” who thinks they know everything about my condition. For this kind of stuff to continue to circulate with thousands of more narcs continuing to rape the system; the only way to recover is to identify who you’re looking for and that’s the only way to get out.

People may say Laconia is closed, but Laconia still to this day exists in a more worse fashion, through being isolated, clients being routinely gaslit, and being forced to be seen and not heard in the so-called “community“. And all I can say is, just look at the hundreds of post from the last decade and not deny that what I say can be at least 49% true…No. Well GTFO this page then!

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How Does One Rebuild Their Lives?

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Being in my media production business, I know a thing or two about rebuilding.

Building edit suites and creative/promotional workspace is one thing; rebuilding your life from the ground up? That’s a challenge I am struggling in life.

I do not know specifically how retain the idea of keeping toxic people out. I did start to implement what many would consider boundaries, but that was too little too late; it’s hard to find good help and most often the people who come to help may have good intentions but the outcomes can be far from the dream.

One of the things I have done was to do-away of specific interests, such as shutting down The Museum of Telephony, I felt that had to go. The second is start to find people who have describable personalities. That alone can cut down that list.

I do not want someone to come into my space and tell me what I am doing “wrong”. It’s not to say I may do something that’s not proper. I want to have my safe-space too, we all do, hell even Donald Trump has safe spaces (CPAC, TPUSA, etc.) so it’s not just the left.

I don’t know how much more I can attempt to rebuild and have it go away just like what happened 2 years ago. Everything was stable until the pandemic. Most of the pandemic concerns have dwindled, but everything is back to normal for the IDD system, and the ongoing destruction that we ourselves have to clean up. Or shouldn’t I? Maybe I was the enabler.

If you have any ideas, please let me know in the comments.

How to Escape from a State of Narcissism

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What to do if you live in a state of narcissism? Not moment of a level of it, but one of the fifty U.S. States? I suspect there is over a million people in New Hampshire that have minor or significant fingerprints of NPD. Despite what you hear from Free Staters, this state is not “free” for all. “Freedom” apparently these days lack responsibility and accountability… this wasn’t always the case back 30 something years ago in this state. We have a government, we have other institutions, and they are so authoritative, that it defeats the purpose of freedom or even conservatism. Often these people are unelected, or shouldn’t be. The Town Council where I live is so damn authoritative, they think they are Congress or something like that.

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Conservatives Are More Scarier to Me Than Ever Before

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I do not like the word “conservative”. It’s not the fiscally responsible and accountable individuals anymore. It’s more about It’s-All-About-My-Personal-Beliefs-As-Everyone-Else’s-Reality. It’s about congregating certain beliefs and shutting out the ones they do not want to hear. They will call out “the left” for doing something offensive but they live in pile of horsecrap and not realize they are just as bad too. They do not like to be informed, they want to be affirmed.

The more richer some are, the more out of touch they are. (I know mostly lefties are rich…but.) But even middle class (or the shrinking middle class) are more snootier than other groups I can think of.

This weekend, the Turning Point USA, the conservative groups for the youth in colleges and universities, with a logo of an arrow going at a 90° angle curving the left to go back to then bow to the right to move forward had their gathering in Tampa. This place where many Gen Zers were in attendance. Most of their parents would be Generation X, and their grandparents being Silents, this is the buttoned up, suck it up (oh wait this is the generation of “Karens”), allaboutism to “the economy”.

Generation Z claims to be more open to other civil rights groups, but in the last ten years to see the Tea Party become the T Party with the way President Trump did a hostile takeover to that fringe group, I don’t feel very trusted with conservative people. It’s as bad as they recognize your existence, but deny your voice. You’re supposed to shut up and suck it up. I had seen some b-roill on cable news of these under 25 year olds that are probably not the ultra-rich children living on trust funds, but seem to be interested in typical, caucasian people that are perfect strong muscular alpha males because in the Stone Age, it was expected for attractions and procreations to have a strong-man figure.

Today, so many act like p*ssies and  handle responsibility. In reality conservatives are no longer looking out for people like me. Governors Ronald Regan and John H. Suunnu  had de-institutionalized  the developmentally delayed system for political points. There was no long term strategy .

I love to be around people who are open to other’s ideas and aren’t going to talk down to me if I do not agree to their world view. Is there anyone rational anymore?

Afterthoughts From the Last Day Program (The Narcissists)

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On March 13th, 2020, on my full day of my 33 years of existence at the time, would be my last scheduled day at my day program, because of the COVID pandemic. I do not know my official last day was on the books. My mother being, nice-gal had paid the program for March, even when we did not receive a monthly progress note. My preferred DSP’s last day would also be on Friday the 13th.

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Feminism in The 603

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The opinions are coming from a 1/2 Caucasian guy that is an outsider looking in

Feminism and the women’s rights movement is a bit different than in other places. Except for the few blue towns, of which one could recognize the women’s rights movement (abortion, the rights to vote, etc.) the rest of the state was kinda “silent” and not take an extreme position; but I have noticed that feminism in my state is radically different.

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The Log: Relationship Status with “Aly” Changes, Steven gets “Challenged”…yet again! (07-10-2019)

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From typed up notes not from the database…it was actually a “team meeting” with the case manager of the area agency involved. This followed the events of July 1st; and this set the tone for the rest of the calendar year, making that one moment of mutually misunderstanding  be entirely all my fault at the expense of my status there.

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“Bystander Effect” on the Class of 2005 “Stay Classy”

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My originating graduating year in Londonderry, NH (of which I was not a student of Londonderry High) would’ve been 2005, the graduating year where it was dubbed “stay classy” (a reference to Anchorman).

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