Mama Trauma…

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This week has been “off” the one or a couple times where I have put up with my mother for 24x7x365 for nearly 4 years has been daunting and to have a resiliency of not blowing up like a teenage autistic would normally be complemented in a modest manner. However given the unhealthy relationship my mother and I are going through, it’s been extremely challenging.

Sunday I was a bit snippy and I lost it. The other day my mother was just going on and on and having to explain something I can pick up without needing to be talked to like a first grader. This morning, I was under the impression my mother was going to take care of her brother and go to the Manchester office, but then to my chagrin she pulls a curveball of going to the Massachusetts office instead.

Cognitive dissonance much? The reason was a bit passive agressive, she thought she didn’t feel welcome to be at home because apparently I snapped at her. Well at 7:00 or 7:30 in the morning I am not expecting another body in the house! And she wants me to speak more directly than speaking around things to prevent confusion to some annual work related to me, I stopped her and “I’m going to say this straight” and I felt like broke a teacup. She was silent when I left to say “goodnight”.

The lack of emotional control is really draining on me. Is it OK for me to snap at my mother? No, should I be more patient? Perhaps. But for her to be hyper-sensitive to tone and delivery to the point she is not feeling validated using grievance as a tool to manipulate my behavior is pretty infantile.

This should be a public service announcement for females of all ages to have their hormones checked or controlled.

When Avoidant People Become Avoidable

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Avoid is such a “favorite” word of mine, I like to attribute that hatred to people like the Ed Brouders of the world and other Propaganda Artists at the local police departments masquerading as “Public Information Officers” who order to media outlets to “avoid [a road]” instead of leaving the driver clueless and helpless to figure out an alternative route.  Or my favorite one on NHDOT signage is “Expect Delays” – when and how long?

In fact I think that’s why New Hampshire is a dumpster fire, all the damaged children and adult females allow their trauma to replay, and as a result they threw it away and it makes this state stink so badly. I hate my state’s media because it always ties back to the Timesaving New Hampshire Traffic hits of “avoiding Route 3” without any way of learning how to get around it without telling you, because you should know anyways. 

If you are familiar with domestic local media, Shadow Broadcast Services, better known as Shadow Traffic never used such language structures like the former WZID traffic hack. Their traffic reporters always gave you the alternative like holding ones hands without being so authoritative (again Brouder comes to mind YET again.) In recent years stations that used to use Shadow worked in-house at various media outlets around the country. one was New York’s WCBS 880 and their traffic reports in house till the format’s death on August 23rd would use phrase “I’d use the Holland instead” or “better off with using the Triborough” while media outlets closer to home will just say whatever social media feed tells them to repeat, and does WZID still have cell number for reporting traffic? I don’t think so.

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Editorial: Kelly Ayotte is an Existential Threat to the Granite State

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In about a couple weeks weeks (my next haircut happens on the day before) Election Day; I have considered if I should risk my life, family and reputation to call out an alarming concern if things specifically happen on Election Day, our state will never be the same. I have waited until I felt it was the right time to call out in fairness to verify Kelly Ayotte’s dangerous political rhetoric she has done well before she registered to run for governor this spring. Ayotte’s campaign Facebook page blocked access to The Hopeless Autistic last week.

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Editorial: The NHDP Does not “Represent” Me in their “Democracy”

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The New Hampshire Democratic Party, as bad as living in a deep red state own does not speak for me. In state & local politics, as early as my twenties, neither party addressed my concerns. the Democratic party like the GOP will most likely lead me on of listening but not acting, where in the NHGOP, when the phone don’t ring, you’ll know it’s them.

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The Ongoing Unhealthy Family Structures

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My mother and I were “off” today. A bit ago the old woman went outside for a long period of time. She comes back in being a bit snippy. I asked (in a higher pitched/sympathetic tone)  “is everything’s ok?” and she responded with “I’m doing perfectly fine” sarcastically.

Due to my mental stamina today there was a miscommunication on wetting the grass from what happened a couple weeks ago while I misunderstood she “needed help” (translation: she pushed-me to “help” her no less than 10 minutes before the halftime Kansas Chiefs at the 49ers game. I also wasn’t in the mood to be “instructed” how to use the sprinkler or the outdoor faucet. She opted to play passive aggressive to “make a little note to never ask you for any help because you’re conveniently unavailable.”
I just walked away feeling guilty and any showing of ownership make her remark “I don’t know what to say” but then she took the “I’m going to walk away” as a passive/agressive remark so she then * all of a sudden * “wanted silence”.  Ok… Says the person who talks during a game about what happened on the sports talk stations the previous week, in almost verbatim.
Of course because I snipped at her, I have to take that responsibility and sacrifice tomorrow’s schedule because she “shut down” for the night emotionally. So if dishes (which she said she was going to do… perhaps “didn’t feel like it” would come up) and laundry aren’t done tomorrow, that means the house won’t be clean until Friday at the latest because she’ll be on site for Tuesday into Thursday.
Two wrongs don’t make it a right. She’s severely disreg’d and the one who takes the flack has to be yours truly. Her emotions is a grievance and I’m more and more confused on how to “help” her other than tasks she wants me to do, but if I offer any help, well it has to be in her confusing list of expectations.
I’m leaving it at that

Masculinity Monday: Picking Apart Male Behaviors, Attitudes, Etc.

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On Mondays, I’ll write about various topics about masculinity, the behaviors, and other traits of men or boys.

Waaaayy before male/gender dysmorphia, autism and male were both a dually stigmatizing thing growing up in the early oughts. Not to mention having female feminist teachers who also didn’t like boys or alpha men either. The men who were in middle or high school programs where I attended were emotionally-unavailable.

For so many years being ganged up by women, and teachers with feminists agendas, I was really held hostage for my own belief system. Moreover in the many years in the SPED school system, that I had to be a “nice-guy” and “respect women” by bending over backwards. As a result of this to quote DINO “Dr. Jordan Peterson”, “Nice guys finish last”.

But when I would try to get into the real world, I would run into men (albeit on the tech forums, the “IT Professional” forums or even freckin social media, I would notice this crass men, who often would speak directly and also brag about “cheap” stuff they got on eBay or love to use variants of “good” and just noticing how sick these species known as adult males also known as men can be.

Then we have tomboy types of women, who ride feminism but want to act and have the freedom of men then protect women’s sports. Yeah, I am talking about Kelly, that Kelly. 

Since this blog started, the red pill or the so-called “manosphere” really was a niche and fringe group but when JD Vance started to say wild crap and Elon Musk reposting batshit stuff on X formerly known as Twitter, and from what I have seen online that was on the borderline of fringe, lead to mainstream cringe. This lead me to produce a special series of reports at the minifig TV station a couple winters ago.

To say that it’s hard to be a guy in 2024, a reasonable and kind would be an understatement.

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#TransformationTuesday Self Advocacy = Activism

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Corrected on October 4th, to reflect mistake on the name of the “parade” in Concord that occurs on the 5th since the people who lead the organization can’t talk directly!

Because I was out-of-districted in Massachusetts, the only self advocacy I learned was trial-and-error, fumbling and tackling down teachers and management, embarrass them in Section 504 meetings, etc. I was one jaded little teen.

Lots of people I know that vary in this very state are getting ick-ed by the rise of activism masqueraded as self-advocacy

From my understandings, self advocacy was taught on this side of the border more for speaking up for what you need. Self advocacy is an important skill, and sometimes in a political context.

According to people I meet, they often notice my ability to self-advocate, But I can’t speak for others because I used to be a loudmouth ahole, so what do I know?

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A View on “Buddies”

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This came up on my personal Facebook the other day with it trying to turn this post in a “Then vs Now” function. I missed it because it to be posted on the same day in 2017…

I wanted to post me doomscrolling on my phone feeling a false-nostalgia. I guess I could do it manually posting with a hashtag of #ThenVsNow

Without going into much detail, a then-student in 2017, who knew someone in management in my then day program (that was also their professor) at the time had organized a “Buddies” group at SNHU, which surprisingly  is an actual campus despite having an online learning platform. In fact the on campus was growing tremendously pre-pandemic as it borders Hooksett and the fringe of Manchester, in fact you can see SNHU at Exit 10 on 93 – something that was never seen from the highway before.

This, like many other experiences as much as my skepticism was in my mind, the hopeful side of me was hoping to meet people who would’ve been much younger than me to be something more than just buddies. In fact I written a similar title either here or my personal blog (of which the database was screwed up locking me out from viewing any posts.)

I’d rather write small posts from each of the times I went for nearly 2 years before I felt this wasn’t the right place either. The problem was more of when the student graduated, would the other buddy be abandoned?

For it’s time, it was a community organized event with the students that had experiences with people like me. It’s a departure from the Best Buddies which is a rigorous organization. But in fairness, I think there should be more than one type to what can work. The problems that can run into a community organized event is you’re betting on the SNHU buddy member that will stay in touch with you and hope you don’t fade into “busy” and a “post college life” or even bigger things like getting married or even having kids. I finally found one buddy who ghosted me (and she was such a cool-chick) to find out a month ago she’s married with two kids.. and she’s nearly 11 years younger than moi.

This has been mentioned in the prompt of continuous improvement to the IDD system in my annual contract, they are choosing to ignore what they expect us to be anyways in the community? Remember “autism acceptance”, knowing that these things are superficial is part of that list.

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#TransformationTuesday: “Community Based Supports” = Out of Bathwater Services

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As part of adding justa little more time on this blog, to help layman people what people like me exist and why we are out, since I am interested in policy and understanding governance, I feel like I should be the one that can try to help out to extract the jargon to more understandable (or sometimes politically incorrect phrases).

I feel for my peers who can’t really speak for themselves with the force feeding of HCBS… ahem OBS

Since the 1990s, the state had supported adults with intellectual disabilities home & community based supports also known as HCBS in the so-called “advocates” and other related groups.

The services unlike in special education, where one was most likely secluded in an out of district program as the worse case, the individual in this situation would be in the community for a measurable 30 hours a week. The theory – that is by having an active person with a disability in the community would being inclusion and tolerance. The “Out of Bathwater Services” or OBS as I will rename this can be an emotional burden to the individual or support staff. The reason why I say “out of bathwater” is because it’s taking people into uncomfortable and often unforgiving places even in 2024; a lot of this force began ten years ago to be implemented right as COVID brought mass infections in 2020, the regulations put a deadline.

“feeling like I am walking on a four sided Plexiglass telephone booth where I can see things and not touch it.” ironically the plexiglass metaphor couldn’t be so literal after COVID just five years after I mentioned this

Part of these regulations also forced a “code of ethics” for the direct support professionals, known to the people as DSPs and the power structures that would change to make the DSP be extremely Swiss or have sudden strict boundaries. This can make or break an individuals mature experience in society.

From ASAN, the Autistic Self Absorbed Network, to our trio of activism, question the effectively of being out in the community literally for 6 hours a day assuming you’re going to have a job. What if you don’t? What if you don’t have money to shop or eat out food?

In fact the push of OBS was one of the reasons I fought against it, the creation of the Hopeless Autistic was my written accounts of what I had already seen in SPED a decade before. It was the most literal example of Read the F-cking Manual and interpret it yourself, and be sure you  understand it properly to avoid a non-compliance fine.

I went so far to explain my experience to several seasoned professionals at DHHS “feeling like I am walking on a four sided Plexiglass telephone booth where I can see things and not touch it.” ironically the plexiglass metaphor couldn’t be so literal after COVID just five years after I mentioned this. COVID delayed this forced feeding of OBS at least another two years because the pandemic, but since late 2022, things are “back to normal”.

And back to normal of walking around as if one is socially isolated with a group of people and getting conflicting messages whether to be part of it or stay isolated. I feel for my peers who can’t really speak for themselves with the force feeding of HCBS… ahem OBS