Tag Archives: Autistic Survival of Narcissism

Where the Hell am I on the Recovery Scale?

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Let me begin with a few things that drives me nuts online on places like YouTube with regards to human interactions.

I do not hate women (but I barely trust men) This is a result of a couple videos where I’ve heard people say that people “hate women” or women “hating men”. I do not want to say that I have “hated women” to the point I have checked out. This happens on both genders and probably both sides of the poli spectrum. I don’t like women who have a lot of power who are not accountable, and men who are so cocky in their egos, that it scares me. I am in an utter distrust with women, and I strongly dislike men as narcissism and masculinity often gets meshed together.

I never expected someone to “rescue” me – I have not expected someone to “save me” or “come and fix my broken self”. Let me go to that “broken” state, it maybe a phrase I use often to describe myself and even if the phrase was never said explicitly, it was very implicit. The underlying problem is to treat the person with an ASD type of condition to be extremely typical, and statically treat them typically even in a meltdown, if you failed in the meltdown episode, then you are deemed to not be good enough (I am saying that phrase loosely, very loosely. So I was “broken” by proxy, by the enablers that disabled me (ex teachers/paras case managers, DSPs, other managers and those case managers in adult ages.) When you are delegitimized in a small group, and if you can’t fit into a small community, let alone a larger community.

Yet our media, our institutions or worse the community are saying nothing about ASD, and even if they, it’s just passive. The lifestyle is horrible, even for a higher functioning.

The only way to reverse the damage, is NOT self-love, I do not believe that at all. The only way to treat the hopelessness is someone with a big heart that with expectations yours truly would return the favor. I don’t know why I have not found that person yet. CPTSD or not, or trauma wounds or not. I felt my depression and sadness was state not just trait, but that if the state anx/depression went down, then things would’ve turned around for the better, but yet again fucking COVID19 just had to make my life a living hell.

If you can’t even cultivate your own community, hell if I can’t even find self employment because my social network is so brittle, and any attempts to go back to the job market, and hell if I can’t even feel confident to go into college, how can everyone with autism say it’s a blessing and an entirely a gift, that even a higher function guy can’t even function?

I don’t think even for a higher functioning autistic, there is no way to recover.

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How to Escape from a State of Narcissism

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What to do if you live in a state of narcissism? Not moment of a level of it, but one of the fifty U.S. States? I suspect there is over a million people in New Hampshire that have minor or significant fingerprints of NPD. Despite what you hear from Free Staters, this state is not “free” for all. “Freedom” apparently these days lack responsibility and accountability… this wasn’t always the case back 30 something years ago in this state. We have a government, we have other institutions, and they are so authoritative, that it defeats the purpose of freedom or even conservatism. Often these people are unelected, or shouldn’t be. The Town Council where I live is so damn authoritative, they think they are Congress or something like that.

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The Log: The Cry for Help to the Secondary Manager at the Day Program (12-18-2019)

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Two days after that incident, I need backup. The reply negated any concern and wouldn’t allow me to transfer. This manager left during COVID.

I need to be really serious.  I have not overstepped authority recently and request to intervention with this high severity. I desperately need your help, you know me for almost 3 years, you have more sympathy to my needs, and you would address them if you were still at [primary office]. I can’t overwhelm your time, but I have to…I need to inform you of what is been going on. It’s time sensitive and I would love a response at the earliest to try to not let the situation from the management continue to fester.

The last thing I wanted to do is send an email. I was going to wait for a reply from you, but Aly responded (on the very bottom) this morning with some pretty strong statements indicating she’s wants to bail out with me. I had to get on top of that subj before things got worse.

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The Log: *The* Issue with the Day Program (12-16-2019)

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This was actually based off a 2019 post about management. And the same day where I trashed many of my Facebook-friends, by blocking them and their S.O.’s profiles

Short Narrative: Conflicts resulting from an email from the previous week

Long form:

Attempted to begin to work on the newsletter, Aly mentioned that “Jackass” would come in at 9:30 to discuss the email. I started to make remarks where I defended the reasoning of the email, and Aly was cutting me off (i.e. not listening), I started to get loud, and Aly responded that “I do not appreciate degrading emails”. Aly refused to listen to how I felt being not heard and felt like “the only adult in the room” last week being attacked.

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Building Walls During a Pandemic

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After the events in 2019, from the day program failures, to my agressive paternal family, and the issues in home, I started to pinpoint what was going on. But before I realized what toxic relationships really was; I figured it was too little, too late.

In the process of building boundaries, setting expectations, and hoping the other side will get it, I realized there was going to be challenges, such as:

  • You’re going to come off flip-flopping, and inconsistent. This is because you’re now setting new goal posts in different locations, so someone will see onto that, but…
  • The new boundaries should start to be seen, and be expected. However that’s wishful thinking. A toxic person hates boundaries, because they like to be in control, or get their hands dirty because they have nothing better to do. They want their reassurance, and I am not giving it to them
  • Building something 24/7/365 is just taxing. But this is superimposed against the COVID19 epidemic has made this worse. This is because when being destroyed by toxic people (that is taking the hits, accepting cheap shots, hearing the passive-agressive undertones, the lack of something that is critically constructive, such as substance over style.) In the nearly 700 days since the pandemic began, I’ve heard more destructive rhetoric than I have had of something that is constructive 
  • The pain of being statically calm and collective (and a bit vulernable). The other problem was the conflicts of when they do occur requires me to be calm, cool and collective and be extremely graceful. When I would hear a cheap shot, a passive agressive statement, attacking on style, extremely defensive on specific matters; not reflecting, not sympathetic, but project optimism by minimizing ones reality. Also spin phrases like “I can’t control how you feel” on the lowest end of emotional infractions; but often reacts without understanding what raw language, unfiltered thoughts could impact the other person in the name of being “real”

As a result, I had struggled to build boundaries, during a pandemic, I have not been able to always be calm cool and collective, and I have been Hoover’d in to cheap shots, blame shifting, scapegoating (to a mild extent), being exposed to projection (and if little) not understanding the sympathy of the people in my life who lack boundaries.

I will say that even though I may had these tendencies, it’s common in autism, but in most cases, someone with ASD will realize there’s a wrong and they’ll try to course correct, but for typical people it is never OK. I want people to know that I have been working extremely hard to be less toxic even if the toxicities was caused by being exposed to the worst egos out there. I’ll be the last to say I am the empath-type. 

2022: Another Chapter…Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse (‘typical Against an Autistic)

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In early 2020, in the midst of COVID19, I had taken time off from my 3rd adult day program. Little would I know, this would be the beginning of the end with them. There was several incidents leading to being kicked-out, or worse written-off because I wasn’t disabled-enough. I do not know when my last day of my program was because of the pandemic, it was likely the end of March, because we were last billed for the services, despite having communications with administrative staff in April. (Some would say that was not-professional for any staff to divulge any vulernabilities of the program to a client.)

I say: I don’t give a flying fuck!

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