Earlier this afternoon, my day went to hell.
It started this morning, when the mother noticed something on the table. Apparently I am a messy person, or I should admit I am a messy person. Sometimes I don’t clean off the table like I should. In anyway, I felt offended.
My mother was away for today and she came home, and I was still moody because I am tired of being criticized for sustaining a messy dining table, even when I am TRYING to do better, something of which I never get any praise for.
I got impatient after being criticized, and I threw a cardboard file box across the living room floor. I also threw a few uncontrollable f-bombs, but I was really getting offended by being criticized again and again.
At the same time, we were attempting to set up the Christmas Tree. If it weren’t for my mother’s statements this morning, we wouldn’t gotten into a swearing match, dropping things and having to restrain my mother from not throwing the Christmas Tree outside and making a scene in the neighborhood.
I admit, I’ve learned bad anger management skills from my mother.
We made an agreement when we moved over to the new house, we wouldn’t be in such high stress level compared to living at my grandmothers, she’ll be moving in the coming months, and she gets scared by our high strung arguments.
I think the problem is a relationship is broken and it is beyond repair -and it has been that way for a long time. This story doesn’t end yet
Meanwhile as this hell erupted, I have a meeting next week for planning next years services. My mother wants to kick me out and live on housing. Something I do not want to do. I don’t want to live in cheapass housing, and having the fear of the apartment burning down because some retard did something he wasn’t supposed to do. I live in Greater Boston, and you need to make at least $30,000 to live in some decent apartment. My mother has on and off this idea of moving out. For a long time she wanted out, but that was before she bought a house.
I had said on a number of occasions that I wished I was never born, and earlier on today that I wanted to put a noose over my neck. Those two statements I still defend. I have no idea how the world would be if I didn’t exist. I think about that alot. I don’t see the importance of my existence sometimes. My mother threatened me if I made another statement, she would put me to the psycho ward. And where I live, police officers bring people to the psych ward, since in my state it is illegal to kill yourself, and I guess if I attempt to do that, I violate state law. Well I’m surprised there hasn’t been a New Hampshire law prohibiting autistics to exist in this state – at least not yet. If society had it their way, they would make it illegal to have autism.
My mother has made mistakes in my upbringing. I’ve not said that explicitly here; nor do I choose blame her for her mistakes.  I know I’ve made mistakes too. Though in the last few months I’ve heard various “statements” that shes said about my upbringing that was very hurtful to me. I can’t think of examples, and I will not disclose this on this blog. Such statements, I wouldn’t even thought of.
Our relationship has been endanger for quite a while now. The last time housing brought up was in August, during a very stressful time. Christmas is depressing and the regular stress has just increased. I’ve lost faith of higher power, since those same higher power have terrorized my area on a number of occasions the last few years.  I strongly believe in the devil.
If you are ignorant about ASD or autism, if you read the beginning, you may think I am a jerk, well what really bothers me is why are the real jerks not getting punished? Some of these self-absorbed morons  are my family! Such actions have occurred during this time of year. My existence to date, I’ve seen my family fall apart, and some believe that family is more important than friends, but I don’t like how small my family is now.
Another thing that very few people know about is my father, someone who I don’t even know! I’ve heard bits and pieces since I was 15. It was then I found out I was missing something else. My classmates in middle school were the inappropriate group that had brought this attention to me. And as time has gone on, I am feeling more and more that I should had a father, well what did my mother know when she had me at 16? Apparently my mother was under the impression her first love would be the one that lasted forever, and such young ignorance turned out to be quite different. My mother has said he was “verbally abusive” and explained details about that description.
I don’t know if I am better off without him or not. What I do know is my life is ending. There is no hope going forward. The amount of stupid people has made my future looking bleaker. I am planning going into 2013 (if I’m not lucky to die before then) to work, and be a fucking slave, and working my ass off (at least 20 hours a week) and get a paycheck and hopefully it won’t screw up my benefits because my services require a form of Medicaid for them to provide services and live on my own, since my mother has said we might have a better relationship not being closely together. Of course, the pursuit of romance will have to be crossed off depending on the housing, I can’t have her come over. Let alone how there are so many Valley Girls in my area, they are very narrow minded people, they only want a man with money and that can drive. I can’t drive because there so many self-absorbed Boston drivers on the local highways!
I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be posting this story at all. Given how my mother has admitted at failure of being a better mother, there really is no need for this blog huh? I’m hoping I can exit out with grace from all the alleged mistakes I and my old and current support team and my mother has made.
And they say that autism isn’t caused by lack of empathy from the mother, or a mothers parenting style? That’s a lie, they don’t want to offend the mother. Apparently my mother has made so many mistakes, that lead for me to explain this.
I do know one thing for sure, I don’t care about love anymore. I understand that love should be a dirty word. Its a bad word. Hate is the new love in my opinion. Love has no meaning anymore generically and to my own personal situation. If I don’t understand my own relationship with my mother, and if I can’t grasp that, then how in the hell can I have any relationships?
Hence my title.