Tag Archives: Family

Lacking Emotional Regulation (Surrounding People)

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I am not allowed to be sad, not because of my autism, because it’s too-much for the people in my life.

I do not like to be depressed either, but sadly since my late teens, I have not been allowed the chance to emote properly. The highest range is happiness, and the lowest range is mildly sad. If I have long face, that sends triggers to the mama-bear who feels a need to “fix” the problem to make her feel better. Because the old woman cannot distance herself from the lower thresholds of emotion, I cannot be sad. And if I am sad, she becomes sad.

So sadly, I have been stoic for the last two years in an unique way. I am gracefully being happy while so much shit has been falling to the fan behind me. My mother prides on a quote from a no-name author with zero credentials of “Your only happy if you have the happiest child”, some random BS like that. And being the only child, just makes that pressure even worse, and the mother who can’t sympathize with the autistic child, I mean hierarchal autistic child, doesn’t get it and she refuses to understand.

I know i have a survival rate of 2 years if SHTF, but it has not been tested for a really bad recession (of which I had been calling since 2019) to follow a pandemic. I do not care how my mother wants to spin a version of reality, I want to be able to feel the way I need to feel, and my mother wants to project arrogance (masqueraded as “pride” – of everything’s chill.) At this point the ol woman is acting like a notorious abusive man.

The inability to have proper emotional control has made the situation inherently worse than like any child of any age, to have the self trademarked feelings of present events. To dismiss and project, is basically gaslighting. And if my mother is wondering why my contact has been limited, to even in some instances no-contact while living 24x7x365 for the last couple of years, her brused ego has gotten in the way for me to process the emotions I want to process.

I do not sense any level of recovery anytime soon. I think the best days of my life have passed by me by pure maternal politics and unreasonable control over autonomy and the only way to grieve is silence. Then she wonders why I am so quiet, but the moment I start talking, she goes back to the projection, unhealthy optimism and poor feedback when it comes to empathy.

As my mother would say (and I never use this personally) I cannot win.

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Happy Fucking Father’s Day…

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After a situation in March of 2019, when my paternal family came for a “surprise” visit for my birthday along with my paternal grandmother… little would the rest of the family know about that surprise.

That also includes two half-sisters who had no idea they even had a half-brother. Not to mention these are adult siblings. Well into adults.

My cousin who used’a live the next town over, had posted this on Father’s Day 2020 on her Facebook. While I was no longer Facebook-friends with her; I saw this on her timeline…

She tags a boatload of Uncles and my father as one (redacted for the purposes of this site.) Even cousins acting like father figures. Her biological father is an apparent technophobe (guess Uncle Michael should’ve used a Macintosh instead.) that’s why there’s no mention of him in this post.

What do I have? Boston TV anchormen of the 80s and 90s? Yeah. My life is more shallow than a 20 year old. Most of my family in cousins are much younger than me leaving me to be the oldest grandchild of my Bachiyan, Japanese for grandmother.

Between March of 2019 and June of 2020, I was blaming myself for causing a ruckus on Facebook when my aunt and Bachiyan arrived for my birthday. But once I realized how my father didn’t tell the adult half-sisters, I started to realize something very telling…

I do not exist at all to him. That I am a dead fetus that should’ve occurred to begin with. And if I was born a female, perhaps the outcome would look more like the screengrab shown above from my female cousin! It was at that point I realized, there would be a different outcome if I was born a female. 

Excuse me while I continue to find someone whose got a great father-figure I long to have…

Relationships w/ Redundancies & Independencies

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Today’s post can easily be taken as a business, technological or investment advice, but actually – it has to do with relationships.
I come from a small, but pretty tight knit family. That on the piece of paper might sound sexy, but in the reality in the bigger picture, and as time goes on is actually bad.
My mother had me more than 2 decades ago and basically has said on a number of occasions that I was the “best thing that happened to” her. Ok that’s nice and flattering, but that same mentality that went into my childhood, into my teenage years and into my adulthood sorry looses its relevancy. Why? Because my mother has admitted recently that she overprotected me. Factor that, and knowing my father was absent in my life then my mother loosing her high school friend, I guess she started to build her life around me. Then basically my life was built around my mother.
Is there something wrong in that picture?
The answer is “yes.”
As you probably learned in school if you are around my age, you are not supposed to be overly reliant on anyone, or depend on someone to love you or to live them. You shouldn’t be spending your entire life around one person and revolve around you two ether.
What if something happened to your family member, or even your loved one? I knew a guy who worked in my school who actually lost his wife unexpectedly. They went to lunch and said goodbye and I love yous and then got a telephone call from a hospital that she died (something like a heart attack.) He actually got so depressed he actually went psycho. I don’t know what happened to him. My school I used to go to doesn’t employ any of the staff I was close with anymore. They are all elsewheres in life. Anyways He was kinda chickie like guy, depending on his wife to do everything.
Ok, enough with independency what about redundancy?
You should never have just a first tier of social circles. It’s just like baseball or football, you should have second or third stringers and make sure those stringers have enough experience on the field just in case the first tier fails.  Can I say Tom Brady? You’d know what I am talking about If you have watched a few New England Patriots games.
For example: instead not just having one friend, or one BFF; take into consideration to have maybe two or three.  The average in my household is actually 2 – too me that’s unhealthy, but it shouldn’t be like 500 ether. Maybe 6 would be the best. Redundancies come into play in case one of your friends gets too tied up with a girlfriend or a wife, someone getting knocked up and then has to put 100% attention to the kid till s/hes 18, or even a job can distract someone.  By spreading out the risk to other people who might not be in a similar situation is strongly recommended. This requires your social circle to be as diverse and fault tolerant as possible – which goes to your advantage.
Having multiple levels of relationships and levels of backup and social failovers are the best way you can live your life healthily. It’s the same of putting too many eggs in one basket, or a Swiss Army Friend, they can do a lot, but if that one fails, then you might fail as well.

Christmas, part two

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Christmas is a hard thing for me to understand. My autism doesn’t help manners. Part of it is I wasn’t exposed to faith and religion at an early age. Another part is my difficulties of relationships, especially to family.
I’ve mentioned earlier today that I’ve had family issues in recent years relevant to Christmas. Another part of me is I can’t turn-off things i.e. “letting troubles be out of sight”* I also believe given my my strong emotional bond with my mother makes anything tick. I find such chemistry has made our relationship even more difficult. Such emotional similarities would not be an ideal match for any other relationship.
*verse of “Have Yourself A Merry Christmas”
RELATED: Have you seen My Ideal Girl yet?
On top of that, I’m just struggling through life almost being unemployed for 5 years straight and now mounting concerns for me to get that new annual contract for certain services where there is more goals compliance and accountability on my end and I can’t just shut it off on one day.
I think being an adult is the worst feeling to have. I don’t see really anything good out of it other than I have a teensy bit of freedom (i.e. unemployed for almost 5 years) and just having the time to yep about my frustrations of life.
I’ve lost the meaning of Christmas. After what happened to me personally to the last 9 months of this year and seeing the elections going the wrong way and seeing the economy stalling for another 4 years and seeing how social media, “the cloud” and iDevices killing possibly U.S. I.T. or even service jobs, makes me just feel even worse. Going back to micro-view, I feel looking forward,  I just don’t see any future for any new relationships. I may get a job and seek professional relationships, and getting a job and maybe loose some services (the system for special needs is totally fucked up here in the States – I’ll leave that part out.)
On top of that, I don’t see any future for “friends” or even a girlfriend. Remember, I live in a suburban area of Boston, and often its a bunch of rich brats or anyone that is underage, since there are so many school age people who live around here. And if there are people my age, then they are like my cousin, taken and happily married. There aren’t that many single 25 year olds – lets be frank. All the good looking (read: bad ass girls) are taken, the not so pretty live with their parents, and the truly loving and caring girls are extremely rare.  I’m looking into taking an indefinite break of dating and going into relationships, something that was in place since birth, if you really think about it.
This is coming on the heels as allegedly the world is supposed to end tomorrow. Its all over cable TV right now of the fear of it. I’ll say this I was born on the 12th, my worst years of my life were 12 and 21 and 2012 wasn’t the best year ether. I hope nothing severe happens in my area in the event of a disaster.
But I’ll say this – my life is over. Whether or not I die or not, my life is figuratively dead. There is no way to revive. I was pronounced dead back earlier this year. 2013 and onwards is going be a challenge, and something I have to do, but maybe it won’t be as painful. Maybe its a sign that I won’t have to endure pain as being someone that has a “disability” that only a “doctor” with a PhD degree can treat. Maybe I’ll get paralyzed, and maybe that will be the best moment in my life (as fucked up as it is) and actually have empathy of the masses for the first time. Maybe there will be friends and a possible girlfriend and maybe a future wife that would love me for who I am, since again a disability is typically not observed by society as something in the brain.
Whether or not the world ends tomorrow, I will put more resources into this blog. My plan is to decode what I had experience for relationships and again analyze it. Sadly, I am not getting those beloved search terms like “can autistic people fall in love” “why don’t autistic people fall in love” “could I date someone with autism”. Oh, I make that up with my experiences of ignorant people not wanting to date someone like me.
Well hopefully, I’ll see you people tomorrow. Bye!

Families, Christmas & Relationships

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Christmas time in recent years has been traditionally the most difficult (and depressing) year for me. I think a vast majority of people around the world whether they are” normal” or “different” could attest to my thoughts.
I don’t think as one gets older and the views of the holiday changes, it’s the fact I’ve seen my own family fell apart thought my childhood into my teenage years and into my adult life.  I believe part of this has to do with people being self-absorbed. I have a few family members who have ruined our relationships and just witnessing it has been painful. Thankfully I’ve closed that chapter over the last few Christmases.
My (maternal) aunt has been absent of my life since I was about 16, she’s a handful to deal with. She has been around my area on several occasions in the last year like it was no ones business, which in part that is a literal statement and a figurative one at the same time.  The family had basically broken up with her several years ago, and she had gotten married and had a child and had told us after the fact. She doesn’t live around here, but in an area hundreds and hundreds of miles away from where I live. She’ll contact my grandmother on a occasion and talk to her like nothing happened. No guilt or any sense thereof. I could even understand her or forgive if  she had any guilt thereof.  To end that story, she’s a textbook definition of someone who is “fake” and is chronically a jerk. It boggles my mind how can someone be so careless, but act so caring in the most lamest fashion. I won’t bring up additional “drama” since it is to do with my family in an intimate way, and I don’t need (literally the) entire world* to know.
*I’ve gotten more international followers than I have domestic on this blog!
Another family member that has been part of my relationship from childhood was a cousin from one side of my family tree.  She’s less than 5 years older than I am. She used to baby sit me. And she knew about my difficulties. (I was naive and thought my family didn’t know about my autism, I don’t know how much they knew at the time. I was that bad – at a young age of 18!)
She finished high school at the turn of the century and went to a university in Providence, and later was dating a boyfriend and later had a kid and gotten married. It really was she was  with a boyfriend, gotten pregnant, moved back to the area, and then gotten married, etc., etc. etc. Unfortunately, things went very fast, and that timeline all happened within one year.  Her later-to-be husband I wasn’t too fond of (and still I have difficulties with.) He is originally from the South, and I kinda don’t care for Southerners.
Meanwhile, my cousin has a severe case of undiagnosed ADHD, where she can’t sit still for one second (don’t try a New York Minute with her  ether!) Her ADHD-like demeanor just really puts her into a fog and a tunnelvision.
Unlike the aunt I was discussing about earlier, this cousin is the suburban-girl stereotype I have been very critical on the blogs I’ve published in the last couple of years. In high school, she was very popular, was in athletic clubs, being HS president, the valedictorian and all that crap that one experiences in high school. She was well liked. So much, that she added up her social circles in college.
Many.
A lot.
So much, Facebook wouldn’t need to be referenced about her social life, because I see it outside of the browser window!
Supposedly her “friend” count on Facebook is near 1,000, but I see her large social circle when I have been to family gatherings, and family should be stricken out because often when we went to her kids birthdays it was like we were the third-wheel.
I’ve been over the drinking age for over 4 years now, and my phone hasn’t rang yet about going out for a beer together with my mother, her and her husband.  Hasn’t happened yet. She’s been to more bridal showers (and now after marriage) baby showers  from the college age and high school friends than she has been with her family. And speaking about drinking, she was one of those party girls, though now  being thirty, she’s is supposedly slowing down, and the partying allegedly has slowed down too.
I was taught when I was in my late teens that most friends fade after various stages, and while you retain some friends in stages like high school or college, it was that some would continue, not like how my cousin has (again, Facebook or “friends” on Fb has nothing or little to do with this story, because the story explains itself in the real world!)
I’ve haven’t seen her in a long time, last time was around Christmas. She used to be a manager of  a major borderline-yuppie national bakery chain in my area before moving closer to home of opening a new shop about a year ago.
I might be bitter because there is some natural jealousy to her lavish lifestyle in her twenties, something I never had to begin with, because I was taught to grow up right after my 18th birthday (as perverted as it is.) And I haven’t used Facebook for a few years actively, and seeing this overrated lifestyle in the real world has hurt me even more. And this is my cousin – a cousin I was very close with as a kid! Someone who should had been aware of ones dysfunctions and using as a perspective in life! Yes I have changed since a preteen, but you get my point!
It hurts around this time of year, when such holiday is to be with the close people in your family, and some family members you think are close to you; is not close to them and the only solution is to just take them out of your life. And for someone like me, it’s the most painful thing to do, but you have to get on with your life. But it’s the only option that will be a logical solution.
I write these public stories to show how I am unfairly having a void in my brain called understanding relationships and how its not me – it’s the other people have redefined relationships or ruining the definition.  Sadly, its my own close family members that are redefining relationships.

Why aren’t there cards for people who are Love-confused?

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After the disaster earlier today, I would like to find a card for my mother (NOT as a kiss-up) but something of significance. Unfortunately, I’m likely a minority, so there aren’t any cards for someone who doesn’t know why he can’t fully love his mother.
But why aren’t there any? There’s got to be a few confused people out there.

Merry Christmas! *sarcasm*

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Earlier this afternoon, my day went to hell.
It started this morning, when the mother noticed something on the table. Apparently I am a messy person, or I should admit I am a messy person. Sometimes I don’t clean off the table like I should. In anyway, I felt offended.
My mother was away for today and she came home, and I was still moody because I am tired of being criticized for sustaining a messy dining table, even when I am TRYING to do better, something of which I never get any praise for.
I got impatient after being criticized, and I threw a cardboard file box across the living room floor. I also threw a few uncontrollable f-bombs, but I was really getting offended by being criticized again and again.
At the same time, we were attempting to set up the Christmas Tree. If it weren’t for my mother’s statements this morning, we wouldn’t gotten into a swearing match, dropping things and having to restrain my mother from not throwing the Christmas Tree outside and making a scene in the neighborhood.
I admit, I’ve learned bad anger management skills from my mother.
We made an agreement when we moved over to the new house, we wouldn’t be in such high stress level compared to living at my grandmothers, she’ll be moving in the coming months, and she gets scared by our high strung arguments.
I think the problem is a relationship is broken and it is beyond repair -and it has been that way for a long time. This story doesn’t end yet
Meanwhile as this hell erupted, I have a meeting next week for planning next years services. My mother wants to kick me out and live on housing. Something I do not want to do. I don’t want to live in cheapass housing, and having the fear of the apartment burning down because some retard did something he wasn’t supposed to do. I live in Greater Boston, and you need to make at least $30,000 to live in some decent apartment. My mother has on and off this idea of moving out. For a long time she wanted out, but that was before she bought a house.
I had said on a number of occasions that I wished I was never born, and earlier on today that I wanted to put a noose over my neck. Those two statements I still defend. I have no idea how the world would be if I didn’t exist. I think about that alot. I don’t see the importance of my existence sometimes. My mother threatened me if I made another statement, she would put me to the psycho ward. And where I live, police officers bring people to the psych ward, since in my state it is illegal to kill yourself, and I guess if I attempt to do that, I violate state law. Well I’m surprised there hasn’t been a New Hampshire law prohibiting autistics to exist in this state – at least not yet. If society had it their way, they would make it illegal to have autism.
My mother has made mistakes in my upbringing. I’ve not said that explicitly here; nor do I choose blame her for her mistakes.  I know I’ve made mistakes too. Though in the last few months I’ve heard various “statements” that shes said about my upbringing that was very hurtful to me. I can’t think of examples, and I will not disclose this on this blog. Such statements, I wouldn’t even thought of.
Our relationship has been endanger for quite a while now. The last time housing brought up was in August, during a very stressful time. Christmas is depressing and the regular stress has just increased. I’ve lost faith of higher power, since those same higher power have terrorized my area on a number of occasions the last few years.  I strongly believe in the devil.
If you are ignorant about ASD or autism, if you read the beginning, you may think I am a jerk, well what really bothers me is why are the real jerks not getting punished? Some of these self-absorbed morons  are my family! Such actions have occurred during this time of year. My existence to date, I’ve seen my family fall apart, and some believe that family is more important than friends, but I don’t like how small my family is now.
Another thing that very few people know about is my father, someone who I don’t even know! I’ve heard bits and pieces since I was 15. It was then I found out I was missing something else. My classmates in middle school were the inappropriate group that had brought this attention to me. And as time has gone on, I am feeling more and more that I should had a father, well what did my mother know when she had me at 16? Apparently my mother was under the impression her first love would be the one that lasted forever, and such young ignorance turned out to be quite different. My mother has said he was “verbally abusive” and explained details about that description.
I don’t know if I am better off without him or not. What I do know is my life is ending. There is no hope going forward. The amount of stupid people has made my future looking bleaker. I am planning going into 2013 (if I’m not lucky to die before then) to work, and be a fucking slave, and working my ass off (at least 20 hours a week) and get a paycheck and hopefully it won’t screw up my benefits because my services require a form of Medicaid for them to provide services and live on my own, since my mother has said we might have a better relationship not being closely together. Of course, the pursuit of romance will have to be crossed off depending on the housing, I can’t have her come over. Let alone how there are so many Valley Girls in my area, they are very narrow minded people, they only want a man with money and that can drive. I can’t drive because there so many self-absorbed Boston drivers on the local highways!
I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be posting this story at all. Given how my mother has admitted at failure of being a better mother, there really is no need for this blog huh? I’m hoping I can exit out with grace from all the alleged mistakes I and my old and current support team and my mother has made.
And they say that autism isn’t caused by lack of empathy from the mother, or a mothers parenting style? That’s a lie, they don’t want to offend the mother. Apparently my mother has made so many mistakes, that lead for me to explain this.
I do know one thing for sure, I don’t care about love anymore. I understand that love should be a dirty word. Its a bad word. Hate is the new love in my opinion. Love has no meaning anymore generically and to my own personal situation. If I don’t understand my own relationship with my mother, and if I can’t grasp that, then how in the hell can I have any relationships?
Hence my title.

Living up to High Standards

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Part of my “low self esteem” is partially because I am not up to par with my peers. I don’t want to be comparing myself to someone my own age, etc. but I am not. I have denied that for many years that I am not like my peers.
I’ve seen the alleged over-excessive content on Facebook, and even on the dating websites. I feel I can’t live up to them for them to accept me. This isn’t just a potential girlfriend, even a potential friend.
Here is my situation:

  • I come from a lower class family, that grew up in an upper class town
  • I have a high school diploma, and no experience with higher education
  • As I had traveled domestically in my teenage years (California, Texas, New York, D.C.) some of my likeminded groups have traveled the world. I have – actually seen the Mexico Border when I was in San Diego, and I have been near the Canadian border going on I-89 corridor when I was 6 or so.
  • I obviously didn’t come from a privileged family, many peers (at least in my geographical area) are
  • Given my autism, I am smart, but not in the same intellectual level as some of my peers, some would obviously think I am just odd in some of my interests
  • I live in an area where there are many people younger than I am and many people older than I am, so the middle twentysomething crowd is limited, because of the high COL or Cost of Living. Some of my peers would prefer to live in Nanny-towns like Boston, New York or even LaLa land or Florida, areas that also have the sex appeal of a highly stylized locale

So background aside, lets go to the smaller things

  • The art that I do  I suppose is decent, but probably not museum material (and I am fine with that)
  • Some may say its not fully dimensional. Maybe not proportionate enough, or I use plain ol pencils and not the snootty strength
  • Sure I may know some tech things, but don’t expect me to program C++ or code in Pearl, or do CSS to design webpages. Yup I am dumb on that regard. Sure I may know some telecom stuff, but not ask me how to do a diagram on how TDM works vs analog, vs IP vs. video or so on.
  • I don’t like going out and doing much things for fun. I’d rather be at home, doing work on my machines or watch the Fox News Channel or watch some boring documentary on TV. I don’t like distractions that much, because it detracts the attention of the pressing issues. My DNA is programmed to be vigilant (always alert, always on.)

I’ve also mentioned other concerns before such as:

  • Having odd interests for straight males like fashion or art (yeah I feel gay for doing art)
  • the ability to be around laid-back types of people, because I am somewhat of a tight person, because I just can’t stop and have fun in a depressing time and place.

Lastly, if I wanted to go to college, or get a decent job and to get the friends and future girlfriend, they all seek someone who needs to be responsible, compliant and needing credentials (whether or not its necessary – chicks and clueless bosses want that “piece of paper”) in order to be accepted in a privileged world.
Then I have to be worried about being accepted with the other’s social circle, since after all its not about them, its about his groups of buddies too. I can’t have any types of relationships with anyone if the others would not accept me and backstab behind me. Oh, did I mention the “man-child” stereotype, where men just want to use gaming consoles all day long or other “childish” behaviors that doesn’t constitute as “childlike” since the latter is a chronic issue while the former is plain ol immaturity?
The holiday season is coming fast this time around, and I am dealing with personal issues on top of having the worst year I have ever had; and I don’t have backup support system, since some of them went away in the summertime, and my mother needs to care for my grandmother, and my other family members I choose to abstain; leaving a handful of other people to take load of my day to day life.
I am lost because I have not had that partner in crime figure in a long time. I am in a desperate need to find one, and just someone who I don’t feel like I am a bothersome to.
With all of that – my conclusion is I can’t compete against people that area actually better than I am, because I am not privileged, not smart enough, not experienced enough, and I am a childish individual.
I feel so proud living life…
*

Siblings

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I’ve said before, I don’t have siblings (let alone a father) though I do have some cousins I am familiar with. Some of my cousins could have some characteristics of a sibling. I do often wonder what life would be liked if I had siblings. My mother had asked when I was 10 or so years old, and I said no. Part of it was just the fear of being around a baby, and just any additional fear. At that time I don’t think they had those “new sibling” courses they do today.
Though I wonder about them in a relationship sense as a sibling to sibling. I’ve heard stories about how they would be rivalries, they would compete, they would trash one and another, and the other things I see on the TV and watching the Kardashians series of programs.
Another thing I probe and question is are such relationships as a child change as an adult? I am not sure if many get along as adults, I wonder that. I understand (from my own experiences) that dysfunctional families can start at the adult age (and I hate to say I am one of those people too.)
Once I have more thoughts, I’ll post more on this subject