Realization

I’ve come to a realization that I have issues.
I was in denial for many years, most recently the last couple with pure anger and bitterness. 
Now in the recent months, I’ve come to a conclusion that I have autism.
My life is torn apart, my relationships with everyone has been destroyed.
I feel so fucking embarrassed about myself!
Something is defective in my brain! I never had an MRI before, so I don’t how messed up I am! I don’t know how real only I do know I have autism!
I don’t get love of any kinds, thats why this blog was created last summer! and I guess…I am a very litteral person even if I keep denying so. I can’t understand feelings like I used to.
People do say that autistic individuals have a hard time with relationships, and I don’t think I have much future unless I do something, something I don’t know how to approach and tackle!
In some ways I am like an android. A Data. I can’t deny the facts – I am messed up!
Oh how can someone love some autistic and not expect a full 100% love back?
So why should I have friends or a girlfriend, especially the latter? She’ll probably put me to jail as a criminal for being a psycho! Why would anyone fall in love a developmentally retarded individual?
I thought I give and give, and I get people “liking” my stories and never stalk my blog on the blog’s Facebook page. Well my “giving” should be looked at, because some people claim I receive more than I give. Again, I am fucked up in the brain!
I do know for a fact I am ASHAMED with my Autism and NOT PROUD AT ALL! I don’t belong in any place! I am a misfit!
My life ended at 12. My identity was stolen. I was replaced from a human to a robot!
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How can someone fall in love (ROMANTICALLY) with an autistic?

When they have meltdowns?
When they get upset easily?
When someone has sensory issues?
How can they handle their social quirks?
The busing of the brain that stops processing various the verbal cues, social cues, etc?
I don’t know.
I do know that not everyone with autism can fall in love and go into a lifelong relationship.
Love is a feature missing to some people who suffer of the brain disease known as the Autism Spectrum Disorder or ASD.

Love is like an Allergy

There is little cure to allergies.
Its like you are allergic to nuts. As much as you want to be like everyone else to enjoy eating nuts without worrying about dying, you can’t have it.
That is the same to love.
My allergic reaction is I cry and melt down to tears.
Love is a known allergy to me. I call it a “neurological allergy”  Given my autism, and my miswired brain, I have a hard time understanding it. And who the hell is out there (other than an autistic girl – which are extremely rare forms of humans in this subculture)  that would want to fall in love with me?
I can’t think of any. I hear crickets.
The leadership (aka the ones who scare these people to death) doesn’t help.
I’ve never been kissed nor do I really care at this point.
But going back to the allergy part, is you have to accept your differences and lower your expectations. Like I said, I’m essentially an android that has an native app in my BootROM that can have emotions while everyone else can be heartless, careless, hateful and not be fully tolerant.
Love is a sin
Love is blind  – and its indecent
Love should be private
Love is greedy
Love is for selfish people
Love takes away of all the other things you and other people used to love.
Love is just a 4 letter word that the Federal Communications Commission should prohibit on the public airwaves of radio, over the air TV and on pay cable networks.
Its a joke!
 

Catfish

Has anyone seen the TV series Catfish on MTV?
I channel surfed the other night can ran into that program
The show is like a documentary following people who met others online (i.e. a online relationship.) The host meets with the skeptical party member, and goes to search for the other individual, to see if the other end the person is a total fake. The host of the program will start off by looking the profile on the respective website whether its Facebook, MySpace, etc. and if there seems to be a fakeness on the profile, the producers start to look them up elsewheres.
This program meets with the crossroads of To Catch a Predator when they go to meet or ambush the person of interest. Some of these cases were the partner lied about their identity, their location, their looks, in some cases they were cheating with another person.
The last episode I seen had a guy meeting a girl online. This girl, named Melissa who appeared online, billed herself as a pretty blond “Barbie Girl” (in her words) with blond hair and blue eyes, as the skeptical partner found out she was a curvy, brunette with brown eyes and all the other attributes turned out to be opposite. Near the end of the program, the two try to come to terms.
In other episodes, its a teardripper because of the sudden reality that their online relationship was a fluke.
Has anyone else watched this program? I’m going to watch some of these OnDemand, if its on there. Its an interesting program.

Thank God for Facebook

I really mean that in the title.
I can’t imagine what life was like if you suffered with social retardation and a world before social networking websites, or even the Web, or even those “online services” before those became ISPs ala AOL anyone?
I remember the simpler days in 1992 me being 5 years old living in my own little world. In 1992, Cable TV was at the height of their success, computers were still not in many homes, and the telephone was the primary medium to connect to people in long distances, and since AT&T was forced to break up, it was much easier to make long distance calls.
Again, I can’t imagine being socially retarded and being in his early twenties then. I would think there was more hopes back in 1992 than 2012 because there wasn’t sites like Facebook where you could easily look someone up to find many of the girls/guys one would like then to find your heart broken.
This post was something in the making, it was only a matter of time, and a person of interest to use as an example. This post will describe how using sites like Facebook to find some random person you had the hots for turns out to not be single. I’ve used this as a resource on a number of occasions.
In an earlier story back about a couple weeks ago, I went to a local FedEx/Kinkos/Whatever the name is of the day, and liked the gal that was helping me to do a large document project, that I felt was better done if I outsourced the project to them.
Well as you see in the full screen below, you’ll see the red circle of what I found out.  This is an example of how Social Networking destroys one’s hopes that there is a special someone out there. And of course, shes about 5 years older than I am (from when she finished high school – I redacted all the identifiable info) and it just shows that there are less and less single people near my age bracket. (unless I go younger, which I do not support such thing.)
a screengrab from a Facebook account of a girl that I had liked, and wrote about over a couple weeks ago
Social media just ruins the experience of a “crush” the only ability of a romantic feeling I have.

OKCUPID’s Confirmation of No Hopes for Romance

I have an OKCUPID account since I can’t afford the price gouging entity of Barry Dillers’ MATCH-dot-com, and to be honest, I wished I had lived in the days before the Internet.
OKCupid, unlike other dating websites is whored into using algorithms to find your future date. You have to answer a shitload of questions to get an answer, but even that is tainted if the other person has answered more questions than you have.
I have answered about a hundred of questions, but many still show no hope. The tabs benath ones profile shows their summary, the pictures, and a context sensitive menu of the questions you answered, and if you have a match “The Two of Us” shows and if its likely a fail it then says “Ya’ll Got Issues”, then the Personality chart, and if you did surveys, then the Tests.
So going back to that context sensitive Answers link, I have many of the “Ya’ll Got Issues” and having a 60% match on some of these answers. What really killed me was that some of them were more right of center politically. I thought the crazy chicks voted liberal or believed in liberal views? Then some of the other questions ether were in the middle or was opposite.
I’ll post more screengrabs of these profiles (of course it will be redacted if user names or other personal information appears in these references!) at a later time to confirm my growing skepticism of any hopes of future romances.