The phrase “hitting the wall” refers to women hitting 30 or 35 without a man or any type of relationship because of apparent prejudices of men (whether it’s realistic or imagined, say inflated from abuse) and their abilities to reproduce (if they want to) becomes harder. The phrase actually is part of a long vulgar glossary of the movement known as Men Going Their Own Way or better known as MGTOW, of which got legitimized over the last five years as this was once a fringe and cringe group.

For me, I felt I “hit the wall”, many, many years ago. As early as 21 or even 18, once I realized that it was probably at that time in the mid 00s I had no more purpose in life. My life really passed by at that point, and the “flashes” was more of a reminder that of that infamous message on old 8-bit games of “Game Over”. By the way this is not influenced by any means by that hack in Toronto known as Jordan Peterson (once nicknamed Jordi on The Weekly Zoo.)

In the last decade, I wanted to be proven wrong, having the status “Hopeless Autistic” doesn’t just make people look at you weirdly, but it’s a motivator that there is some potential your life is not a complete waste. But in those 10 years that had followed, including a prolonged pandemic, and if anything there has been claims that being infected with COVID19 adds more age with or without the vaccine. At the last check there’s claims it adds 5 years to your age.

But as I am now 35, as I see the remaining light flare passed me by… I realized that now there’s really little hope. Was this my fault or could I take better responsibility? Yes I could’ve and tried to take responsibly in full; whether or not taking responsibility sooner to avoid hitting that wall cannot be determined.

I tried to do everything and anything in my power to get out of hell of bondage of extreme alpha-mom figures creeping into my life because they have no one else to care for. Unlike the women who have “hit the wall”, they also have done-it too, another vulgar name calling is the “riding the [male genital] caesural” I can’t remember the last time I had such physical encounters via touching an non female family member. I spent the last ten years trying to do anything and everything to break the barriers. It seems like other groups have been able to do so, hell people with more visible disabilities have it easier, despite the 4 years of regress from POTUS Trump in the last 10 than what I had to go through.

Autism is now 1 in 44 cases, and yet there still hasn’t been much attention to the people over the age of 35 because apparently my group’s autism is not as great as the GenX/vaccine injured children who are in their 20s where all the attention is at.

Autism was and never will be my primary identity; but it did become that by others because of their reckless actions, the ableist tendencies, even from within. Factor that autism is more common with males and the underlying sexism that typical males are often subjected to. With all this comes into play, it’s not that I am some Buzz Lightyear figure who’s an alpha male and pisses his lifespan trying to “fix” something (can you say that’s “hitting the wall”?) All I wanted since I close to 13, to repair the things that were intentionally broken (the subtle sexism, the label placement, and the complete writeoffs because the DSM-says-so.)

The only thing I suggest for people younger than me is to learn to be a better fighter than I was. I was too harshly aggressive to be a self-advocate. And this is why I am very critical of many of the activists because if they aren’t properly messaging their ideals properly; then everyone hurts and I have to hate you all because you have given my group a bad name. Yes I am talking to you ASAN aholes!

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