This year, I rebooted the Hopeless, Outspoken, Alleged “Autistic”, No community was built. Perhaps I had been slandered as an “ableist” in 2015 that never went away. For whatever reason, in 2011 to 2012 I had something going. I still have screengrabs of the Google search referrers.
I apparently hate women. I guess I wonder why I get so bitchy and impatient and critique them so much… must be me right?
That annual paperwork, contract, it may depend on locale, but in New Hampshire for 21+ folks, it’s called a Service Agreement (since autism isn’t just for lost-little-boys; this is not an IEP portal.)
My case management is better than what I had a few years ago. It’s not to say I need to be careful.
In the last couple of years, I see my mother becoming easily more fragile; more erritable such as her phone’s SXM app not working for less than one minute as we go from WLAN to WWAN networks in the driveway. Or even politics. I see my mother go a direction I don’t think is healthy. On the ride home from grocery shopping, on a dark and stormy night I kidded about how the town I live in is too cheap, and it’s too expensive to repaint the streets. I told her I saw the bill for the town’s property tax and how much the school district is over the town.
That lead to some inferences of what you see on the Fox News Channel like the out of control school board meetings. My mother got defensive rather quickly, and I spoke calmly, just picking a scab. Well much like how your mother catches you for picking a scab, well I was getting caught for not having a Caucasian-grievance attitude like what you have seen in say Loudon Country, Va.
In less than five minutes my mother who had kidded to me when we got home she has put up with me for 3 1/2 decades, she doesn’t see any hypocrisy or any hack arounds to advocate for students. I brought up PTA meetings, but my mother had identified herself as “working parent”; but she used to work from Wednesdays to Sundays so she could be at home with me, at the price of not having weekends together. So she could’ve gone to PTA or been with the SPED family group. I think reality the PTA types tend to have “elite” types of people so that maybe the codeword.
This is direct-democracy at work, just whine and bitch to school board meetings and not follow proper procedures that are bounded by law. Our society is becoming a dragway in the most literal sense, no one wants to follow speed limits and people insist that say an interstate is theres and limited access highway should be a freeway, and as a result we have people literally getting arrested for going over 100mph more and more now.
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It was a year and five months ago yesterday, Melanie left my part of the world in the most tragic way causing a media circus in the minifig world because of her legacy of her great grand family settling in the southern brick england.
Melanie dumped me almost 3 years ago. This is why her suicide feels so long, because it was just over 1 year and 5 months when she dumped me (Feb 14th, 2020 in an email.)
Melanie’s loss feels more like 4 years of grief.
Melanie is no longer in me. I can’t let her go but her voice is not inside me, I cannot hear her, and I don’t know how to grieve a loss of a soul I chose to not burry for the optics of family.
I miss Melanie dearly. Every. Freckin. Day
Happy December 1st!
There’s less than 31 days left of this hangover of a really crappy start to the new decade thanks to the pandemic!
This year has been the curse I thought would’ve happened in 2021 (the year that had “21” or “12”… being superstitious for a moment, I was born less than an hour before Friday March 13th, 25 years ago, so I felt the unluckiness as early as 12, later as a 21 year old, in 2012 was a really lousy year and 2021 was quiet, but 2022 was that “hangover” that I started with.
This year, I characterized it as “deflated”. I’d wake up with expectations (reasonable, not too lofty) to then expect the unexpected. You want to be stoked, you want to be happy, but someone else in your life (of which I will not identify) decides to go with their “feelings” and then conveniently reschedules or pulls an unexpected to you. Then you feel like what-the-fuck?
And this is a major source of my depression. The acceptance to not expecting anything as promised, or close to committed.
“You have to learn to be flexible” – Steven’s former high school case manager
It wasn’t just in high school either.. it goes back in time…
“Zigger-Zaggers” – “Doctor” Teresa Bolick referring to unexpected situations as if an adult autistic later in life needs everything to be perfectly the same every freckin day
But in reality Zigger-Zaggers was a Seacoast Learning Collaborative thing… supposedly said phrase really in the psych-o-logy world was
“Zigger-Zaggle”
Allegedly.
Then the most infamous line that had been literally drilled to me like I am some militant type was Mrs. Lemiux, the infamous hack at South School…
“Go with the flow”
These flashpoints of trauma from being programmed as a perpetual child to later in early adulthood to be gaslit for choosing to be immature (are you fucking kidding me?) would just haunt me, and it could never end. There were mornings in 2022 not waking up to have some reasonable expectation that some appointed event would go as planned, whether it had to do with me directly or not. The iOS push screens of appointments changed and canceled had about a 3 to 1 ratio receiving the changes from the mother, not by me, and the latter ratio of cancelations and changes were out of my control. I typically do not cancel any appointments unless I am not feeling well in this COVID19 situation; or something that has importance that are justifiable, meaning I have to provide a constructive justification for the means, not because my male menstrual period said so.
I am so depressed, from the ups and downs, the spikes, like an EKG read. Life has ups and downs; it should be peaks and valleys, for most people, that should be treatable and acceptable types of emotions, but violent up and down spikes from other people’s near-typical neurological state is not tolerable, because if it’s frowned upon an autistic, then it shouldn’t be OK for anyone else.
Two people told me this calendar year they would be walking on broken egg shells; ironically that phrase is such a cliche even in the narc world, because if you stepped on an eggshell the chances of getting infected with an eggshell is much less than broken glass, so can we just call it for what it is?
My depression has worsened since the start of the year, living in the expect the unexpected in the most literal way. In reality, it’s killing me inside. No one sees it.
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ADHD people drive me nuts. Is that ableist? WHAT ABOUT BEING A FORGOTTEN AUTISTIC? That not ableist?
I will be making tons of jokes against unsaid community because it’s protected speech in the United States. If you’re offended, go fuck yourself!
Scott Galloway has been a reoccurring character in the Men Scare Me theme. Just over a month ago, the podcast with fucking Liz Plank (since I should be fair since I call Jordi – Fucking Jordan Peterson) said some of the worst damning stuff that I didn’t expect from a leftist that also didn’t care for the woke culture. You know why?
Because I remember the moment of where I was on the night of my 34th birthday – Friday, March 12th, 2021 where he appeared on a live episode of Real Time with Bill Maher while I was rebuilding a Lego Police station from like 1996 or something. I basically stared at my iPad when I heard his critique of “woke” people – on that very same episode. He has also appeared on freckin Megyn Kelly’s SXM show/podcast, and then he went to these woksters at The Man Enough Podcast. Of course Liz Freckin Plank couldn’t help herself to conflate blowing up massage parlors to incels (wait is that how the Feds caught Bob Kraft back 4 years ago they had to engineer a “b0mb” to get into the parlor at the strip mall in Jupiter, Florida?) Elizabeth needs a fucking editor!
After listening to barely 10 minutes; I was screamin mad and demanded that BCOP-TV start to do the Crisis in Masculinity after this point since I just started to be part of Special Projects at the station, then not only that I spooked that very same Boston newsie yet again. I didn’t even want to look at the Twitter stats of how many others I spooked out yet again.
I don’t even follow Man Enough anymore. And Liz hates men in recent Twitter rhetoric. And Galloway is a fucking attention whore.
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Jordan Peterson recently had a discussion on narcissism with Generation Z (also known as iGen), sometimes referred to the Millennial Generation as well. The episode interviews an expert on this generation and the narcissistic outcomes that social media brought…
In early 2020, I started to develop the skills naturally to combat against a state full of narcissistic types, that is New Hampshire. The people who are typical and Caucasian really do feel like they can “Live Free or Die” and if you’re atypical then it’s literally Live Free or End your Own Life (just don’t post this on Facebook because they can put you in Facebook-jail for implying self-harm – to you!)