Hopeless Hangover

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What great start to a long month to date. The local indie station in the market reshares photos sent to the station using a well-known hashtag. Finally I had. been seen. But before that I was struggling to be seen by the local media. I had been in a contact with a now former Boston media news personality and that individual was ghosting-me in the sense that the individual would be quick to respond if it was in that individual’s interest but was unable to pay it forward to help me. That litmus test was following an essay published in Boston Magazine for the February issue (now you can figure out who I am referring to and if you know that individual, the oldest offspring is autistic.)

I was also laid off from BCOP-TV as part of a 20 minifigure after bombing the February Sweeps with low rated stories, including Tuned Out. So feeling just seen, and barely heard, and unsure how the Minifig Newsguy can work out in the long term, I started to inform my followers that I am taking some from of a long term leave of absense from my platforms (with occasional posts.

In the midst of this, I took a spur of the moment plan to go to Portsmouth, NH for a 4-day weekend. That turned out to become a 5-night weekend because my scheduling gyped me a week because the February short month discount. It all worked out, my mother worked on site for 1/2 the day on the 1st and took me to Portsmouth, just over 24 hours the day before she booked the room and for the first time ever in my life was I prepared within a day to be out of the home for more than several days.

The very long weekend was not a complete waste, but it would progress into one social mishap to another… by Friday evening, after being at a local bar of a pizza joint I have frequented since the days of SLC, the bartender (ironically named “Stephanie”… given female name for a princess and a potential stiff bitch) I lost it. While I heard cursing and yelling outside on the sidewalks, I started to record a “voice note” despite it was recorded on a Canon Vixia prosumer ENG camera… and then lost it…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF3V0wNSy0o

“I feel so lonely, that not one soul would understand the pain I am going through”

And hell yeah, no one did kinda check in on me.

What really this was was the detoxing of 3 1/2 decades of feeling like a dust mite, really just soulless human being, where my life has flashed by and it apparently is all my fault. The way the American public opinion is heading by the hard-right, authoritative theocrats is not only hold-yourself-by-the-bootstraps, but take your own problems in your own hands and fix your own problems without telling the world.

I have, and it hasn’t and that’s why I posted this.

Well you shouldn’t be doing that, that’s for sissy gay little boys, you aren’t working hard enouugh.

Well I have

WORK HARDER!

And this the rhetoric I am dealing with indirectly.

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Love, Hunger or Lust or All of the Above

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No memory of the original posting likely late 2011/mid 2012, metadata got corrupt most likely – it predated A Puzzling View on Relationships.

Note: This post may contain some explicit references. Reader Discretion is Advised.
As someone who has experienced zero romantic relationships, and just a billion crushes, it is extremely difficult for being single, not able to date people or be sexually active. Not that being sexually active is right to begin with. However, there are times my hormones go through the roof (and of course, being someone with an autistic disorder, I have to control myself or become a Level 3 Sex Offender.) Part of it is  because I haven’t felt the physical form of love. I used to hug people in the recent past, but since my social circle has shrunk it hasn’t happened. I’ve only kissed a few girls outside of the lips, and I never had any forms of sexual encounters or anywhere near that. Nor was I ever sexually abused, it may be best that I  add that in there.
I see “normal”/”nerotypical” or “typical” or someone that doesn’t have a disability can get away with social norms, but for someone like this writer, its frowned upon.  You see this same thing on Facebook, a sexually attractive lady getting attention on a comment of her default image of what would could be considered as sexist statements. I should say reversed sexist comments. If I made a similar comment, I would be a Level Three Sex Offender, but a “nerotypical” (“normal”) person would get away of it. Why is that?
I really wished I could hit on a girl successfully. I don’t. Often I just failover to just be quiet. I often don’t know how to flirt. Lately, I have an influx of testosterone so I often want to flirt in a sexual nature. Often I am just too chicken to really go that far. The other day, I went to a store and the cashier was a pretty sexually attractive lady with cleavage showing with a cute pushup bra and camisole with her bust very aligned. I just got silent, my voice just got too scratchy or way too soft and it goes that way when my sex hormones goes out of wack. That girl or lady had a sexy figure, borderline “slender” about 5 foot 6, and well she was blond (and typically I don’t dig for blonds) but she was pretty hot regardless.
While I get sometimes horny and just sexually crazy, I have to say I never had any sexual encounter. Whether you like it or not, or agree or disagree with the morals of ether underage sex, unwedded births or non marriage sex; people do “do it” and some don’t “do it”. And many people my age have done it, and these are privileged people with college degrees with a higher social class and are probably conservative types, but yet they aren’t religious. Kinda illogical huh?  Well I am poor, disabled with a disability about 70% of the people of my age bracket don’t care for, or would never want to fuck with or even want to be friends (again referring to the “normal” population.)
I do subscribe to the notion that girls go past their prime at 25 or their mid twenties, and well I hate to sound like a “cold hearted conservative”, but girls do look hot in their early twenties, and their sexual drive is at their peak, and they seem to be hot to get laid, and I again don’t want to offend anyone, but with that being said – I missed out on that. Its every guys (or girls) dream when they are in the junior year or in their college years to loose their virginity and litter the roads with condoms, and stuff like that.
I don’t want to say that I think lust is an appropriate thing to feel, but jeez in my long 25 years of not ether understanding interpersonal relationships or being accepted in society, its really progressing to be an aggravating sensation. I feel like I am one of the few people that unfairly has been missing out on what could be an awesome thing (or not even that ether!)
I don’t know what “love” is outside a family perspective.
Is “love” invisible like you know software or is it physical like hardware?
Is love touchable?
Is love just about feelings?
Is love about common likes?
Is there a such thing as “opposites attract”?
What is it? What is it?

The DHHS Files…

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(Since The Facebook Files and The Twitter Files is-a-thing.)

Concurrent to The Hopeless Autistic, I’ve retained  emails to my support people as well as the state level. At the time I had connections to the head of DHHS at the time who left because he was term-limited. As I reflect in the moment of 2016… the Commissioner at the time thought like me where there should be direct relations; but the people below him did not see it that way, if anything they doubled down on the supervisory nature of the patriarchal-bureaucracy. I should say Federalization, meaning any three letter Federal agency cares about if a subject has been rubber-stamped, without any nuance.

Another part of this was the autistic brain and the confusion of roles. If you remember grade school and being lectured about “roles” and “expectations” from higher authorities, well imagine this hell for four years while I was part of the planning committee for the Family Support Conference. The people worked for this part of DHHS happened to have family members with a disability, but it was unclear who was the authority, or a fellow family-support type? By no means was I intended to be any whistle-blower, or attempt to trivialize the FSC, but I suspected that the state trivialized it from within! The conflict of interest was very apparent, and conflicts of interest is based on perception. Of course I would never speak on this publicly until that perception was apparent. In 2020;  an area agency runs it and lot of it was cut back, and now it’s run by mostly apparent mama bear types; and no external representation that the conference was known for. It had been canceled because of the pandemic

The female patriarchy of the system is stuck in a 1987 mindset of old mamabears knowing what’s best for the hierarchal disabled child. In 2022,  I had expressed what this mindset could do to a non verbal type.

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2023 – Pissed Off!

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I start the new year, just feeling pissed that the developmentally delayed population has officially been politicized against my group not necessary republicans vs. democrats, but old ladies that want their kids to remain kids. I am drafting the reposting of 2012 era An Alleged Autistic scribes and the things i had thought then, I couldn’t imagine would happen today.

Me and my group are institutionalized, but it’s covered up in community environments without a brick and mortar facility. I’ve talked about the day program problems, and recovering from the abuse from narcissists in the environment in 2019, 2015-16, and the school district environments, but it didn’t take till the pandemic to realize this was a reoccurring trend and how really bad the recovery is probably going to go away by 2027. and we lost a few years… sorry to say.

But my hatred in life is real, raw and worse than anything I had previously written about. Because it impacts me, and I feel personally worthless that it only took less than 5 years to destroy a system that worked, to something the experts thought would be better, and now I am facing enemies that of course they’ll point the finger at your’s truly and those people will never take any responsibility for their inactions in a state that tells you to pull yourself by the bootstraps.

Since The Twitter Files and The Facebook Files is a-thing, a project for Spring 2023, is The Bureau of Developmental Services Files. I will share redacted emails of paper trails I left on my end in a very complex relations with the highest power of adult services while they had comingled with the annual family conference. While speaking as someone with a disability to these people who coincidentally knew my case; the boundaries were so blurry, that even I was gaslit by these people who still work for the agency. Since those emails are on archived servers, it will take time for me to recover and then share them, but in short when crap hit the fan in the spring of 2016 with me, there was a lot of things they were looking at to the point where people asked why was the concerns against me not addressed?

Happy 2023 – So Pissed Off

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I start the new year, just feeling pissed that the developmentally delayed population has officially been politicized against my group not necessary republicans vs. democrats, but old ladies that want their kids to remain kids. I am drafting the reposting of 2012 era An Alleged Autistic scribes and the things i had thought then, I couldn’t imagine would happen today.

Me and my group are institutionalized, but it’s covered up in community environments without a brick and mortar facility. I’ve talked about the day program problems, and recovering from the abuse from narcissists in the environment in 2019, 2015-16, and the school district environments, but it didn’t take till the pandemic to realize this was a reoccurring trend and how really bad the recovery is probably going to go away by 2027. and we lost a few years… sorry to say.

But my hatred in life is real, raw and worse than anything I had previously written about. Because it impacts me, and I feel personally worthless that it only took less than 5 years to destroy a system that worked, to something the experts thought would be better, and now I am facing enemies that of course they’ll point the finger at your’s truly and those people will never take any responsibility for their inactions in a state that tells you to pull yourself by the bootstraps.

Since The Twitter Files and The Facebook Files is a-thing, a project for Spring 2023, is The Bureau of Developmental Services Files. I will share redacted emails of paper trails I left on my end in a very complex relations with the highest power of adult services while they had comingled with the annual family conference. While speaking as someone with a disability to these people who coincidentally knew my case; the boundaries were so blurry, that even I was gaslit by these people who still work for the agency. Since those emails are on archived servers, it will take time for me to recover and then share them, but in short when crap hit the fan in the spring of 2016 with me, there was a lot of things they were looking at to the point where people asked why was the concerns against me not addressed?

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Hide Under a Baseplate?

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A baseplate is typically a bottom foundation piece for a Lego structure.

I want to hide underneath that foundation at this point.

In the last few years, social conservatism has doubled year over year. For instance, in 2021, I started to see more online content on masculinity, in 2022, the toxic types like Kevin Samuels and Andrew Tate came out of the woodwork. By the end of the year, /r/tradfem blew up from the bottom, really strange people like JustPearlyThings has had a large following and “RealFemSapin” has gotten alot of hard right social conservatives to come out of the bunker to dismiss a vast majority of people they don’t tolerate.

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Men Scare Me…Part Eight

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2022 was a cringy year for masculinity. In less than a year, a man I never heard of, was detained and arrested at the end of the year for child trafficking.

This man is Andrew Tate and his brother Tristian.

For those who are not familiar of these two, they are Pickup Artists, bragging about all their alleged wealth through apparent multi level marketing pyramid schemes to turn men more masculine and pick up girls. Their masculinity is very traditional… err toxic and they seek out men to be as macho as possible while getting the most softest, feminine, submissive girl in their lives. Whether or not they lean into Long Term Relationships is outside of his scope.

At the end of the year, after a Twitter feud with Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate, Thunberg believe it or not is autistic (I never knew it formally till a week ago) and Tate, the allegedly typical guy didn’t get the sarcasm from the female autistic making a phony email address on climate change accusing him of “low dick energy”. It was fucking hilarious and after a video reply of Tate denying climate change, bragging about his wheels, a pizza box was delivered to him as the cameras rolled (of which Tate explicitly said to not recycle), the print of the pizza joint confirmed that Tate and his brother was in Romania and the police allegedly took him to custody for alleged sex trafficking.

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