What the HELL is wrong with my Mother?

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Thursday was wild. My mother went into a very mind numbing breakdown. On Friday she owned-up and recovered and we opened up. And she also even admitted selling the house because she sees my grandmother in the house still. By yesterday, my mother looked at the Lock Screen of me holding my grandmother in the hour or two following her passing.

She as a bit erratic last night. Today, as well-anticipated Super Bowl is near, my mother is binge watching CSI (ironically that takes place in Las Vegas).) Just before 1:00 was there anything on the on screen guide of any NFL Films documentaries of the two teams like would air when I would watch the Bowl for the Patriots. But when i tuned to CBS, I found a documentary on the history of their long time pre-game show The NFL Today. Well produced, I came right down at 1:05 to check and she had no interest when I came down the stairs in excitement, she thought it some real breaking news.

Because my mother’s lack of self regulation, we were supposed to play a board game and sure I could’ve checked in to be clear (and not assume, which is very signature of co-dependent relationships), but she looked like she wasn’t interested in that either.

I would excuse my mother, but if I was to quantify these episodes in the last 20 years, I’d go into the low four figures. To say I cannot be annoyed or inconvenienced at my age in my life would make the older people in my life a bit childish on their part. yes, my grandmother fucking died, and she was only in hospice for less than 72 hours. Sure the American healthcare system sucks, but does that mean that I am supposed to be subjected to already alleged-borderline personalities and the menopause factor?

It’s been only 20 or so weeks following the unfortunate, the sudden but slowed death of my loved one impacted me but you never hear me make it a justification of emotional unavailability. My mother isn’t home emotionally and the living room is also her bedroom for the forcesable future. A room where you can’t put your emotions at the door because that’s also where you sleep.

For those who are keeping tabs, she hasn’t seek out help. Relying on books and Meta fan pages to rationalize her grief, parasocial connections is helping her carry on as I still feel lonely going through this myself.

#.

“Community Based Supports” and a Millennial autistic abandoned by said “Community”

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I’ve beaten up the lies and bullshit of Community Based Supports for the longest time for people who age out of SPED and land into the adult services world and how SPED is more stereotypically a welfare state than services with the “Medicaid” name.

What the hell is a “community”? How much should “family” be as a support system? Is the “community” inclusive or exclusive and private and isolated? The hell does it really mean practically?

The Blue App kills communities!

The inability to network IRL, to get a job, to meet new people was put on a heavy burden, but then I realized while I was being gaslit, defamed and often slandered in “confidential” documents, by hack rich white folks, like that fucking DINO, I realized the hard way, it was the “community” that failed. Continue reading →

Chickens are coming Home to Roost (“My Mom”)

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My mother had used the phrase “my mother” or “my mom” or sometimes where I would inadvertently chime in from the dining room she would say “I’m talking to my mother”. I had also unintentionally would trigger her by saying the way she says “my” sounded “possessive”… well… I have something to say about this…

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The Purple Pill Podcast

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From the producers of The Weekly Zoo, we give you The Purple Pill

For the time of The Zoo in 2021, I had discovered some really strange content from “men’s improvement” YouTubers to some of the most strangest shit from Jordan Peterson.

When The Zoo left in 2022 for about a year, little would I know about Kevin Samuels, Andrew Tate, the Fresh & Fit Podcast, from Just Pearly Things to the Whatever Podcast, from lefties like The Man Enough Podcast, to commentators like Matt Walsh, to Tim Pool, etc., etc.

The biggest challenge is how gender, sex and relationships has been severely politicized. Whole blogs like A Puzzling View was rather tame, that was 10 years ago, Now it’s so pinned against each other – and I suspect the society will never recover

The test date will be sometime in February. We should do a weekly piece up until June when we are scheduled to run out of talking points. That’s hard to believe huh?

Some of my talking points…

  • What can we do to help men?
  • Why are girls do better in school and college?
  • What part is “toxic” in “toxic masculinity” leaving out (hint it’s like in narcissism toxic)
  • Why do men think so like an animal?
  • Why do we get so keyed up on Andrew Tate?
  • Exposing various elements of the manosphere, passport bros, no fap, twisted court systems, etc.

Like The Weekly Zoo, the purple pill will have have wacky elements and segments to keep the nearly 50 to 120 minute (at max) episodes flowing.

But before you go, I did a series on this subject just over a year ago for the minifig news operation. This didn’t go well, the 7 part piece was canceled 1/2 way and was fired after the ratings bombed at the station, and I was the fall guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfsXW-vAP1U

Grieving On My Own (Because the Old Lady Wants to be Hyper Individualistic)

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I actually texted to our social worker from the hospice care shortly after Christmas trying to reach out to her to meet with the Bereavement coordinator to get the ball rolling between me and them. They provide support for one year following the death, and as i previously stated, my grandmother had less than 5 days of care on their watch.

So now we’re down to less than 8 months. Shortly after the text message, and before New Years, we received a holiday card from them, specifically with a handwritten login credentials to their portal on the very bottom. If I remember correctly, there was also a letter sent with them offering us to log in. Sadly, I’ll probably have to ask my mother for it if she hadn’t already hoarded it and piled it into a pile of papers of which I am not allowed to see.

According to my mother, she doesn’t ask help for much and she’l tough it out and look like a narcissist with someone looking empty but projecting phony substance. 

I don’t want to say much about my family at this point, but I do suspect my grandmother’s pride was abit cocky. DIY is not always the best approach.

This week, my task is to find that login information. If I have to ask my mother, so be it! I have given my mother so many miles of her maladaptive behavior and yeah she lost her mother, well I lost my grammie too! But it doesn’t excuse the matters of borderline-dysregulatia in the most toxic and emotional sense.

Leave the ship…because the family is refusing to course-correct

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I am sorry that my grandmother died, but after yet another subdue Christmas, and instead of celebrating what my grandmother wanted, the old woman preferred to be sad. Both of us have gotten really sick (wether it’s COVID or not it’s unclear) so that level of static uncertainty, of a borderline personality life is more complex than the people I’m dealing with.

To prevent holiday anxiety, my mother has taken the Twelve Days Of Christmas, (meaning when you look at the letter of the word, of, means following December 25th.) Great idea, but can we at least have one year of a Christmas, and even make it somewhat positive of what my grandmother would want? Normalcy is the part to recovery. Granted, I am told repeatedly people grieve in their own ways, and yes, my mother will probably be randomly triggered for the most random reasons, because she lived her live randomly to date. And if I get reflection of her on that, that would be a nice step forward in each other’s lives!

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