Tag Archives: 2016 Year of the Hopeless Autistic

Letter to the Boston Bruins Organization

Posted on by

I’ve written a letter and send it via parcel letter to my favorite hockey team, the Boston Bruins. The original letter is attached (with the actual text of the letter shown in alternate text.)

Header is the Clickford & Company letterhead and the company's logo feature on the bottom. Text: Boston Professional Hockey Association, Inc. D/b/a: the Boston Bruins 100 Legends Way, Boston, Massachusetts 02114 To Whom It May Concern: My name is Steven and I’m a resident of New Hampshire and wanting to reach out to my favorite hockey team, the Boston Bruins. I’ve been a fan of the team for more than a decade. I admire professional hockey, the strength and the job they do. I say this because I was never really an athletic person, something I don’t have first hand knowledge and I had no interest in sports till I was in my late teens. In my current situation I am a weak individual. I’m in a point of my life where I consider myself a “hopeless autistic.” I was born with an autistic disorder, and was non verbal in my younger years, had great years in elementary school not so much in middle and high school. I’ve had a family that has fallen apart over my early lifespan, I’ve lost a lot of friends being diverted to various school programs as a teenager and I was in a system where I did not have a luxury to have as much services and support unlike others much younger than I am. I finished school on my 21st birthday nearly 8 years ago suddenly loosing services, then had to wait nearly over a year and a half to receive adult services. Despite having a stronger support system, I’m still “limping” around in life. In southern New Hampshire, there is hardly any services for any adults on the autism spectrum disorder. Almost entirely the services are intended for children. Some individuals are suffering a multitude of difficulties and often the professionals, the experts and services are often too late to address the first generation who basically had nothing and the younger generation has everything. I’m almost turning a year before I hit thirty. I’ve gone nowhere in my twenties because the special needs support system is still broken to a certain extent. I try everything to contribute to society only to be trapped in a four wall glass enclosed telephone booth, possibly made out of granite material. I can’t seem to break the barrier. I’ve had such a rough year in 2015, that I’ve declared myself a “hopeless autistic” because I don’t see much hope.

I’ve admired the Bruins and especially in the 2011 Stanley Cup Championship season, I was lucky to photograph, the training session the previous summer, the preseason game of that year and the parade where Captain Zdeno Chara held the Cup – where I sensory overload of crowds, noise and hot/humid climates was put to the test that day the Cup came to Boston. I also wore on Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Championship one of my first shirts that I got of the Boston Bruins about 5 years before, I felt that was a lucky shirt and I have not worn it since the Bruins won Game 7. I’d love it to be autographed by the team. In anyway, I’m in a very difficult situation in my life. No other disease or disorder is so political or so divisive even stating I’m “hopeless” may offend my population or other parties. I’ve not been honest with what I want or need, and I feel it will kill me - literally if I keep things inside me, which is one of the reasons why I am reaching out to your organization. Thank you, Steven Ayotte Merrimack, NH February 2016 Cc: my website, https://hopelessautistic.wordpress.com And related social media platforms

Small Talk Fails

Posted on by
Reply

I typically go to Starbucks on my way to my program for a light lunch (albeit not the most healthiest option, but what the hell.) I go here over the local Dunkin which has a bad track record of ultra fast paced, spiffy, screw up the order, and if you’re neurological allergic to caffeinated coffee, that’s not their problem!

I’m not very good in small talk, not because it’s annoying; not because it’s socially complicated; its what can I say when I am a nobody?

I’m not even self employed! I’m not in any relationship! I don’t have that much family or friends! And is there an unwritten rule to not talk about day programs outside the property? I never felt comfortable talking about that.

Last week a lady that knows me by name asked what my plans were for the rest of the day. I pulled a Bill Belechick and gave a no answer to a question. Because what should I say, you know? I still do not feel 100% safe being in a community and I hate being such an oxymoron…but I love the idea of the small talk, but when it happens, I blow it!

A+ for trying? Maybe not.

*

2016: The Year of Lessons

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve learned a lot in 2015. And now hello 2016, and let me tell you what I’ve learned from last year to not repeat again this year.

  • Only speak for yourself. Do NOT advocate  for others unless you know the full situation (take that ASAN!)
  • If law enforcement ever approaches you, don’t challenge them under email protected by public records laws, or be subjected to a false police report where police and town personnel will abuse you and get away with it!
  • Never use foils, slide shows or PowerPoints. Management could care less.
  • Management could care less about your past. Try to get counseling instead.
  • But wait! What do you do if there is no mental health assistance? You just have to wing it!
  • Don’t ever look up to anybody. Male or female at all! God that Anna Nalick that I saw in Ltown who was on my playlist 10 years ago looks like an Opoid user. (I won’t go further bashing a C-list celeb in 2016.) Being inspired by tech star Luria Petrucci, screw her. I bet she has skeletons in her closet too. (I mentioned Luria in one of the first posts after watching an alleged motivational  subject hosted by the said woman.)
  • Happiness never exists for borderline autistics like I am.
  • The only reason why I’m stuck is not that I’m scared, I was taught to be scared.
  • Despite all the “support” you get that they are looking out for you; it’s all smoke in the mirrors.
  • Also if you’re known to break rules, maybe win the Powerball so you can hire a lawyer for the rest of your life.
  • One last thing: I’ll be giving my mother legal custody of all pictures and school work as a child. (oh yeah and artwork too.) I do not want to own documents, pictures of happiness from prior to year 2010. I want to purge all the memories, virtually from childhood to young adult. My life was altered at 12. I want to be clear anything from South School should be purged forever! I ran into a 5th grade teacher in Manchester last year, but I really didn’t know who the hell she was until I had to think. If my mother doesn’t want to be the custodian of vital and historic documentation; then I’ll put all my Londonderry history underneath the backyard where my fish Tangie died in the summer of 2014. It has to go to hell sooner than later!

Oh and some of these advice doesn’t come from me originally. I’ve been around to be around my autistic (or Dev Disabled) peers and they are just as risk-on to life like how I will become.

2015 was an important year to learn how NOT to be inspired, how NOT to follow other people, how NOT to be like “others” and how NOT to be yourself. I’ve learned don’t do anything, just give up. That’s my plan for 2016.

As 2016 gets older, I will give you blunt advice on how to not take any risks and just avoid community altogether because as experts in this state will say “the real world” is harsh.

*hoping my brain will explode once and for all*

Memo to God

Posted on by
Reply

If a god does exist, supposedly “he” wouldn’t read blogs (or this memo for that matter.)

Dear God (if there is one to exist)

Why did you create me?

If you were the creator, then why did you put me here? I don’t feel that I serve a purpose. I don’t know why other than I’m a gift of my mother that I’m here. Why did you put me here despite you knowing my family would likely fall apart? Why give me a fractured family? Other than my mother, who else am I supposed to be here for? What am I supposed to do? What have I done wrong? I feel like I’ve done “bad” things. I can never figure out the moral compass, it was defective, just like my brain, I feel partially brain dead.

What did I do so wrong to be punished be treated like a resident third world hellhole?

Am I really the devil’s child? I’m I really a product of something “good”?

I felt like I did so many wrongs in the world, and I’m sorry to let you down, if you really exist. I can understand why I don’t have any friends of romantic relationships because I am a defective human being that also did too many wrongs instead of “right”.

Excuse me while I refuse to pray as that didn’t seem to go anywhere recently.

Teresa Bolick’s Dishonest Autism Agenda

Posted on by
1

Over the last few months, I’ve brought up a reoccurring character named “Doctor” in name only Teresa Bolick, of Westford, Massachusetts and why she is causing the autism crisis in my state. She is a very odd individual that spends a lot of time in both the very racist and ablest state in Massachusetts and the state of New Hampshire, which over the last several years has started to follow Massachusetts’ lead of their ablest agenda (and yes it’s more than just the JRC as many advocates are in a hissy about.)

Continue reading →

Lack of Personal Autism “Acceptance”

Posted on by
Reply

It has come to my attention and I might have come to my senses for the next year (assuming no help arrives to assist me) that I may very well be having problems accepting my autism more than anything else. This same disorder that has been with me virtually since birth.

It could very well that I may have been in denial not just in the middle to high school years, but even in my first ten years as being an adult, despite denying it and trying to act mature by moving forward.  I know I’ve been diagnosed with my autism over the years, but I’ve yet to understand and grasp what makes me who I am and why I can’t move forward. I don’t know what’s going on in my mind. I feel my brain is dead in some parts.

I might as well not expect so much and really get used to being treated like a child afterall. Perhaps I do need to be reminded and talk to like a child. Perhaps I have put my ego too high and I was too “rosey”.  Maybe I am not as “normal” as I think I was. I figured I was tone deaf and didn’t understand the difference between “it’s not your autism” vs. something that is autistic.

All I want to say is just like all the other low/mod functioning types of the annoying and generic “I’m sorry” when they feel bad about something they did “wrong.” I may as well be on this functioning level and I’ve been denying this all along.

These senses may give me a path; but regardless I don’t see much happening for the better. I still feel like a hopeless autistic.