Tag Archives: 2022: #OutspokenAutistic

Aging is Not Cool – It’s So Depressing

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I don’t like the fact of aging or being in second-hand aging. I remember my gram in her 50s and seeing things that I won’t share here, seem to be repeating with my mother. But my mother acts like she’s more like 70 (which is more common in Gen X for sure, I know too many of these ladies leaving 40 thinking they’re going to drop dead.

For me this is extremely emotionally taxing and very depressing, because any of my remaining youth and if a lack of any innocence remaining means I will have to be the caretaker of my mother sooner than later, which means I must sacrifice my own identity of potentially raising my own kids.

The rhetoric of “time flies” or “remember when?” or the typical menopausal woman-speak just gets so tiring. it’s almost as if they get more narcissistic as they age. The manosphere/red-pill crowds encourage procreation so their own offsprings and wipe their asses off when they get old. Wait isn’t being married to someone supposed to be doing that too? By those evil men says kids should be born to burry their parents is so demoralizing.

I know that 1/2 your age plus 7 is extremely controversial, but there is no one my own age, so why should I be blamed for at least trying to find someone that is at least above legal age and at least by this point born around the millennia to find a happy relationship? I am pushing for a Young, Cute and Sexy female in my life and a YCS figure that comes to mind is like that brunette, whose just as tall as me, skinny with a size small frame, whose so happy and jolly. She’s at least 13 years younger than I. But what am I supposed to do? All the millennials are not available that almost all of them are emotionally unavailable.

By going with someone reasonably younger, you can extend the menopausal time by at least 25 years, god willing!

Old people make me sad, makes me have to feel for them, and they’re an anchor to other people’s happiness. It’s getting to me.

Taurus Mother, (I don’t Take Astrology Literally… Only When Necessary)

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Part two of a previous narrative

a magnet with the text that describes "Taurus (the bull)" “self indulgent” “materialistic”, “self centered” , “self righteous”, “jealous and possessive” This is now more of my mother.I sometimes wonder if this happens when a Taurus ages.

I took this in between mother’s birthday of April 25th and before Mother’s Day. I don’t support believing in astrology as a primary form of judgement… this magnet alarmed me more about folks that are Taurus that isn’t just hot headed. Things like “self indulgent” “materialistic”, “self centered” , “self righteous”, “jealous and possessive” This is now more of my mother.
I sometimes wonder if this happens when a Taurus ages.

I know other people who are Taurus too, and they live on their astrology, but the irony was I would bitch about my Taurus mother to the Taurus support staff then I’d rather her to my Taurus mother, which was almost like I was living a threesome!

It’s not really funny when you live in it. It’s not to say as a Pisces I do the same stuff, but I would argue its a state vs. situational. I could be a hot head if I deal with the same sons of bitches that don’t get me, but if I indulge, I try to be responsible. In this magnet I found at Newbury Comics, all listed descriptors described my mother, and again not that I take astrology literally, only when it hits you.

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“Hangry Dinner” (Mother Bitching and Refusing to Take Stock)

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Our conflict has been known early on as “typical adolescent/parent” dynamics according to “Doctor” Teresa Bolick. Now I look back and saw through the implicit bias against the hiarchial child. For years I’ve been drilled in the “go with the flow” logic when “zigger-zaggers” happened with scheduling. I felt for so many years I’d be pulled by strings and was unable to think for myself because my mother did all the instructing, I mean “programming” me.

She keeps on prodding things down my throat. Such as my mattress and pillows where I cling onto it longer than it needs to be. I guess I’ll be going to Bob’s Furniture sometime soon. But apparently it smells and I know it’s not the first time, but then my mother will then dilute the argument and say she has the same thing. But she had to throw the pillows into the smelly mix narrative today. Ok, I get it, but I won’t tell her why I don’t because she’ll dismiss my reasonings. I should’ve washed the pillows in some capacity during it’s over used life. But I am tired of being controlled because I had been disabled to think for myself.

I bought burgers more than a couple weeks ago, and bought onions and lettuce (yes I am trying to eat greens!) and that was delayed, delayed and delayed because my mother was concerned she had to seriously clean the grill, then she got a some stomach virus and so it got delayed to lunchtime today, then it got delayed until 5:00 pm because she was working through the lunch at home.

Then I got jostled in the brain when I was about to cut the onions and lettuce on the stove to which I said “Jimmy Crickets” (the other name in vein) which triggered her and I admittedly said out of the blue that I was disoriented and didn’t applause at that point. I already apologized for not closing an internal drawer in the fridge no less than a minute before.

After getting doused in gaslighting, after the burgers were cooked, I suggested we eat by the pool. While I savored the meal, I heard my mother moan and bitch about work today and her Teams call she had to be downstairs for. She was moaning and bitching about how one co worker was out but the boss wanted everyone else to be on the call, then bitched about some form of in house survey conducted while my mother was on bereavement leave, but never realized that the reason why she missed it was because she was not monitoring emails. I asked one challenging question to her theory of mind, of which I can’t even remember. I let her bitch, but of course if I do the same, I expect the masculine “fix” approach of generic advice that wasn’t solicited for.

More in part 2.

Ongoing Issues

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I am struggling as a hierarchal child, again an adult child that has an expectation to out-do the parents of said child. I don’t think it’s appropriate to use the word “child” alone. Just look at the Murdoch clan, and how all the media writers call Rupert’s offsprings “his children”. People must be a real fool to believe that Lachlan and James are toddlers running News Corp or Fox Corp for that matter. Well that tells you right there that a) the kids;… I mean “children” are extensions of Rupert and are never going to be a reflection of his life.

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The Freckin Double Standards

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If I hustle up the stairs, that startles the ol woman…

but she calls be down the stairs, either with an open door, or closed door an in urgent matter…because I didn’t answer my desk phone.

The level of dependency, the level of social norms, the level of lacking appropriate, gentle and not life or death urgency in the undertones.

The idea my mother can issue rules for the house but yet she never enforces it, the idea that I wished we can communicate more gently, with more consent and this 24×7 environment for 4 straight years…

I feel like a fucking bastard child. Sometimes I wished I didn’t exist so I am not worth anything anymore.

Life and it’s Challenges

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I got sick again for the second time in just over a couple months. I got infected late last Friday, and I’m still really tired and stuffy.

As it approached the fifth month of my grandmother passing away, there’s been more uncertainty. My mother has not taken the loss well. Some of her behaviors noticed early on she has apparently reflected on. One of the reasons why she said to me in direct phrase “been a homebody” was she was afraid of something happening to her and I’d be fully alone. She also doesn’t feel mother’s presence. She’s even contemplated selling the house.

My mother still hasn’t reached out for support from the hospice care. I did find things that would’ve been useful for her, but this is the hyper-strong female choses, is stubborn to try to grieve a bit more better. Instead, she results in other acquaintances acting as their therapist while my mother tells the complete play by play story including the hospice’s front desk lady’s name in her stories.

Her work environment  is not that healthy either. A co worker whose got an annoying personality is becoming an injustice. My mother’s work ethic is her own curse. It’s hard for her to emotionally detach from. If the person has annoying personality, but is doing more worse stuff, annoying habits shouldn’t be the most outrage.

Later this month will mark the 6th month mark. I’m already preparing for the worse.

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Chickens are coming Home to Roost (“My Mom”)

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My mother had used the phrase “my mother” or “my mom” or sometimes where I would inadvertently chime in from the dining room she would say “I’m talking to my mother”. I had also unintentionally would trigger her by saying the way she says “my” sounded “possessive”… well… I have something to say about this…

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Concurrently Grieving With a Maladaptive Mother…

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My mother has not handled Gram’s death with grace all the time, but what can you expect? Sure it’s going to be a roller coaster, but sadly my mother’s pre-existing, but undiagnosed style of behavior is becoming really apparent in the months that has followed.

The Appearance of a Potentially Deadly Outburst

My mother comes off as short-circuiting, will  become extremely emotionally, on the fly basically and earlier this week, I was scared for my life, afraid of becoming a Thanksgiving accident statistic as she was on a road rage of someone allegedly cutting her off, when she was in a mood of a rage of what happened in late summer to her mother. She was stubbornly believing she as in the right as she had the right of way; what really scared me was when she was tailgating, and wasn’t mitigating any potential rear-end collision – no she was so enraged that the other driver didn’t respect her right of way (even when she was in her tunnelvision)

She goes on the highway and literally follows the car, she ordered me to take down the license plate number, and when she decided the car was going towards Nashua, she took the exit past home and tried to instigate reax from the driver as she was staring at them, as if they did something so wrong.

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Transgenderism – Is this not seen properly?

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There is not a day that goes by where people are whining and bitching about transgenderism, that the schools are turning guys into girls, it’s the media, it’s freckin TicTok that’s doing it! Ooo the outrage!

Or is it that feminism rejects men at all costs? What about living in a red state (hell it’s purple, with red pockets here and there) where right of center women just ride the coattails of the liberating movement? Or is it lefties who just can’t trust ’em?

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