Tag Archives: 2022: #OutspokenAutistic

When the Dysfunctions Start…

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… I start to kick, I start to punch and I start to throw. My rage kicks in. You can only expect someone to hold all emotions in without an explosion.

I can tolerate a lot of shit with an autistic condition, but when the typical people try to make my life more complicated, I mean for the sake of complication… what the hell do you think I am going to feel? The typical people take advantage of something that is neurologically complex because I can cope with it. But that doesn’t mean to indiscriminately pump and dump my routines and schedules!

No one should have to wake up every morning living life day to day and not having any short term goals for a week because the fat person in your life likes to just play games to make their lives bette.

If I haven’t kicked, and screamed… it will happen. No boundaries = total mayhem!

Narcissistic People with ANY AGE and ANY TYPE are DANGEROUS!

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UPDATED AUGUST 9th, 2022: To reflect an insert of a bulleted paragraph near the end of the post

Amongst the self-admired stereotypes, narcissism is a personality defect in the inability to self-reflect and go home and think about what they have done. Like how the teachers at Seacoast Learning Collaborative in Brentwood, New Hampshire would murder my soul on a daily basis, and go home and wash their hands like nothing ever happened; or when they would children, kiss their kids to sleep and not realize they were stone cold :  (because if they were a man, they’d be an asshole.)

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Where, When, How would I relocate?

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I thought I’d take the 5-Ws Plus How and use only a few, and only ask once.

  • When? Sometime in the next year. At least by July or August of 2023.
  • Where? Portability and mobility is now more possible in the state given the changes to adult services. I could go to any of of the 9 other regions and my paperwork would move over with a simple change of login credentials. But that’s not to say that’s why I am relocating. I am relocating because the region I live in now would not be the coverage once I relocated. They had cracked down on this especially on the bordering towns, since I was one town over.

Most likely I’d be relocating the county west of me, or north say perhaps Concord, but the White Mountains region was forced to merge 3 area agencies during the cuts of the late 00s. That area covers Pittsburg, to Lincoln to Conway and on the western border of the state north of the Lakes Region.  Self dependency would be extremely required because if there’s a shortage down here, it would be worse up north.

  • How? I would survey the towns, and it’s agency and see if they match up. I refuse to go to any vendor ever again, and my staff are based out of the Nashua region, so for me to relocate, I would have to do extensive research.

Lastly, I guess the most annoy Five-W is why?

I feel I have grown out of Southern New Hampshire. This area is screaming of angry Caucasian people that would want my group better off – dead. I am going to be direct. I am not relocating just because of better services (if anything where I am now would be height of it) but I am not running away from my problems nor is this escapism the sole reason. I am extremely burnt out of all the heavy lifting to prove I really do cut short. Would I get “bored” in a a new locale? Perhaps, but I am “bored” being in this area anyways. Going to say Massachusetts or New York for instance would not be an option given the antiquated label and how Asperger’s opens doors, but even though I don’t fit the criteria (and there is so much beyond that) and who knows if the bluer states even take the most important data measurement, the Support Intensity Scale or SIS.

So am I a proud 603er? No, but going somewhere where there is an intent of better outcomes than where I live now maybe the best option. I can’t do this alone, the typical types have to come 1/2 way too, unlike what I didn’t do the years before.

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The 32nd Anni of the ADA

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https://facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0fuVMBWVonkkpdGwmJMZA3wdDC9bRPNTUm9J7KDdrQ3Qw7dEkTsac7nLTDV7Atww7l&id=445876045815220

how 32 years we come to further division. And how my words age like fine wine…i’ve come to acceptance ADA is DOA and IDD are 5th CLASS citizens. Move along…

Escaping from Toxicity: Why Did I Open Myself Up to This?

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I am introducing a new feature called Escaping from Toxicity; the real time; how-to of going away from a bad situation that is not an escapism per se, but also running for your life as the problems you were unable to manage becoming dangerous. It’s one thing to cope with smoldering fire, but if it’s an inferno and it’s going to take out your o-line, then you have to bail out.

I do not understand why I had opened myself up to toxic figures in my life.

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Video: Being Bissell’d

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This is the first experience since my day program where I had witnessed fingerprints of narcissistic abuse in the communal side of the special needs system in my state. (Meaning they are not directly involved with “the system”. Regardless, it further validated that people with special needs are more likely exposed to toxic people and getting sucked as you’ll see in the video.

P.S. there was no pun intended for using “sucks” later on in the video. 🙂

I’m Planning to Move Out and Away!

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In the next 10 months, my goal is to move out, and away from the system and worse the horrific narc people in this fucking part of Southern New Hampshire and say fuck you bitches!

I don’t know how I can do this, but I like this to be a private goal. I am so done with being treated like crap and then be blamed for everything that’s said about me. No one else shares any responsibility. Ironically it’s women not just the men that are doing it.

I feel so “old”…

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Before you people over 55 come of all narc on me and gaslight my perception and project perspective… “35 is nothing, being 65 is worse!”… Let met tell you way I feel this way…

  • NH is the “oldest” state by demographics – 48, 49 or 50. Probably next to Vermont and Maine.
  • By that logic, the “youngest” folks would be a large number – because you were to superimpose the average age of 50, you get the extreme side of people I could be their babysitter, even if I was 18 or 19!
  • Millennials didn’t really grow up here – for someone who grew up in Londonderry in the 1990s, you had some of my peers who were Mass. transplants. Those who spent their first or second grades are back to where they came from. Not to mention there’s more to the world than little ol New Hampshire, a phrase often said by the older generation who remembers the state being as deep as Vermont and Maine.
  • The town I live in, is one the most populated with a very geriatric age – filtering out the ol farts, the youngest people are school age. The closest to thirtysomethings are people who are about 11 to 12 years younger than me! There’s hardly any thirtysomethings in this area.
  • Economic, housing, etc. I don’t believe any of it. I think its a culture that people born between 1977 to 1995 just don’t get. The weather? There’s climate change. Stop bitching about the cold and snow because the data is against your “beliefs”.

It’s just sad to see more people old as my mother or my gram, and people who are teenagers and I am in my mid thirties and I can’t seem to grow, and I regress closer to a twentysomething and somehow no one is realizing how bad that is and how severe this loneliness of lack of similarities can unite us.

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Where the Hell am I on the Recovery Scale?

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Let me begin with a few things that drives me nuts online on places like YouTube with regards to human interactions.

I do not hate women (but I barely trust men) This is a result of a couple videos where I’ve heard people say that people “hate women” or women “hating men”. I do not want to say that I have “hated women” to the point I have checked out. This happens on both genders and probably both sides of the poli spectrum. I don’t like women who have a lot of power who are not accountable, and men who are so cocky in their egos, that it scares me. I am in an utter distrust with women, and I strongly dislike men as narcissism and masculinity often gets meshed together.

I never expected someone to “rescue” me – I have not expected someone to “save me” or “come and fix my broken self”. Let me go to that “broken” state, it maybe a phrase I use often to describe myself and even if the phrase was never said explicitly, it was very implicit. The underlying problem is to treat the person with an ASD type of condition to be extremely typical, and statically treat them typically even in a meltdown, if you failed in the meltdown episode, then you are deemed to not be good enough (I am saying that phrase loosely, very loosely. So I was “broken” by proxy, by the enablers that disabled me (ex teachers/paras case managers, DSPs, other managers and those case managers in adult ages.) When you are delegitimized in a small group, and if you can’t fit into a small community, let alone a larger community.

Yet our media, our institutions or worse the community are saying nothing about ASD, and even if they, it’s just passive. The lifestyle is horrible, even for a higher functioning.

The only way to reverse the damage, is NOT self-love, I do not believe that at all. The only way to treat the hopelessness is someone with a big heart that with expectations yours truly would return the favor. I don’t know why I have not found that person yet. CPTSD or not, or trauma wounds or not. I felt my depression and sadness was state not just trait, but that if the state anx/depression went down, then things would’ve turned around for the better, but yet again fucking COVID19 just had to make my life a living hell.

If you can’t even cultivate your own community, hell if I can’t even find self employment because my social network is so brittle, and any attempts to go back to the job market, and hell if I can’t even feel confident to go into college, how can everyone with autism say it’s a blessing and an entirely a gift, that even a higher function guy can’t even function?

I don’t think even for a higher functioning autistic, there is no way to recover.

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