Tag Archives: Autism

Special Report: Depression & Autism

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specialreporthx
The death last Monday of the famous actor/comedian, Robin Williams has opened yet another opportunity to discuss depression.
Robin Williams had died from an apparent suicide last Monday morning (PT) at his Bay Area, CA home. He was 63. He was dealing with financial problems, and also was dealing with his cancelation of his TV show, The Crazy Ones, likely due to low overnight ratings. Other reports claim he was dealing with an onset of Parkinson’s (unable to confirm that here.) He was in many films from Jumanji (which apparently according to the Union Leader, was filmed in Southwest NH), Mrs. Doubtfire, Bicentennial Man, voiced over the Genie in Disney’s Aladdin , and many more movies and will appear in 6 more films ready to be released in the coming year. Older readers may recall him in the 70s TV series Mork & Mindy, which was the catalyst to his career.
Williams had said in the past he was dealing with depression and went into rehab 8 years ago. He dealt with drugs and alcohol. A month ago, it was confirmed he was going back into rehab, citing “tuning up” his sobriety. In any case it was likely too late, as something caused him to kill himself last week.
It would not be appropriate to discuss – or speculate why he did it nor mentioning if he was a coward or not to do that. I’d like to turn the focus on to the topical status of depression.
Whether or not depression is part of autism, or autism causes depression, or it’s a similar but different, or it’s caused genetically (like from your crazy uncle – literally) or not, the fact is depression and autism  can go in tandem. There is no doubt about that, despite how many PhD hacks you talk to. Depression and ASD can be caused by various factors, becoming an adolescent, coming to a realization that you are “different” or just the poor execution of your support system’s ability to help you.
I know people who are in their late twenties in some level of depression. I myself have dealt with this on and off at least for the last 15 years. If you had followed this blog for the last few years, I’ve really held “the system” accountable for lot of the damages caused to me.
There is a taboo in the developmental disabled and the mental disorder community whether or not both practices should merge. Psychiatric, mental disorders and developmental disorders 3 different things traditionally. There are various methods in treating them, but they are all different. That doesn’t mean that they should come together or be recognized as dual issues. Because these disorders are so separate, the delivery system for services and support are separate. Whose to say someone with severe autism is also dealing with depression? Whose to say someone with Down’s could be bipolar? Also why are we so focused on the disorder and so worried about going to the right agency to get services or should I say the best services since in some areas, mental disorders and developmental disorders are handled by two different services?
Also its been a cliche all week long about how mental health services are not addressed properly. I’d go even further and say mental health services for people with autism are also limited too. In my area, there are a handful of psychologists that ether specialize in autism, or has a working knowledge of autism. (The other handful focuses on ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome, which I’m leaving out because people with AS can choose to not be a odd, weird talking liberal moonbat, and act like everyone else. Sorry I don’t respect people with AS.)
Despite the contrary, New Hampshire in the downstate region is part of the Greater Boston metro region, and even in the most world class cities in the world, this area and probably even the Mass. Merrimack Valley also lacks in mental health services for dual dx’d mental and developmentally ill clients.  I blame part of the Boston snobbery that insists civility doesn’t exist north and west of I-495.
In closing, there needs to be a national discussion with trying to eliminate the stigma of depression; and another track to discuss why so many people with autism or other related disorders are falling into the cracks and why so many arrogant leaders are not realizing there is a depression problem with the autistic community. Especially in the twentysomething crowds, where many grew up in the dark ages of autism being a mysterious and unknown disorder and had parents not knowing where to go and school districts not putting focus on them. If we can’t take this opportunity to discuss this problem, there will be another tragedy that won’t get mentioned because they aren’t a celebrity.

Update: The Ongoing Transition to Limited Relationships

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Hello,
As you probably know by now I no longer report on autism related issues from an autistic himself since September. I have been burnt out blogging to people who were taking advantage of my work and never contributed back. I was tired of Tweeting to people who were so smart but was so stupid to not learn how to interact with someone who doesn’t agree with them fully. That isn’t autism or Asperger’s, its just liberalism as a mental disorder. Anyways I was also burnt out trying to convince others that I could be like other people but some like this organization, and obviously this one where they have their minds narrowed to a certain demographic.
Well let me discuss what the last 3 years have lead me to (hopefully my autistic repetition/redundancy won’t be obvious.)
I moved near the end of 2010. I never moved more than 3 miles and in the same town in the first 23 years of my life. Where I live now is within 20 miles where I used to live. At the same time, I had finished school about 2 years prior and I was receiving services in a new agency, and went though heavy reflections.
Essentially my remaining soul, identity and social makeup ended.

  • My social circle was really limited and to the point I should describe it as fragile. I often felt jelious and envy because I didn’t have what they had and sadly I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” for them. Wether it was coincidence or not, my friends abandoned me when I moved, some were nearly half to a full hour away where I live now.
  • In January of 2011, I launched the online publication called  An Alleged Autistic,  because I had questioned whether or not I was seriously autistic, whether or not the autism rise was real and later questioned the autistic movement (later entitled The Forgotten Autistic after realizing an entire generation, the first generation of the autism boom was entirely forgotten.) The major Autism organizations are focusing on a second generation boom that impacts fewer people than others born around 1987 to 1993.
  • After realizing a bunch of referral traffic coming from search engines with phrases like “can autistic people fall in love”, “why don’t autistic people fall in love” was the catalyst to launch A Puzzling View on Relationships in the fall of 2012. While this blog is no longer in active production, the hundreds of posts for archival purposes are timeless.

Where am I since the last year? Have I changed since the last year? Well let’s put it this way. I feel like I am technically borderline autistic meaning that I can be functioning to a certain degree, but unable to do things or handle responsibilities than to other people of my age group. I have came to a realization that I have difficulties that is hard wired in my brain that would require the most smartasses in the room to reprogram me, which is beyond impossible in 2014.
Where I am on Relationships
In 2011 I went into the multi stages of grief of loosing some friends from high school. In 2001-2005, I went through a similar process – that case was the elementary school “friends.” I put it in quotes because they weren’t my friends likely, it was a one way relationship. 2011 and 2012 was denial stages. I had to go through the process where I had to sever ties ether on my end or witness it on the other end. It was devastating.
2013 was an undocumented implementing of hitting the proverbial reset button. A lot of the focus was to get a job or find a work program. By April of this year I have been working my ass off to find a work program, and get some skills ASAP.
2014 is also the year of implementing the idea that I will never ever kiss a girl, and I won’t be in any “relationship”.  What else am I supposed to say, bullshit my readers of “oh sure, there is a girl out there for you, someone in her twenties living in the Manchester or Nashua area that is so-tolerant of dating someone who is borderline autistic  – by the books of course!” Sadly the reality is there aren’t that many twentysomethings living in NH because they hate the ‘burbs and they love Boston and NYC 100x more. And if there are any, they are taken, because you know the good looking girls are taken, the sweetest girls in the world are taken and the narcissistic girls and not to beautiful ones are single. For good reasons too!
Now the next implementation phase is to figure out how to live with my mother and learn to deal with her and how to co-exist in the next 5 years. I have threatened to move out on many occasions in the last year. Sadly there aren’t that many psychologists or therapists in this area (given that I live in the Greater Boston area) and yet there aren’t that many that focuses on autism, never mind adults so I can get a fair level of advice and support, etc. I say this because only someone who is an alleged expert would be the one who can help me implement the present and future feeling of a hopeless romantic and be my mothers son to grave. My mother isn’t looking to getting a man because most men of her age are fathers or they are gay or something worse. Because of this I feel that the relationship wouldn’t be threatened – for me.
The Hopeless Romantic & Autistic
I’m still a hopeless autistic, first; hopeless romantic, second. Its a really mad, mad world and it has taken nearly 4 years to figure it out. I am a “slow” person, and I am embarrassed to admit it. I don’t see a bright future. There are evil people in politics and in the special needs worlds that has made my life similar to the old USSR or the firewall that broke Germany in 2. And sadly I can’t fight against the experts who have built the wall. I’d be punished for it. Also I don’t have the energy like I used to.
All I want is to have a 1 week grace where I could relax from all of my problems. There are more problems I have dealt with this past calendar year to date which I haven’t mentioned. I really wished I could have one full year grace from all the problems, but that’s asking for too much. I’d like to spend a week in Orlando, Florida and see what makes young people so happy at Disney World, Universal Studios or Legoland – because I was unable to experience my childhood for reasons I have mentioned.
Anyways, beginning on July 17th, the publication is still in archival status and the search engines will once again be able to be searchable.

The State of Affairs for Autism and Relationships

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There is a bunch of problems going forward for the next five to ten years for autistics and the “leadership” thereof about relationships and building friends, etc., etc.

To go into further detail of that statement; we face problems such as trying to fit every possible individual into one unified group instead of unifying 1 and 88 people with autistic or pervasive developmental disorders; secondly the research and assessment (or diagnoses) often compares us to the normal functioning peer groups; which is also an unfair and inaccurate portrayal to the autistic community.

There are a bunch of people who go around the world to speak about autism, to lecture about the subject or even speak badly (even with it being unintentional.) This problem is also a multi pronged issue too. One is the lack of editorial judgement when delivering these messages to the public; secondly the medium is the message; especially in the world of the Web and social media; and how the people take these messages. I’ve said in the past that for a long time people in the Millenial generation (born from 1977 to 2001) were the most intolerant generation of people with developmental disabilities; however that number is slowly going down – but not a lot. The problem here, is those numbers are becoming tolerant because of a career path they have chosen, not really because they want to be tolerant from the heart.

And the last point is what becomes the most dangerous part for ANYONE with autism; the message, or the medium may mislead these future professionals of the special needs industry; there is still some mixed messages that all autistics are mute and dumb, and often they are lost little bastards; and often its boys; because its only boys who are bad; and its only boys who are into science and math; and again guys are socially retarded; and that all autistics shall not have a life like everyone else because of their alleged social dysfunction; and they really should be friends with their neurological peers; and shall not even have the chance of getting married and having offspring that might reproduce another autistic.

The entire boldface was the subliminal or innuendo messaging of what is taught in college, or in professional development (bitter people training.) There is a lot of psychobabble about “social pyramid”, “social capital”, “social this” or “social that”. And many of this BULLSHIT has anything to do with social skills!

So in closing, the state of affairs for autism and relationships are bleak and will have a dark future. Not because “progressives” want to make a movement for change and acceptance; its really for people who want to be career mothers or career slanderers to make blaintely false and misleading statements that all autistics are bad, all autistics should be sent to Laconia or a state that still has a state school for developmentally disabled people. And yet we have to settle with the fact of “they are being honest” and “they are telling the God honest truth” but yet if I make a “God honest truth” I’d be charged for hate speech even if there isn’t a  hate speech law in my state.
The only option is to settle with the “facts” with the hopes these people will die to hell sooner rather than later.

News Alert!

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breakingautistics
 
It really shouldn’t be a Breaking News story where the newsroom bell shouldn’t go off.  Your heart had already been broken when you were in school age, and even if there was an off limits romantic relations with your teacher, even when you are an old adult, special needs professionals of any age group, would rather work with your types “on the clock” and then not want to be in any relationship off the clock, hence the second tier in this mock lower third.

Autism + Relationships + Mixed Messages / Slander = Total Confusion

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Relationships and autism doesn’t always gel well. Some of that has to do with ones wiring of the brain like if part of the brain is missing a circuit board.
In some cases it gets unnecessary confusing in ones’ teenage years.
Why do I say that?
Its because we have people who claim to be knowitalls on autism (using Doctor or PhD) in their names, and sadly because of their status, they think they have an open license to start making blanket statements about that everyone with autism are all boys, they are lost, they can’t talk and if they are high functioning they are all geeks who like computers or gaming and they are all 5 ’10 and are fat bastards because they are given anti depressants out of will in a semi criminal fashion.
What I mean by that is that in any legitimate workshop on autism, the above stereotype is often used, indirectly albit. It’s hard to describe it because there is a lot of subliminal messaging in terms of autism awareness. Some of those cases, can you know come off as scare tactics. Some are just plain ol slander and some are just claiming to tell the “truth” (insert your aging estrogen bias here.)
The problem is instead of trying to act fair and balanced (read: the equal opportunity offender), there is always a focus on the negative, and some cases blaitent attempts singling out these individuals, because of the subject manner. Earlier this year, a workshop took place in my state. February 14th to be exact. Great timing, right?  The workshop was entitled “What Does Love Have to Do With It?”. The pamphlet (which is on the World Wide Web mind you and likely to be indexed forever!) puts a damning catch:

“This workshop is appropriate for parents, professionals, and paraprofessionals who have a working knowledge of autism spectrum disorders and common strategies for teaching social cognition and communication. It is not appropriate for adolescents themselves.” – Pamphlet of this workshop on February 14th, 2013

What sensitivity, if was ever any thought?  The speaker, a well known psychologist, that comes off as  a knowitall on Autism, basically singled out the population just only “adolescent” age group and only for the coldhearted professionals of the autism biz. Who in the hell gave this a green light? Where was the assistant if this speaker even has one? If I were the assistant, I’d be like “what the fuck are you doing?” and smacking the ass! And this speaker, doesn’t give a shit if she is messing up ADULTS with autism with the mixed messages and the fear tactics, since the profile states she only deals with children and adolescents!*
*so she can mess up the younger folks and fuck off the adults suffering with mixed messages with love and relationships, the 25 year olds that got raped by the abuse of liberal union thugs – fuck those bastards they are illerlevent!
If I was the local AG, I’d throw the books at a boatload of women as Level 3 sex offenders. The University of New Hampshire Durham has plenty of anti social jerks and a majority of the college girls there are mostly skanks –and don’t dare you tell me that’s just you know “3%”  of the student population! Hello, Facebook! Facebook exposes the REAL majority of sex offenders! Yes a slut in my opinion is a Sex Offender. I hate using the word “slut” and “skank”, but when there isn’t fathers controlling their daughter’s estrogen and teaching them how to effectively use their sexual power, the degrading words DESERVES MERIT!
Speaking about the Internet Protocol, it is taught to autistic to be careful what you post online? And yet I am assuming this speaker never thought of any guilt or remorse of doing a workshop on Saint Valentines Day, and knowing it was planned to begin with.  If there was another date, it should’ve be done because, yes Virgina – there is a such thing that perception is reality and teasing, YES teasing the fact one is doing a workshop and yet, yet its about autism and love/relationships, but the next breath it says not for the “individuals themselves”?
ARE YOU FUCKING ME!!!??????
So, to make a statement that PDFs do not rot, I’ll post the original tease of the workshop on MY blog to show that people should not only think twice of what they should be posting, but also think before you act. Think before you commit a date and do not, and DO NOT make a sissy excuse like oh it was just coincidental – nothing personal.  That’s the oldest trick in the book in CYA. Some autistics are like Google who will never forget or EVEN forgive your intellectual stupidity! Think twice before you tease the public and think before you paint a slanderous image of autistics, because there are people who are trying to make us like creeps!
If it weren’t for these types of people, this blog wouldn’t exist. I don’t know if I should be thankful or pissed or both. You decide.
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Busy bodies and busy Relationships

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It’s rather interesting how people today are lacking relationship skills and not just social skills ether.  I blame this on airplanes, the Web and just the acceptation that its okay to screw someone and jump around jobs like its no ones business.
I’ve been using Match.com for nearly a couple of months and I do not like to engage a user that lives in New Hampshire but lived in Colorado for a decade or someone who lives in Boston who came from the Midwest and loves everything about Boston. Simply, I know there is more to New England than the City itself. I love Springfield, Hartford, Providence, Burlington, and Worcester! Isn’t that a surprise!
(Of course, I withheld Portland or Augusta because Maine sucks – I’ve  been there enough to say they are weirdos and hicks – that’s why I don’t visit there that often!)
I digress.
However, this kind of busy lifestyles doesn’t work well with someone who has difficulty transitioning from one place to another. I rarely moved in my lifetime, only about 3 or 4 miles of where I spent most of my first 23 years of my life. When I was 23, it was about 12 or so miles that I moved from the previous town I lived in.
The problem in three words? Lack of  Loyalty.
I grew up in New Hampshire, and traveled around the region, I wouldn’t trade this area for anywhere else. I have some, and I say some pride of where I live. Many of my peer groups does not have such level of some respect.
And this to me is a problem. The Millennial generation (i.e. the synthetically autistic types) are still acting like teenagers as some in this generation are 36 years old. For some reason we have allowed the vast majority of the normal functioning population to act like autistics while my group are expected to function as normal as possible. Which explains why marriage is much later and having children at a later age is happening. Dare I say having a child in their 30s can cause birth defects or even disabilities like autism. Even worse north of 40? These childish people are relying on unreliable technology to have children at a later age.
Again, I am probably making a low educated opinion on this, but craved stability since middle school. Even when I rarely moved physically, I went to several schools in almost every 2 years.  The staff in the schools had a very short shelflife too. Again, they were the twentysomethings figuring their lives out with the most mission critical job required of such lack of responsibilities. On top of the very young age, the other excuse was “they need to start somewhere”.

I feel sometimes I’ve worked in the local TV news business, when one’s job security (historically) was lot worse than other jobs like working in the public sector, the phone company, or corporate jobs, and if someone got randomly fired, their career in TV news was actually “cursed”.  The Special Education world worked much like a particular Boston news station, and to use such analogy is pretty pathetic. Because no individual should feel like their classroom is a newsroom of a revolving doors of producers (teachers) or director (executive management) while the child (student) is like the viewer witnessing dysfunctional news operation.

Though I feel that loyalty the lack thereof is a roadblock to future relationships for me. How can I get “locked into” a relationship if the girl wants to move to California or Houston or some other random place in 2 years?
I can’t live such life anymore. I can’t imagine anyone living like that.

Birthday

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My birthday is near and in the coming weeks I will be 26 years of age. It will be the 5 year mark where I had turned 21 and finished school on the same day. It is very scary to think how in half a decade how I have fallen apart and came to a hard realization about how I have to accept my differences, and accept my future outlooks in life. (I think you know its really about “relationships”.)
I don’t talk like I used to because I am tired of talking to slight egomaniacs. I am tired of hearing someone’s “honest” or someone pushing an agenda on me. I might be venting a little about my mother, but that’s really besides my point.
I am asking for much this year, nor do I really give a shit about it ether. As I wrote in last October, about my struggles of people remembering my birthday; I’ve just accepted the fact “its just another day”. That happened last year, I went on a trip to the mountains after doing some shopping at the state’s surplus agency getting networking gear. I brushed off the the 25th anniversary of my existence.
I am not happy about the big two-six. And this isn’t just the normal PDD obsession leading to one’s bday.  It’s actually worse.
I realize I won’t be happy. Its not because I choose not to, its because I am forced to not be happy. The leadership on the ASD self-interest has effectively slandered my group, and has effectively committed uncriminal behavior like psychological ID theft. These goddamned sons of bitches have forced me to grow up faster than my peers (since it is “normal” to still act like an adolescent at 35 years old, if you don’t have a disability) and yet these same sons – of  – bitches treat people like me as crap when they aren’t “on the clock”. These people insist we work for some corporation and be highly accountable at all times.
These freckin bastards also believe we should only fall in love in our own peer group. I’m talking about the PDD group. As you already know (I assume) the numbers of PDD male to female ratio is about 4 out of 5 male to female. I probably would say 3 out of 5 are females, since I see more of them in the adult services than I have seen in the special education. But still, I am put at a disadvantage.
My only wishes for my birthday is:

  1. Please, I ask the middle age women, who are ugly, bitter and hateful people  who act exactly the same as I just described: to stop acting as advocates for special needs! I also understand you might have an empty nest syndrome, but just stop saying for one example that autistic people can’t fall in love. DO NOT slander these people in private workshops BY CLEARLY saying its “not appropriate ” for us to attend when I feel you will painting EVERYONE with PDD with the most thickest brush to exist! Especially when WE STRUGGLE (in some cases for unneeded purposes) with RELATIONSHIPS and recklessly plan such workshop on mother fuckin’ VALENTINE’S DAY! It is your peers that have made me so mad and sad and not glad that the only life I can have is to be a fucking slave!I stand by my “fucking” beliefs, because you force me to use such needed coarse language! 
  2. I want people to LISTEN. Especially WOMEN! I don’t give a shit you have a cunt and tits, to me its sexist for me to expect me to listen to you and its fine for you not to listen to me and go off and talk, talk and talk and push your egomaniac agenda. If you want to be treated like everyone else, you have to not label yourself and act like everyone else, and sadly in this case men. (I hate using gender/age specific language, but it is these overeducated punks from Harvard, and other Middlesex County, Mass like regions around the world that unnecessarily done this reversed sexism!)
  3. As narrow-minded and possibly sexist and racist as it is, I would love to have a woman to be my romantic mate. (I can’t say “girlfriend” without being charged for “hate speech” because you can’t say a “girl” to a “woman”.) Therefore, I would like to have an adult female companion  I should just say, look into a slow relationship. For all I could know, having a romantic relationship may not work at all, and I could’ve wasted 10 years for nothing!
  4. The “experts” need to get their head out of their asses. I can’t say this enough. I also ask for paraprofessionals, professionals, teachers and other cold-hearted people between the hours of 9:00 to 5:00 local time to maybe learn that autistic people are just like you, and instead of not having friends in your outside life that are autistic, to maybe give it a chance? I’m not talking about HS aged people or current professional relationships, but have some freckin unity as we desperately need in my country! I only wished I could be integrated with “normal” Latinos, Blacks, Asians and other people of various backgrounds, and not be forced into a group I find is regressive and a group that won’t rightfully go forward according to my social, political and systemic standards.

I’ve realized I have done some bitching, but many punks in my life have no idea what they have done to me, and how its ok to not be accountable of their actions, their words and their actions. It is men with a certain social standard who have wrongfully been abused and used!
I do not hate women! And I mean that. I respect them! They are very caring people, and they have great talents! Younger ladies is rare, thirtysomethings you have better luck I only have a problem when they go on a political or systemic tirade against one social class for no realistic reason in the general population, and get away with it. Sadly, many are near or post menopausal and they generically look ugly, because they act as if they are fat and ugly.  I hate to be so biased, but since ASD and PDD individuals are mostly male, I feel so personally offended to be an adult male because we have to treat women as God.
I only ask to be somewhat happy for my Birthday. But apparently in America that is asking for too much according to all the experts I have to comply since America is now a “1984” society.
P.S. there is one other thing I would want for my birthday. To have more traffic on this blog and more discussions from my readers, because if it weren’t for you (if you even read my blogs) this blog wouldn’t exist.
End of my political/personal rant.

Can I have one of those “Hunk of Love Bear”?

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I’m watching CNBC, a commercial ran from the Vermont Teddy Bear company and during this time of the year they run various Valentines Day spots (I think they also own Pajama Gram) and they are selling a $100 Hunk of Love bear. It’s a 4′ bear that is perfect for an autistic because it looks so cuddly. I admit I still snuggle with some of my mothers bears.  Given I probably won’t fall in love, this could be a nice $100 investment. 

No Girlfriend – No Problem!

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The beginning of the new year (well as early as late September, as I started the “Countdown”) was really a sigh of relief. I realized that the chances of me getting a girlfriend in the near to distant future was going to be pretty low odds. I really don’t see a future for me and romance.I just don’t see it.

While it is so painful dealing with the idea of being single, I’m finding it a good idea. I won’t have to worry about loosing my gf due to a big argument  I won’t have to worry about not getting AIDS or another STD, since the sex rates with the suburban girls are probably much higher than one thinks.

I won’t have to worry about getting distracted from the g/f, and I can continue to avoid from social situations since many 26 year olds are often taken, or in a committed relationship. And other 26 year olds often have gone to college, and I don’t.

I won’t have to worry about meeting various demands, since girls require a guy with a University education, and working for some large company taking home at least $45,000 after tax. I won’t have to feel so ashamed living with his mother as girls don’t want a “looser”.
It is best to stay single!

My mother

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I am going to speak as general as possible, as I do not want to exploit my family, as they don’t pefer me to write about them to the whole world. And given my traffic, the whole world does follow this blog.
Earlier tonight, my mother came home from work. On Tuesdays she works down at the Massachusetts plant. She comes home a little later than usual. I don’t know why I have a mood when she comes in. Maybe its because its a change of environment because she comes home and I’m home alone all day.
Or maybe its because I have sucked at doing chores at home. Maybe my mother sucked at being a mother. Or maybe my mother shouldn’t raised me at a young age.
Within 2 minutes after she came in, she noticed I left a couple plates on the kitchen counter. She  started to point to the dishes and was going to mention it. I felt offended, and I started to get very upset and started to throw things and started to yell at her (and swore too.) I blurted out that she doesn’t fully love me in response of why I can’t do a simple thing such as moving dishes to the dishwasher.  I lost my patience and I felt really hopeless.
She also started to say that for the last couple of years she has tried to discretely hint me of my cluttered style in the dining and kitchen areas. I can’t explain why because a) I can’t articulate, and b) I can’t explain myself.
Unlike my mother, I don’t explain things, in this example, I don’t want to make excuses and another example I don’t want to degrade or come off as condescending.
I got very upset and cried in pain after. She avoided talking to me for the rest of the night (as I did as well.)  My mother also threatened me that she was going to move out and transfer the house under my name.  She things like that all the time during an intense argument  in which they aren’t as intense as they used to be, though I have gotten more physically aggressive to inmante objects. That really hurt, because I am not trying to take over the house or my mother. I feel that this desperate remark makes me come off as a spoiled brat, which is not my intentions. And I am not trying to “insult”, to use her words herself. I am trying to be fairly critical and also expecting the words to come right back as her counter response.
She also said that she wants to live with me, but since my organization is so bad, it bothers her so much that she was thinking of moving out.
I wished I could move out, but I can’t financially.
Given my current relationship with my mother, and my realization of not understanding what she sees through me, its like – what girl wants to be living with me if I am so emotional, fragile and messy? 
A part of my brain is ether dead or not working properly. And it’s so embarrassing  I know I offend my mother, and I feel some remorse but I can’t feel how bad I ether hurt her or how bad I have disrespected her.
In anyway, this story should had explained how I suffer with my autism and how my autism effects the relationships around me.
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