Tag Archives: Autism

No Girlfriend – No Problem!

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The beginning of the new year (well as early as late September, as I started the “Countdown”) was really a sigh of relief. I realized that the chances of me getting a girlfriend in the near to distant future was going to be pretty low odds. I really don’t see a future for me and romance.I just don’t see it.

While it is so painful dealing with the idea of being single, I’m finding it a good idea. I won’t have to worry about loosing my gf due to a big argument  I won’t have to worry about not getting AIDS or another STD, since the sex rates with the suburban girls are probably much higher than one thinks.

I won’t have to worry about getting distracted from the g/f, and I can continue to avoid from social situations since many 26 year olds are often taken, or in a committed relationship. And other 26 year olds often have gone to college, and I don’t.

I won’t have to worry about meeting various demands, since girls require a guy with a University education, and working for some large company taking home at least $45,000 after tax. I won’t have to feel so ashamed living with his mother as girls don’t want a “looser”.
It is best to stay single!

My mother

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I am going to speak as general as possible, as I do not want to exploit my family, as they don’t pefer me to write about them to the whole world. And given my traffic, the whole world does follow this blog.
Earlier tonight, my mother came home from work. On Tuesdays she works down at the Massachusetts plant. She comes home a little later than usual. I don’t know why I have a mood when she comes in. Maybe its because its a change of environment because she comes home and I’m home alone all day.
Or maybe its because I have sucked at doing chores at home. Maybe my mother sucked at being a mother. Or maybe my mother shouldn’t raised me at a young age.
Within 2 minutes after she came in, she noticed I left a couple plates on the kitchen counter. She  started to point to the dishes and was going to mention it. I felt offended, and I started to get very upset and started to throw things and started to yell at her (and swore too.) I blurted out that she doesn’t fully love me in response of why I can’t do a simple thing such as moving dishes to the dishwasher.  I lost my patience and I felt really hopeless.
She also started to say that for the last couple of years she has tried to discretely hint me of my cluttered style in the dining and kitchen areas. I can’t explain why because a) I can’t articulate, and b) I can’t explain myself.
Unlike my mother, I don’t explain things, in this example, I don’t want to make excuses and another example I don’t want to degrade or come off as condescending.
I got very upset and cried in pain after. She avoided talking to me for the rest of the night (as I did as well.)  My mother also threatened me that she was going to move out and transfer the house under my name.  She things like that all the time during an intense argument  in which they aren’t as intense as they used to be, though I have gotten more physically aggressive to inmante objects. That really hurt, because I am not trying to take over the house or my mother. I feel that this desperate remark makes me come off as a spoiled brat, which is not my intentions. And I am not trying to “insult”, to use her words herself. I am trying to be fairly critical and also expecting the words to come right back as her counter response.
She also said that she wants to live with me, but since my organization is so bad, it bothers her so much that she was thinking of moving out.
I wished I could move out, but I can’t financially.
Given my current relationship with my mother, and my realization of not understanding what she sees through me, its like – what girl wants to be living with me if I am so emotional, fragile and messy? 
A part of my brain is ether dead or not working properly. And it’s so embarrassing  I know I offend my mother, and I feel some remorse but I can’t feel how bad I ether hurt her or how bad I have disrespected her.
In anyway, this story should had explained how I suffer with my autism and how my autism effects the relationships around me.
*

Slutty in the Head

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My mind can wander into the gutter, just like other guys as they can be visual and stuff like that.
I can get lusty thoughts up in my head. But of course, I have control my hormones because gawd forbid if I get a little frisky to a girl, then I have to worry about getting assaulted, etc.
Again it is a female majority, so we have to treat them as god, even though god is supposed to be a man. I have to give them high levels of respect.
Even when they dress trashy. We still have to treat them as queen bitches.
I get really offended from people like my mother who gets offended for me checking out a girl who clearly is doing it to get attention. My mother for maybe the rightful reasons has taught me to be “discrete” to visually look at a lady.

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How can someone fall in love (ROMANTICALLY) with an autistic?

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When they have meltdowns?
When they get upset easily?
When someone has sensory issues?
How can they handle their social quirks?
The busing of the brain that stops processing various the verbal cues, social cues, etc?
I don’t know.
I do know that not everyone with autism can fall in love and go into a lifelong relationship.
Love is a feature missing to some people who suffer of the brain disease known as the Autism Spectrum Disorder or ASD.

“Definition of ‘Marriage'”

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Now that I am not seeking future relationships, I have the time to start discussing the bigger picture of how this blog was intended to be.
Have you seen my banner and the various statements, phrases and questions about “Relationships”? The title of this story, is called “Definition of ‘Marriage'” this phrase was derived as legalese. The reason that phrase is legalese, was a community I used to live several years ago wanted the local board to send a memo to the State legislature of the town’s view on marriage. My state has approved homosexual marriage a few years ago. The community, which was (and is) extremely fiscal and very socially conservative, had taken advantage of using the ballot to vote their views.*

* I did not vote on that question, because its technically illegal to put such question in a “town meeting” legislature, since the ballot is supposed to be electing board members and approving the budget. This never was challenged on the legality. Everyone in town talked about the legality of marriage, and never about the legality of the question being put on a “ballot.” The other things, like this issue would be done on a Saturday meeting at the local school and holding up a card for approval/disapproval and the “townies” going up to speak about their approval or disapproval of various questions up for vote. (If you have watched Gilmore Girls, its kinda like that, only once a year mind you.)

I totally digress. I should avoid talking about politics only if politics effect relationships.
I’ve wondered about the views on marriage really is. It’s cheaper to not get married because of the lovely taxation that is only going to get worse. Having a kid ups the taxation. If you have a disability, and you receive Social Security or SSDI or SSI, a combined relationship means a consolidation of checkbook ledgers, which means your bennies may go down.
What really bugs me is how people have to put such mental and physical stress and typically the groom’s family putting money down for a wedding, that apparently becomes a writedown when the divorce comes along.
Getting married before legally the Mr. & Mrs. is very costly, and I’m not talking about the costs of a divorce! Divorces are very costly, and depending on who got screwed over (assuming a case of infidelity), may or may not get even more screwed because of losses of assets. If I were you, I’d be keeping asset log in case you loose precious items leading up to a divorce.
And who really gets screwed – the children! If couples have kids, this really shows how immature their parents are. The yuppitie yuppies always whine It’s for the Chillldreeenn! So divorcing is good “for the children?'”
We have to credit Hollywood for their leadership of having out of wedlock children, getting married and getting divorced as simple as clicking on the drop box on your Relationship Status on Facebook.
I’m not even talking about homosexual marriage like where this title originated from. I find heterosexual relationships is the most at danger. There is no meaning to “marriage”, again just talking about heterosexual marriage. I’m someone who thinks about money alot, and given this crappy economy, I would think money would be a strong decision maker for marriage. I just don’t get it.
I find doing a prenuptial is wrong. If you love someone so much to death, why is there a need to do a prenup? If anything you should do a will before a prenuptial.
I find the people who also tout traditional marriage are the ones that are doing the total opposite of what they are preaching.
What say you? Do you think marriage is overrated, or underrated. What is your “definition of  ‘marriage'”?

Christmas, part two

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Christmas is a hard thing for me to understand. My autism doesn’t help manners. Part of it is I wasn’t exposed to faith and religion at an early age. Another part is my difficulties of relationships, especially to family.
I’ve mentioned earlier today that I’ve had family issues in recent years relevant to Christmas. Another part of me is I can’t turn-off things i.e. “letting troubles be out of sight”* I also believe given my my strong emotional bond with my mother makes anything tick. I find such chemistry has made our relationship even more difficult. Such emotional similarities would not be an ideal match for any other relationship.
*verse of “Have Yourself A Merry Christmas”
RELATED: Have you seen My Ideal Girl yet?
On top of that, I’m just struggling through life almost being unemployed for 5 years straight and now mounting concerns for me to get that new annual contract for certain services where there is more goals compliance and accountability on my end and I can’t just shut it off on one day.
I think being an adult is the worst feeling to have. I don’t see really anything good out of it other than I have a teensy bit of freedom (i.e. unemployed for almost 5 years) and just having the time to yep about my frustrations of life.
I’ve lost the meaning of Christmas. After what happened to me personally to the last 9 months of this year and seeing the elections going the wrong way and seeing the economy stalling for another 4 years and seeing how social media, “the cloud” and iDevices killing possibly U.S. I.T. or even service jobs, makes me just feel even worse. Going back to micro-view, I feel looking forward,  I just don’t see any future for any new relationships. I may get a job and seek professional relationships, and getting a job and maybe loose some services (the system for special needs is totally fucked up here in the States – I’ll leave that part out.)
On top of that, I don’t see any future for “friends” or even a girlfriend. Remember, I live in a suburban area of Boston, and often its a bunch of rich brats or anyone that is underage, since there are so many school age people who live around here. And if there are people my age, then they are like my cousin, taken and happily married. There aren’t that many single 25 year olds – lets be frank. All the good looking (read: bad ass girls) are taken, the not so pretty live with their parents, and the truly loving and caring girls are extremely rare.  I’m looking into taking an indefinite break of dating and going into relationships, something that was in place since birth, if you really think about it.
This is coming on the heels as allegedly the world is supposed to end tomorrow. Its all over cable TV right now of the fear of it. I’ll say this I was born on the 12th, my worst years of my life were 12 and 21 and 2012 wasn’t the best year ether. I hope nothing severe happens in my area in the event of a disaster.
But I’ll say this – my life is over. Whether or not I die or not, my life is figuratively dead. There is no way to revive. I was pronounced dead back earlier this year. 2013 and onwards is going be a challenge, and something I have to do, but maybe it won’t be as painful. Maybe its a sign that I won’t have to endure pain as being someone that has a “disability” that only a “doctor” with a PhD degree can treat. Maybe I’ll get paralyzed, and maybe that will be the best moment in my life (as fucked up as it is) and actually have empathy of the masses for the first time. Maybe there will be friends and a possible girlfriend and maybe a future wife that would love me for who I am, since again a disability is typically not observed by society as something in the brain.
Whether or not the world ends tomorrow, I will put more resources into this blog. My plan is to decode what I had experience for relationships and again analyze it. Sadly, I am not getting those beloved search terms like “can autistic people fall in love” “why don’t autistic people fall in love” “could I date someone with autism”. Oh, I make that up with my experiences of ignorant people not wanting to date someone like me.
Well hopefully, I’ll see you people tomorrow. Bye!

I told ‘ya so

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If you thought the ASD/PDD community would get clobbered after the Sandy Hook Massacre, well I told you so on Friday.
The world is  A-Twitter with people not understanding that in almost every case of people with autism, there is a small number of people who may become violent, meanwhile 99% and more people are now being considered as monsters.
Do a Twitter search on just the lone hashtag, and you’ll know what I mean.
The fuel of hatred begins by having one bad experience (whether is first hand to third hand) and the ignorance just blows up from there.
 

The Pursuit of Happiness

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I had a meeting with my support team for my services earlier yesterday. I want to keep such sensitive information private, since I do not want to exploit such special needs services. Part of it is  such a political drama over the last few years. The Great Recession hasn’t helped the manners. However, the New Year is coming, and I am trying to survive a day to day live meanwhile having to deal with more and more accountability and additional people-pleasing. This New Year mentality is starting to become something I’m not looking forward to.

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Would one be willing to fall in love with ASD?

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I’ve become more and more skeptical about any futures of being in love. I’ve never fallen in love with anyone, because there was no girl that was willing on her part to understand me and accept me for who I am.
Let’s try to see if a random girl could handle the following?

  • would she be willing to deal with someone who can be messy? (I explained part of that earlier today)
  • would she be willing to hear one pace around and be anxious at times?
  • would she be willing to hear about things she could not give a shit about?
  • would she be willing to hear about things she could not give a shit about – in a looped fashion?
  • would she be willing to deal with someone who sometimes doesn’t like to be too close to someone? (well I never could touch a girl -because that is more offensive, than a girl touching someone like me!)
  • could she handle my constant anxiety attacks?
  • and how could she handle someone who is unemployed and living with his mother? That turns off a lot of girls, who many in the 26 to 30 range have completed college and are making a HELUVLA lot more than what I should be making if I was “normal”!

I’ve asked the question, would a girl date someone with autism on other parts of the Web and got disappointing results.  I go and people watch, I try to flirt, only 1 and 50 random girls do that, Then trying to talk to a girl – its like – how in the hell can I talk to one and see if there is something? I’ve explained a week ago about another cutie I had written about, and finding out that painful answer.
Oh, I’ve gotten Facebook posts asking why just date someone who is autistic herself? Well, the cases are well male biased, and if there are any, they are likely taken since she will probably be in a relationship with an autistic/PDD counterpart. That doesn’t work out here. Same goes to all the ever so growing jobs for “paraprofessionals” in the twentysomething crowd. If they deal with them on the clock, do you think they’ll fuck with one literally off the clock? Thought so.
There are so many reasons why someone like me won’t be able to fall in love, the love is turning into hate because love can only work for so long, hate can be effectively eternal.

Biting ones tounge

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Silence is golden. As painful as that sounds, I am doing the people in my life a favor.

I “bite” my tongue because
I don’t want to offend anyone;
I don’t want to set someone off;
I don’t want to ruffle one’s feathers;
I don’t want to come off as crude, rude, hateful or bitter;
I don’t want to create any unneeded hostility
That I don’t want to be one of those crazy minded, “delusional”  types

I have “bitten” my tongue for a long time, allowing the pain to go down my body.
This effect has caused my tongue to become “infected” – therefore I can’t
“speak”.
Unfortunately it is best for me to stay quiet – even if it hurts the close people in my life.
I can talk, and I should have the right to speak my mind; but in order to “be nice” its best I just stay quiet, because when I start talking, I set my self up for trouble.
There are so many things on my mind, but the people I talk to are probably not willing to hear me repeat my issues over and over, and the significant troubles of my relationships and the inability to fix them because beyond repairable.
I am doing the people in my life a favor by just zipping it.