Linked In Sez I’m too Talented…

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And you wonder why I just sputter, because I “have unique combination of skills” says the pesky top page where it badgers users to give more information to use against you in targeted ads, etc.

Well I used to say “I’m open minded in a legally narrow minded world.” This maybe the reason why I’m “stuck” but yet to confirm.

Love & Marriage (The Lack Thereof)

I don’t want to sidetrack the discussion on being a “hopeless autistic”, but a reoccurring subject (that I previously wrote on unnamed blog a couple years ago) was on love relevant to the autism spectrum disorder. In 2015, hopeless romantics who also are autistics are very high because

  • Lack of education on the issue. Many youngsters were ether unexposed to ASD, therefore they have no clue. They were ether misguided, misinformed or was told to run the other direction if “a big and fat weirdo” came and approached you.
  • If you don’t believe that stereotype exists, well thank some “experts” in the Granite State that have actually used video and narratives featuring the big and fat weird guy stereotypes
  • Professionals would rather work with them then have a fling at night with one. Even if you met them as a stranger on say a dating service. They have no interest.
  • “Being around people your own age” can only work if there are people begin with! (Notice the reoccurring tone about Millenials and how they are so urban wannabees and how I’ve mentioned they explicitly hate New Hampshire in the past on social media? The hatred didn’t help matters growing up in the largest affulenza ridden communities.)
  • We now go into the moral obligation of marriage. It would be the morally or ethically right thing to marry someone. Then we go into a financial problem. When you become married, it’s no different or less than a merger and acquisition. If you want to use the simple last name metaphor, basically the man buys out the woman. The problem is when one is on Social Security, that the assets are tied as one as well. Which would really suck if your other spouse is all perfectly normal. The legality is your spouse would have to cut their hours or to be direct – be disabled themselves. (Sadly Social Security is a requirement to all those startup, short term work programs – more on that next year, that )
  • Millenials not tolerant to individuals on ASD, it bears repeating

I hope this explains the reason if you see or hear some hopeless autistic also coming off as a hopeless romantic that this may be the reason why.

Where I Grew Up

map  Unlike other millennials or peers of my age, I basically lived in a single neighborhood for my entire life till I was 23.  I was born in Derry, raised in Londonderry (the small dot to the right). The first dwelling was my grandparent’s house. I moved for the first time when I was about 5, then back for a few months after I turned 6, the moved again to another part of town (in the same elementary school region) for another 3 years till my grandmother got divorced and we moved back. From 1996 to near the end of 2010, I lived in the same dwelling. By that point of most typical 23 year olds, they probably have moved about a dozen times if you count their college dorm as a form of living setup.

I was raised to believe that Londonderry was this small town, a typical working class community that once was the bedrock of this region. Well, even the Town themselves considered Londonderry as a “rural lifestyle” but many of the people would fake it. I wouldn’t even bet people know what “RFD” referred to, and we even had an RFD stop number, which I won’t publish on this site. In fact, most of the rural lifestyle has been part of a giant wrecking ball. The most lower class citizens were driven out over the last couple of decades. Some of my classmates (of the similar social strata) don’t even live in town, at least more than 5 years ago based on Facebook conversations.

Specific to this site, if it weren’t for my Londonderry residence, I might not be able to have the ability to write this 1,600 word narrative. Some other days I wished I never went to LEEP and would’ve been better off being a non verbal autistic and would’ve had the system spoil me because afterall the system is a paradise for non verbals. And I don’t want to dismiss any non verbals ether, because afterall I was once one (for a few years…)

However the dirty little secret to “Ltown” is that it’s really an upper middle class town despite the constant “rural lifestyle” talking point. Such families were poor enough to buy necessities, but rich enough to buy materialistic items. A lot of people don’t drive Fords or Toyotas in the 03053 zip code anymore. Many drive Caddies, Lexuses, or even Mercedes, or used BMWs to “fit in” to the higher upper class. According multiple sources, the median income can range from over $100,000 to $120,000 pre tax. Regardless that’s plenty of cash compared to an undereducated family I grew up. (I’m not complaining,  just pointing out the realities.)

I grew up in the time where I was out of districted, most of the local millenials would actually not be exposed to this group – my group, just like how their Baby Boomer parents were not exposed to the generation that were at the Laconia State School, for an example. While the Londonderry School District had new management by the turn of the Century, the pervasive problem was to address the out of district students. To be direct, they failed miserably. Around the Class of 2005, (or SY 04-05) about 64 students were at out of district facilities.

I’ve admitted previously of flip flopping staying out or returning and to then decide to remain out of district would be the right one. I started to come to my senses of how “young punks” would perceive me, and sadly it had negative connotations. There really isn’t a valid defense to the district, because they spent so much time trying to build in house programs, and they now use it as selling points today. Management never thought like a uniformed worker, I would start to bleed to death, and they refused aid. The only critical or core “services” they provided was my third mother, psychologist since 3, Teresa Bolick, from Westford, Mass. Her personal snobbish attitudes were mirrored to Londonderry because both towns are no different, no less. If you wonder why I write negative narratives, this specific experiences would cause a scar for life (until it heals once she looses her certification once and for all!)

As this narrative evolves to how I would become a hopeless autistic was between the inept management at the time, and the inept psychologist and the very political IEP team. The best interest at the time was not my mother or me, but a collective agenda by the professional class. “Safeguards for your child’s education” paper that came with the signed IEP, forget it, what a flipping joke! The DRCNH would’ve denied me even in those days!

I started to feel being bullied outside the typical norms – the textbook definition. I was taught by many professionals since being a teenager to respect other social stratas and be a good example – and be a leader basically. About a decade ago, I would start to see how I should not respect people in other social strata. The perceived world-class town would have skeletons in their closets. Many of the popular kids that were of the thousands that graduated over a decade were many (believe it or not) and many of these popular people would do some very inappropriate things, underage drinking, perhaps some drug use, and even better, sex. (As sick as it is, my father – whom I never knew was one of these people in a different generation.)  I think I was around 18 walking on the road I once lived on and my first time seeing a used condom on the road. It was troubling. Perhaps it was some 60something’s used the condom, but since so many young folks lived, it had to be some young punk.

As explained above, the district had an apparent liberal agenda. Great! But what about the people outside the SAU property line? The town has a very conservative constituents and some very liberal. Both cancel out each other so nearly 98% of 24,000 residents (at the time in 2000, where this narrative takes place) would have low tolerance to autistics and/or developmentally disabled people. Some of the most extreme, tight to the right politicians in this fine state – live in Londonderry.

Narcissism is very common in that community, people who use other people to bolster their “social capital” (see how Bolick’s agenda can work against autistics?) I was used on Facebook by a number of ex-friends. They knew who I was, but they only wanted me to boost their friend count. Hey, there is a thing called Linked In, if you want to advance your social count without referring them as “Friends”, you know?

These kids were far from “young professionals.”

As mentioned, they possessed a “too cool” attitude for the 603 area code. A vast majority of people I went to school with in elementary school, don’t live in the state anymore, or have zero intentions to come back (according to Facebook activity circa a few years ago) at least closer to their “hometown” they use to advance themselves. Meanwhile these young punk 30 year olds will never pay back their early education, as the school district is inching towards a $70 million dollar budget and the town government has historically been skimpy and when I moved had depreciated town services, thanks to voting for the interests of the children…which I thought was illegal in election laws…

The trauma of living in Caucasian-class, Upper Crust of New Hampshire was what formed me into massive insecurities such as “I’m not good enough” or “I shouldn’t be friends with someone who has so much education” or because I didn’t have enough socialization, that I shouldn’t be around people who have better socialization. Oh wait, where are all the twenty/thirtysomethings to socialize with who aren’t married?  Right, they abandoned the town while the lower class and hopeless autistic like I was just limped over to the larger dot on the left of the map a few years ago. 

I’m going to be blunt. I don’t hold a grunge against Londonderry per se, I’m against any rich Caucasian that is about my age who has no respect to anyone below their social strata. Many of these people really did major at UNH for partying and sex, and alchies and drugs. If you deny this truth, then you’re just defending and/or protecting these people because you like/love them. Of course, if I did any of this, I’d be thrown under the bus. The town circa a decade ago was racist/ableist, is it today? I’ll be fair and not comment because I don’t know. As with any community of rich Caucasian people, there are good people, but they are hard to come by.

What concerns me is how these people have no realistic idea of the idea of being completely disabled and be so isolated only because someone made a few critical mistakes as such individual in their younger years. Like I said before I had dozens of “Facebook friends” and I saw through it early on. Since I mentioned Facebook, using that caused depression of the Fear of Missing Out or FOMO.

Is that Facebook’s problem? No, the browser window is just another window to “the real world” that existed at Facebook’s original location in Middlesex County, girls, beer, sex and hacking (in the case of Londonderry, “hacking” can be replaced with “the hackerama” of people making large sums of cash for showing up and doing nothing in the private sector!)

Honestly, this could be a delusional view. Unlike other autistics, I’ve avoided self-diagnosis and tried to reach out to a number of professionals for mental health/ASD and few work with adults with autism. Until I have formal conformation of my insecurities, its probably heresy. The struggles of such high class/zero respect town was how my mind, physical, emotional health would be tarnished and for whatever reason I can’t elaborate, I’m still walking and trying.

I’ve made mistakes in my life. One of the regrets, was remembering where I came from, avoiding materialism, having pride and patriotism of my town I once grew up and kept my humble self. Maybe that’s why I started to toss out old pictures or threw some year books into long term storage and going to burn the most painful documentations of my early years of life. And just like any other “Ltowner” just fake the idea I had a life prior to twenty-three.

(Un)Ethical Standards 101

One of my living nightmares is seeing how people lower on the social totem pole will be getting treated like crap and people on the higher levels of the social totem pole will have 99% zero-accountability.

And the reason why I am saying this is my day program (that I am still in a few hours on a single day x/week) has been changing. I’ve been told my the manager that the program basically has to changed to meet “the State’s” rules for these programs. The abstract is basically smaller groups = more one-on-one = allegedly more accountability to staff.

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The Back Story to the Marriage to the Girl in Ballerina Flats

In 2013, I came to my senses that I’d also be a hopeless romantic. Love and autism doesn’t have to be a complicated relationship status, and sadly the recurring characters such as incompetent psychologists acting as state leaders, inadequate training (fear mongering), and possibly “following the money trail” say IDEA for an example, had a lot to do during my teenage years.

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Transitions? OMG That’s an Awesome idea…

…but why are you 10 years behind the 8 ball?

I sit on a planning committee of an annual conference for families who live in my state -the state I live in, and I sit and have to listen to a couple hours almost every month about people presenting ideas about transition planning.

And I sit there quietly like a wallflower.

I sit like I have severe autism.

I remain quiet.

I don’t like to come off as threatening or combative.

I just sit there.

And hopefully people of the intellectual class and the professional class gets their heads out of their rear ends and understand that while this is good for the second or third generation of autistics (or developmentally disabled people) in my state, the state I live in – what about the thirtysomethings who are limping around the system just trying to get through a day? Some may not be able to verbalize because they can’t put their concerns into words, or they have been severely manipulated by a bunch of racist psychologists who think its OK to ruin a child’s brain at their teenage years, and screw them off as they become adults and not have any clue what unintended consequences they do to these people.

Excuse me for being crass: I could care less about the goddamned spoiled rotten brats in special ed! Who gives a flying bleep about “the children!” What about the goddamned adults that the professionals could care less about?

I wished I wasn’t a monster, but I sadly became one in many ways thanks to the goddamned idiots running SAU 12, GLEC and dare I say “Doctor” Teresa Bolick who with all their failures caused me to become a scary person. Now I know why people run away from me. It’s these nitwits that should be on death row!

The controlled rants are over. 🙂

If you’re new to this site, let me be clear: I live in a state where we were the first in the nation to close a statewide “school” for autistic like people; but its also the same state where people have pushed “progressive” agendas that have resulted in “regressive” actions. I also live in the most richest towns probably per capita and those communities have absolutely zero tolerance for people with developmental disabilities (if you are under the age of say 21.) You (or your child, your “friend” from elementary school, or family member) has basically been hopeless since entering middle school; and some of these people have been hopeless as early as the end of the 20th Century. 

“It’s too like Laconia” – Is Community Based Supports a Reversed “Cookie Cuttered” System?

I’m going to pop a question: Is “Community Based Supports” just a glorified word for a reversed cookie-cuttered system?

I’m not an advocate, but I am active in the special needs community more than I have before. Some families have opted to keep their children or individuals to be in what some will say it resembles of Laconia State School. It’s even scandalous to the point where the Bureau of Developmental Services will question families or agencies because the federal funds are supposed to be used in “community based supports.”

But why in the hell are we telling families what they can or cannot do? Isn’t just as bad if authorities tell every family to put their able bodied child into an institution because that’s a one sized fits all?

The problem with the group-think of the out of state special interest groups, is families can have a “choice” but that “choice” may differ to what the family feels living in their own closed-minded community.

It is very important to focus on the state I live in, and that Pittsburg is very diferent to Salem; just like how Claremont is very different to say Dover. The problem is all the “progressive”, “let’s take down Laconia like places for our own political capital!” doesn’t go well for the entire state.

The progressive movement will refuse to believe any “regressive” agendas (such as lack of training, tolerance or understanding) in actually the largest communities in the state, just an hour north of the Boston, Massachusetts city line.

And that’s the real problem. People can talk all day about forcing other adults to accept autistics, but the problem is you cannot, and will not change a vast majority of adults of how they view developmentally disabled people. 

Also many autistics, or Dev Disabled people, stick to their own group. If they feel comfortable being in their own groups (say a Special Olympics outing/event), then why are you insisting that’s “not good enough”?

Sadly a lot of this agenda comes from the many special interest groups, which I’ll leave nameless, but any of them on US302, NH Route 3 and the side streets of Downtown Concord, which I think you got the picture.

Why I’m not in a Career

I’ve just joined Instagram about a few months ago. In fact the reason why I didn’t have such account was that I was running a 3 year old operating system and a phone that would barely handle iOS7. I got a new iPhone in June (5s, 16GB on a LTE network.) My first “SOS” for help from “adults” was in late that month when made the “#HopelessAutistic” on the sand, with a signature on the lower right, to claim a picture esque moment. When I noticed the two younger ladies doing something with their phones, I wasn’t sure where it would go.

So to be “ahead of the curve”, I posted it on Instagram, after registering an account.

The account had morphed into criticizing the Town government, selfies of hopelessness, and technology, mostly of telephony.

A reciprocal follower named patch_cord_pbx, a person, thing or it from the area (from what I can gather) asked me this recently:

“[Avaya’s IP Office] Server edition is crazy awesome @stevenclickford ,, your interest is great why don’t you work for telecom[?]”

I did not respond because I felt there was much needed story to go without posting it all on Instagram.

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Police, Autism Speaks, and Anti-Autism Agendas

This blog, I found from a conversation I had with someone on Twitter who was offended by an earlier post on one word I used to describe a significant advocate. (Of which I standby, because people use words to describe things and if they’re unsure, well what other words can they describe…lighten up.)

I want to post something positive from this writer. On the blog, a post last month described their frustrations against a walk at the National Mall in D.C.  As with many of the autistic advocates, they have pushed the same narrative over and over “Autism Speaks doesn’t allow anyone with autism to speak and they let only 4% of the budget to go to families and/or individuals”. This makes people like me sleepy of hearing the same thing over and over and over.

However, these individuals were targeted by police. Let’s quote a paragraph on this issue:

The people who donate to Autism Speaks, by and large, don’t know any of this. I spent the majority of the protest talking to people and handing out informational flyers. Almost all of the people I interacted with were shocked at how poorly Autism Speaks serves autistic people. Others were happy to learn why some people don’t like the organization, as they had been curious. A few people brushed us off entirely. We didn’t press them. Most of our group stood silently, occasionally making friendly gestures.

here’s what gets interesting:

Then, the rally organizers called the police. I don’t know what the Autism Speaks organizers told the officers about us. Given the amount of hostility we faced, it probably wasn’t good. 3 armed police officers were sent to deal with 6 people holding damp cardboard signs. They told us to move to a less visible spot across the street. After a quick discussion with Rachel Best, the leader of the Autistic Self Advocacy Network DC chapter, we decided to comply with the officers’ request. We tried to move to a different location with better visibility. We were told to move again. The second time, we were told that if they saw us again, they would arrest us.

Now lastly, this is how not to advocate:

 This was not my first protest. This was, however, different from any other protest I’ve been to. When I marched with Black Lives Matter and Slutwalk, there were hundreds of us. We filled the streets. We obstructed traffic. I felt powerful. I felt like I was making a difference. Being one of a handful of protesters standing against an event that attracted thousands was demoralizing. I was happy to spend time with other Autistic people, but I couldn’t help feeling some despair. When there are so many of them and so few of us, how can we change anything?

You cannot just block traffic, and act like a brat and be above the rules. What this advocate did in the first two paragraphs are within reason, and why did the police question or threaten arrests? This is one side of a story, there maybe another side.

I wanted to post this because I want to prove the Merrimack, NH Police Department and the Merrrimack, NH Town Council that my advocacy against Autism Speaks (Not “ANTI-Autism Awareness”) was within reason – and I am not one of those people cited above. I don’t care if you are black, a lesbian, severely autistic, suffer with CP, you must follow the rules, and always listen to the cops. If you want to question them, you do it after the fact. Social media and email in my case made my problem worse. In my situation, I was on town right of way, on the sidewalk, but I think what bothered the Chief of Police was I had “a camera mounted on a tripod” that caused him to question me (and insult my town – again with a number of developmentally disabled people) within an hour by Retweeting (and perhaps posting a link on Facebook) to Light it Up Blue. And all emails I’ve sent were professional and didn’t contain threats or inappropriate languages.

If you want to be taken seriously, you must follow what these individuals or what I did. Stay on point, change the narrative at times, and understand that some people may still believe in Autism Speaks and sadly you can’t change their views. All you have to do is move on and hope to find other people who share the same thoughts.

Health Issues of being a Hopeless Autistic

Since my teenage years, my health resulted in two major issues (since resolved)

  • Severe acne, (due to a large dairy intake), which resulted in migrating away from day to day dairy intake, to the infamous acne medication which can cause massive issues if you accidentally knocked up a woman (which I’m forgetting the name and the FDA program for a moment)
  • A case of an underbite. My mother has kicked herself for not addressing the problem sooner, and this also caused my teeth to be worn because of grinding at night. Regardless, we waited to get a mouth guard till I went on a surgery that moved my upper jaw forward along with a second round of braces. This also rebooted my confidence and gave me a smile that people remember me when I was younger. The underbite (or TMJ) made my face look very different. While the surgery was for substance, not worrying about “jaw clicking”, etc., this was necessary.

Both cases were from my father’s genes/side of the family. I’m not going to finger this on the father I have no idea who the hell he is, and not the diet, that is stereotypical autistic diet, but more of what happened in 2004 to 2008.

I was on some medications I shouldn’t had been on to begin with. The medications caused me more anxiety and paranoia, that I feel had a contributing factor to why I was not developing like my other teenage peers. The fear of messing up, the fear of being targeted for mistakes, the fear of being a creep among remaining in one piece for 7+ hours on weekdays factor in my legitimate case of autistic behaviors had perhaps 80% of the physical damage on both the acne and underbite – again even if it was genetic from my father. 

I’ve made a lot of notes from recollection of those painful years (in some cases the worst years of my younger adult life) to convert that energy from pain to preventable measures. And those doctors are well aware of that.

Where I am going at is despite all the analytical gathering I’ve complied and made conclusions; of if I changed my diet, laid off medications, and alike, that I wouldn’t be where I would become. No, I do believe a very oppressive, and depressive support system, that was “support” in legal name only had a lot to do with my regression. (And no, I’m not talking about just the regression of my first 16 months out of school ether.)  I’m almost as smart, bright or functioning as some of my peers of 10 years ago today. I could’ve had a brighter future if it weren’t for being in a system where people had no business working in.

These treatments were very expensive and luckily my mother’s healthcare plan had me in the system because of my “pre existing conditions” that basically, in my mothers recollection began months after birth.

Estimates of an autistic’s lifespan for services and medical expenses alike will average $2 to 3 million dollars. Do I want to be a million dollar man? No. If you put adequate supports with people who really mean what they are doing, professionals who only care about the students when they are “on the clock” and aren’t just following the robotic SOPs, and poor planning in logistics, etc., maybe some people wouldn’t need to go to Boston and stay a few nights or go into a very complex anti acne treatment. Maybe my teeth wouldn’t be as short as it is.

Of course, my solution to the problem is, love, respect, happiness, and mitigating problems over “curing” but of course showing respect to students would be “unprofessional” as they have to be the control freaks because by law that’s what they get paid to do, destroy your dreams “say no” because “you’ve never heard ‘n’ or ‘o’ too many times” and other BS which needs to be destroyed.