Tag Archives: Hopeless Autistic

Divided Special Needs “Teams” = Hopeless Autistics

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I laugh about how there are IEP “team meetings” because in reality, there apparently is an “I” in the word team.

At least on the special ed level, and least in some areas in the Granite State.

Again in some areas, the culture in the special ed system, is all about silos, firewalls and safety mechanisms to protect each others interest. Unless you have the luxury of having an advocate involved, you’re out of luck.

I really am saddened how the New Hampshire special education and special needs system is all political. Sadly in your child’s live its not like Speaker of the House Tip O’Neil (D, Mass) and President Ronald Reagan (R) where they had differences, but worked in the best interest of the United States. On a very nano level, an IEP team is more divided than a political caucus. What’s more disturbing is the politics are more divisive when the child is in that grey years of 18 to 21.

There is no such thing as unity, unification, a common goal for the individual themselves. It’s political exploitation, manipulation and not enforcing basic IDEA rights and getting away with it only because the family is too ignorant or too poor to take legal action. Perhaps being too scared for recourse by the school systems.

This type of division I am a victim of. I use present tense, because the chars of glass that was broken in the high school years have not been put fully back together.

The system is broken. We need to stop having the professionals think about what they want from the child, and be open to what child or family wants. The disruption to the existing system should’ve began 10 to 15 years ago, but of course, politics stalled this. Now we need to enforce this disruption of service delivery so this nightmare of hopeless autistics can stay as a bad dream instead.

Help from a Doctor that Knows Adult Autism!

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2017 Preface: These sets of concerns had dated over a year before, hence it sits in the 2014 category.

Unlike Asperger’s Syndrome types who claim they have “Aspergers by self-diagnosing”, I for one won’t stoop down such levels. I’ve tried to find a therapist, a doctor, (an MD or dare I say a “PhD”) and there hardly is anyone skilled with autism for adults.

Everything is for “the children” but adults with autism are being just treated the same exact way as the first generation (births between 1987 to 1992/3) because for whatever reason there is a lack of resources for adults. They know what’s happening to “the children” because when the said groups become adults – this is what they will be expecting. So if that is the case, why not wait? And why are you letting the first generation suffer? Why in the hell in 21st Century, could autism been the first case of civil rights of progressive actions unlike Down’s (which took too many centuries too long) to address? And, with all the technology in the world (the Web, Internet, PCs, cable networks, etc.) are we still addressing like its the 1960s, of slow actions, misleading information in the media; why does society have regressive radical opinions like how the 60s was in general?  

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Obamacare and Autistics – Perfect Match To Work?

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I do not believe a socialized system has sustained for over a generation without falling apart completely. In the UK, their socialized healthcare system has been proven to be deadly, and while some “Aspies” will say “what’s wrong, everything seems to be good”. Well have they read papers like the Daily Mail? Oh wait, that’s a “racist”, “conservative” outlet.

You can never win to these people.

I digress.

While I do personally believe Obamacare (a.k.a. the “Affordable Care Act”) is not the best option for America (due to its problems from the very beginning) one can’t help to take advantage of working less than 32 hours a week without meeting the requirements to be eligible for Obamacare.

Granted my last job I had was about 8 months before Obama got elected, and I was working about 20 or so hours. I’ve used that as a barometer for attempts for jobs that would be perfect for Obamacare (retail, service jobs, etc.)

However, when I go to my local Uno’s or go to any store at the local mall, I don’t see many people with a visible disability. At a chain (or even a mum and pop restaurant) it’s ether lesser people or most ordering is placed through a glorified tablet (hopefully not an Android, but I fear it is one!)

Many people with a developmental disability could be taken advantage in a positive way to “contribute to society” and many would be willing to work in such sectors.

The question is… where are they? And are these companies taking advantage (positively) to hire these people to comply with Obamacare/ACA?

Well I popped that question to the state’s head of Vocational Rehabilitation last spring at an annual family support conference in front of hundreds of people.

I was told by her that there was a study the Federal Government was supposed to release, but apparently it’s been kept from the public, essentially.

Hey what about President Obama’s promise for an open and transparent government? And I thought he was supposed to be accommodating to people with developmental disabilities?

And where’s the outrage?

Basically I’ll end with the bumper sticker-esque line (which is true in my case) “Don’t Blame Me, I voted for McCain!” and “Don’t Blame Me, I voted for Mitt!”

“Ableism”, Trouble Making, and you people have a life?

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2017 Update:  I was on other parts of social media at this time too. There are many people who have higher functioning autism that you can’t tell them and a special-snowflake or a Social Justice Warrior apart. Prior to 2016, ether SJW or special snowflakes were not in the lexicon. 

The common problem with any advocate (including the anti-vaxxers is the ability to run away from their problems from time to time. Being razor sharp on such issues all the time is perhaps the very same reason why there is frivolous cases of “ableism” here and there. 

The problem is so many, they do not have a life. Life other than throwing rocks at opposing’s windows. 

Before I start, I should disclose, that I do feel that I myself, and perhaps others have become a victim of being discriminated by “ableism.” These Asperger’s types have gone so far to make “ableism” to be put on steroids. While there is discrimination, and abuse, there are more healthy ways instead of using University type of language in the tone of anger. I’ll even say for myself, it may not make me go anywhere…which is why I try to redirect the energy to reform. Oh I’m not sure if “reform” is an OK word.

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Denial by the local Disability Rights Center

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2017 Preface: The actions by the DRC was yet another lesson I learned about authority, the boundaries and the ability that anyone in Concord (as the DRC is a special interest group) can also talk to their fellow people like children. As I gotten beaten up in 2015, I learned the hard way that authorities are as hard as our state’s bedrock, where the state and local government is also part of the “Granite” State…hehehe!

The DRC gets tons of requests blah, blah, blah is a load of crap. Yeah tell me that when I call them and was rushed like it was my fault for not understanding.

The next consecutive denial in the Merrimack NH Police Department debacle was the legal assistance organization in Concord called the Disability Rights Center. The organization is a delusional special interest group that thinks New Hampshire is still progressive in special needs services, and yet there was no such thing is discrimination and racially biased police departments.

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Denial by the Merrimack Town Council

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In the previous posts, I tried to stand by my words, that if the Chief of the Merrimack, NH Police Department wouldn’t reverse the inappropriate Tweet that came from an organization that had previously allowed people to state double-murder suicide, that I’d report him to the Town Council.

To say that my life has been everything but rejection would be an understatement. This “denial” letter came through certified mail by the “Chairman” Nancy Harrington. (I do not know how s/he/it identifies them self because she closes the letter as “Chairman”.)

The letter was addressed to me as “Mr.”, the redacted address piece began with “Mr.” and the opening began with “Mr.” – what in the f*** are these people think, they run Congress? This is a goddamned town council of a small town, why in the hell do people have to refer to each other as surnames unless they are sociopaths and not care for humans and treat the citizens like they are animals?

Unfortunately the robotic, lawyer assisted-type of emails kind makes me think the board does treat their citizens like animals.

Now onto the substance of the letter, “Ms. Harrington” claims that such concerns is a violation of the Town Ordinance because my concerns should be addressed to the Town Manager, and as you can read below, they stand by their woman. In the earlier post where I also called out the Town Manager for improper actions, they said it would be deferred to the their legal counsel with a final decision. Ms. Harrington also instructed me to “forward” any additional evidence to her (i.e. pass papers like passing the buck.)

She told me because its personnel matters, the board is not allowed to give me all the information relevant to this complaint, which is garbage because I wished they could’ve taken this as a public safety concern to all the developmentally disabled population of the Town of Merrimack.

She also expected the citizen to be cooperative and understanding. I think common sense (that isn’t a law) would basically be the opposite. I thought Merrimack people had common sense, but the Town government runs very different than other towns and they are very legalese. They can choose to stop acting legalese, its a choice not a requirement.

Below is the original letter

merrimack letter

Pioneering Social Media with DevDisabilities

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Being a Millenial myself (even though I’m a lot different than most of my peers in the same generation), I’ve grown up on mostly graphical (or as I say visual) user interfaces, the Web, Instant Messaging and Social networking or social media.

With my delays in life, I didn’t socialize that much online till my teenage years. I’ve also never went on list-serves because it would advertise my identity. My mother overprotected me and was afraid people would take advantage of me. The teachers were too old to use AIM by a few years. The only social media they knew was Match. Other lessons were basically biased as if the individual was already convicted for being a creep. Positivity with social media or social networking is hard to come by. Not only that but card-carrying women who say computers are boy things, and whining about how complicated they are and not understanding the platform or application doesn’t help matters ether,

Otherwise:

I knew about “relationship statuses” way before it became into the lexicon.

I knew about “MySpace friends” before Facebook Myspaced them and then had “Facebook friends”

I knew the “friends” I’d talk to were never going to be real life friends as early as 2007 and 08.

I knew it.

Over the years, I’ve embraced social media instead. Assuming you don’t use it to be-friend people. If you know risks (and about 95% my cases I know my risks) you should be fine. Pay attention to URLs against “screen names” and like how I got my Avaya PBX, I did a two-step challenge, (“enlighten me” and paid through PayPal until I received it) and just don’t offend people.

I’ve used Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, several other blogs on the autism subject (no longer online) and a few online boards.

What I’ve learned with social media is

  • It is the modern day CB/HAM equivalent
  • You can have some relationship but know it may not be real friends
  • That you can aggregate or send out information in a timely manner
  •  If people really value your work, they’ll contribute by sending replies or emails.
  • And emails in itself can be close, but not too close.
  • It enables transparency, and it enables people to be more open and sharing. The people who think Facebook or Twitter should be a secret diary are ones who are paranoid or corrupt

Basically you would need to know social boundaries, not go too far in conversations. This took many years for me to understand, and severed ties with real world people and the social media/stranger type people too.

The cool things you can do on social media

  • Reach out to C-listed celebs like Max Robbins, the former TV guy on The Howie Carr Show, news talent like Phil Lipof from WCVB (and WABC-TV in NY) who totally embraces his fans and social media. I still get a kick how local TV media will embrace feedback (even if its “inside baseball” type of Tweets)
  • Complain about a company, brand, service, etc and get somewhat of an immediate response (but don’t bitch for the sake of bitching is my rule of thumb)
  • Make movements and be an agent of change
  • If you are news or media junkie, Twitter (or Facebook) is like the poor mans’ wire service.

I do know that I may not have many friends, I’m aware of it and I know I’m a difficult person. I’ve settled with that. But there is so much negativity about it, that some times people need to find the positives in the world of cyber media.

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Who Inspires me and What Makes me Happy?

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No person I am inspired or is aspired to and nothing makes me happy.

Why?

Because autistics traditonally are not supposed to be happy or be inspired. We are supposed to live by a specification sheet, or in simple terms be judged and perform to what the DSM defines my group. We aren’t people, we are cans having a damned label slapped on us, whether its literal or not. It’s the stigma that enables that literal label slapped on people like me.

I made a really stupid and naive decision to follow the “normal” people in Londonderry, some people I knew on and off since elementary school. The price? Didn’t get funding for nearly 16 months after my 21st birthday and was put on that infamous “Wait List”

I’m going to give Londonderry in general a bad name (despite knowing a lot of people in power in that said community) – they are a “world class town.” It’s a stepping stone community. The rural town of farmers were forced out by the rich Caucasian people, whom always look down at the rank and file class, if that can’t be sinful enough. The stupid Marching Lancers go all over the world and look down at anything in their own community (such as a ribbon cutting of the Airport Access road, one of the competing communities did the marching ceremonies a few years back.) The mostly rich Caucasian parents, mostly Baby Boomers, didn’t keep a close leash on these kids. Any dream, they were entitled to chase after. Any! No joke! And a vast majority of Londonderry High School graduates in the entire decade of the 2000s (I’ll go out of a limb and say 96% out of the thousands)  are not living anywhere within the borders of the 603 area code. These goddamned hipsters think they are too cool for this little state, and I guess I saw something of these rich caucasian brats, but couldn’t verbalize beyond just “snotty people” about a decade ago.

In their defense, many of these kids were bright, some were very skilled in STEM even before there was an acronym. Some of the kids were artsy, some were techie. And I thought well since I was techie, and artsy and wrote well, why can I compete? Well, I always sucked in sports till I was about 18 (if that wasn’t a clear sign of a “pervasive developmental disorder”, then I don’t know what is…)

I never discounted myself. I did feel uncomfortable when people would be so surprised to see how “smart” I was. To this day, I still don’t know what the barometer, if people really expected anyone with an autistic disorder to be completely idiotic or obscenely intelligent. By no means was I “faking it” ether, I was just trying desperately to fit in. Now I’m almost hitting 30, I’ve given up the idea of fitting in.

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Back on “inspiration”. There were few groups of people that I thought it was worth learning from and to aspire their idea of dreams. This included normal people and even people with severe disabilities. I learned one day at the campus of my out of district program was learning something of AP classes and this individual was in a wheel chair. Then I had that friend with alleged case of Asperger’s then my normal “Ltown” friends.

It wasn’t till I was about 20 where I ether had to play dumb, or literally limit my dreams to the “spec sheet” known as my official diagnosis in the DSM IV (since this was 2007 afterall.) Being too optimistic was another bad choice. Looking normal at the largest “area agency” in the state was apparently politically incorrect or I insulted the mission of the organization. (This is the same place I wrote earlier that had fancy office furniture and cloud based computer systems (before there was a “cloud” and a Meridian 1 PBX, with an employee count of 300 people, of only a few would be end users – all with some publicly funded way, would imagine…)

On the interest front, I never am confident of saying what I like. Often because I like what everyone else doesn’t like, and the other’s likes are not the same as mine. If you want to put this into flippin’ perspective, I don’t gel well with my own demented peer groups! So don’t go there with the stereotyping “Steven, go check out a peer group!”

The interests I like do not logically match up to other people like me or even normal people. It makes me look very dare I say odd?

But the other biggest error that I think haunts me to some way, was reaching out to one of the most tight to the right conservatives begging to fund the Medicaid waivers (i.e. the day services) for the wait list. I was overly optimistic. I looked back at it and said How can I be so positive and ask for funding? The liberal psychologist I’ve referred to also would become one of the most negative influences. That was why I fired her and will try to revoke her license myself in the future. I’ve shredded that letter and still retain a Word copy on a file server due to very strict compliance rules, since someone in society needs to keep everything….

I’m not the brightest person in the room. I do come off stupid, and ignorant at times. I am not smart enough to be in college, and if that I could do a 4 year in 8 years. I couldn’t handle the “tolerance” of the local colleges, because they’ll tolerate an illegal alien over an illegal-hypehenated-alien (i.e. I think I was conceived by aliens from outer space type of alien.)

In other cases, I am too smart as well. I know too much of everything and that doesn’t look well in the optics front. I must retain a perfect image 99.999% of the time, because oh my gawd, if I make a mistake, I’lll always be remembered for the error, not the strengths.

When I transferred to another area agency upon moving out of HelLtown at the end of 2009, I’ve tried to move forward. But the scars from the first years of adult life have continued to haunt me.

I do blame a lot of this on a broken support system that didn’t favor the individual, and people having their own political agendas of where I wanted to go. I never ever, heard “be yourself” or “normal is overrated”, I had to “conform” and probably “assimilate” to the normal peer group. I bet 50 years ago, they would literally put a gun to my head. Where did all this hard work go indoctrinated by “Doctor” Teresa Bolick, SAU 12 and GLEC alI go? Nowhere.

Do I want to be writing this kind of stuff on a personal site focusing on my somewhat aspiring profession? No. Because allegedly “my heart” (supposedly  that is a synonym for a “gut instinct”) says it wants “to do the right thing” but the brain is telling me something else. And the brain is telling me to stay on the safe side of living in my house for 18 hours a day, and avoid doing anything “big” since “dreams” really don’t exist.  It’s all illogical in world that was indoctrinated to me there is a right and wrong; black and white with no gray matter. I was programmed to be a person like a spec sheet. I was not supposed to be a human at all. I’m a robot. I’m whatever the DSM says, if I am mentally retarded then so be it.

* * *

(On a side note, I’ve tried to seek additional help, basically a very, very informal “re evaluation” to see how broken I am. I’ve tried to see a genetic doctor, and is denied by my stupid healthcare plan; I’ve tried to meet with some doctors for a psychological evaluation, but that was a backoffice nightmare – they have more people in the back office than doctors themselves there! Then there was another doctor up on the other side of I89 that was recommended by the genetics doctor. I haven’t stepped forward till I got enough information if that doctor is crooked like the aforementioned one off Exit 6 in Nashua. )

When all of this is said and done, I think the conformation that my future has been shattered will come true. And as an autistic to say his life is a tragic burden, cannot be understated enough!

New Hampshire is an Autistic’s Worst Nightmare

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I was an outsider till about 21, once I went into the most corrupt area agency in the state. I didn’t get really active till about 25, and I’m still an outsider compared to the vast majority of aging Baby Boomers running many of the special interest groups or running the state agencies.

I laugh out loud wondering “what the f— are you talking about?” What in the hell do you mean by “progress”?

And why in the hell is all these workshops on “Transition planning”, guardianship, the transition post high school? Who gives a rat’s ass about those brats? They are in the minority.

So if you are almost 30, it’s still a living nightmare. Why? Because those same stupid Boomers knew that people would “fall off the cracks” but were too arrogant to do anything because they knew everything!

WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAMNED 30 YEAR OLDS WHO HAD TO LIMP ON THEIR OWN TWO FEET AROUND A CORRUPT SYSTEM WHERE KELLY (NOT RELATED TO STEVEN) AYOTTE WOULDN’T THROW THE BOOKS THESE CORRUPT AGENCIES AT THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, BUREAU OF DEVELOPMENTAL SERVICES, AND ALL THE SAU-S WHO DIDN’T FOLLOW RSA 91-A?

Yup, I think that’s why New Hampshire isn’t the place to be if you have autism. Especially when you’re in your 30s. Maybe the evil demons should make you jump into the river of hopeless hell unless the intellectual idiots can smarten up!

Reflecting, Figuring Out My In/Abilities and Moving Forward

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I’ve realized in the last 10 years, out of the last 7 I did some massive reflections, but was that a good thing? I say yes.

Why?

Because sometimes in life, you need to look back and see what you done, why things “in the moment” went a certain way to move forward.

Because finding professional help is hard to come by in my state (and as I’ve stated before, I live in a civilized region…) so in the meantime I’ve not self-diagnosed myself per se, but I’ve tried to analyze what’s wrong with me, find a professional, confirm what I’ve been through then report back as a record to my area agency and the state’s DHHS.

My initial plan was figure out, if it was me or something else. Something else could be the system, the people I’m working with or again something outside of my control. These emotions and sensations date as far back as early 2011, and have accelerated especially in the last year, at the time where I’ve been trying to find help. I’ve been previously burned by several significant “experts” in this area, so to rebuild trust with 8 year people would take time.

I also never thought of using a search engine to find out people’s records. It goes back to the upbringing of “trusting the people” or the “professionals”, why would you search someone? Why would you search for your future date? Such actions would be “I think you’re a creep, and I want to be safe” – isn’t that showing weakness or lack of initial trust?

After being burned by the “experts”, I’ve used search engines, Wikipedia, WebMD and compile a network of data, and verify those sources and then have a conclusion. I’m one of information is power, but I also want confirmation of how able I am, how much I am a risk to myself, to others financially, psychologically, a burdon to others, etc.

People say I have a confidence problem, I say I’m borderline, and I don’t make that up. One instance I could be on the level of high functioning, but I could be risky in others. I have done various state required assessments, but it’s not like school with the infamous “3 year” reevaluation. Basically “labels” become illrelevent, but with the Managed Care coming forward to the day services, maybe it will be relevant again.

I’m not trying to shoot myself down, but I also don’t want to glorify myself ether. If I am not honest with myself, then I wouldn’t be honest with you and that not be a good healthy service to you, the reader, or the people in my life. But also I do not tolerate blaintent lies, complete defamation against me with unconfirmed facts. If you do something like that, then you have no business to be in my life ether.

I used to say I’m a complicated PDF document of 8,000 pages, and has gotten to the point I can’t figure myself out – at all. Again, if there is hope, someone will figure me out so I can move on, so perhaps others can feel the same.

One hopes.