Tag Archives: New Hampshire

Merrimack (NH) Police Department’s “ANTI-Autism” Agenda

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2017 Preface: this has been edited to redact names of individuals despite them being public officials. New Hampshire regulations have limited First Amendment protection against anyone under authority as I learned in 2016.

However as of this past April the Merrimack Police Department’s social media pages did not use the LIUB campaign. (But may had a huge impact after mocking the Retweet on a poster sized board outside of my house basically holding the department’s feet to the fire…is that proper to say?)

For outsiders looking in the various parties made errors.

You can fight Town Hall, but sometimes you can win the fight, and sadly you’ll loose and that idiom lives to its name.

As of November 2015, I’ve given up the fight from defamation, insensitive actions by my local police department and have avoided being in my community because of the continued fear of people in uniform.

The situation involved the town  Merrimack, New Hampshire Police Department and an initial innocent interaction of the Chief of Police, in April 2015 who I alleged took advantage of my disorder and used it against me in a police report I had no idea was written.

The rest of this post would be the original narrative I was going to read for the record to the Merrimack, NH Town Council, who had denied my request to go onto an agenda item because of personnel reasons and that they stand by their woman, the Town Manager and their man, the Chief of Police,

I’m here before the Council with deep regret to report what I believe is misconduct by public officials against their own citizen. This is not how I want to start my first public statements in this community.

In about the next several minutes; I’ll be discussing two events that occurred on April 1st and 2nd, and another series of events April 27th and the 28th. I’ll explain myself for a little bit; walk you through the two events and request a call for action – sadly after 6 months of the fact.  I ask for you to please listen through the whole narrative and reserve reactions, remarks or clarifications after. I need to stress the importance that the story will tell itself and all the details need to be explained without interruption. If you do get “lost”, refer to EXHIBIT A* of the Outline of Events. I will refer to the people by their title and not by name, to ensure compliance of RSA 91a without needing to be in a non public meeting. The story will be told in real time, from those two events.

* 2017 Footnote: I did this because New Hampshire is a very formal and legalese state, I basically danced along to get along.

I moved to Merrimack for a number of reasons; a better quality of life and being closer to areas like Nashua and the Mondonack regions for travel and leisure.  I also am one of the many residents in this jurisdiction who has a developmental disability and who’s also not a child ether. I am one of many who had moved ether in town or elsewhere in the Nashua region to receive services as other area agencies have not serve me as I would like to. I’ve had early signs of an autistic disorder as early as a few months. I was in an early education program when I was around 3 and was non verbal before I turned 5. I was diagnosed formally at 7 and was mentioned to me directly when I was 12. I was placed out of district and went to a program in the Seacoast and a program in Massachusetts which made me evolve from a happy, friendly boy to a scared to death, sometimes bitter old man.

The rest of this story is not all “rosey”, it should hit a nerve. I like many others of my type stayed in the school system till 21. Some areas had great “transition plans” between the SAU and the area agencies and some had not. I was the victim of the latter. I had no true transition plan, and the last three months of school put me into deep nightmare. Factor being on the state’s “wait list” for nearly 16 months, I had continued to struggle transitioning to adult life in the community. As a result of a real life nightmare, it has put my life into a screeching halt that has yet to be fully turned around.

For many years I’ve been a victim of prejudice and inaccurate judgment thanks to the general leadership or the lack thereof on the subject on autism – in this little state of New Hampshire. While I am in a “day program” now and trying to get into a work study program; the day to day living and being out in the community is like having an X on my back. Unlike other “advocates” my stories are often the unfortunate realities of an oppressive special needs system, where adults should not be focused, and all resources should be in the special ed departments at the local school districts. And dealing with many stereotypes that all autistics are lost little boys, or very big and fat socially awkward people. You never hear a lot of positive messaging here in this state.

The State of New Hampshire’s Bureau of Developmental Services has believed for adults with all types of disabilities to live in their own community, instead of being in state schools or institutions; services should be provided in their own community and live with their own people.  Federal laws are also going to move to “community based supports” going into effect in a few years.

However, as the cliche goes, it takes community to build a village. If the community has various views that might have bias against the group of developmental disabilities; then this would break the framework of what the state wants out of their citizens. This framework is far from complete, as the system still has lingers of stereotypes and individuals could be getting better treatment and services, but this is not part of the discussion tonight.

With that introduction, I’d like to discuss the events that has lead me to address this to the Town Council.

APRIL 1st (Citizen reaches out to fellow citizens to NOT LIUB and/or NOT support Autism Speaks)

On April 1st, the day before World Autism Awareness Day (and where most of the state was in Concord to protest against budget cuts for the disabled), I decided as a citizen of his own community, he should wake up the locals to not “Light It Up Blue” . LIUB is essentially to get people to buy blue colored light bulbs at the local Home Depot, as they have been a corporate sponsor of Autism Speaks, which in return is the sponsor of LIUB. I went on Industrial Drive literally on the median/island to ensure I was within town DPW or NHDOT right of way and not near any private properties such as the Merrimack Premium Outlets or Fidelity Investments, as such demonstration probably would’ve required permission by lawyers. So as a result, I obviously used common sense and made sure I was within reasonable grounds to practice my constitutional rights.

I used a DSLR camera (which has the ability to record video) to tape me with my iPad with a video message with mostly brief words and pictures in silence in sync to It’s a Very, Mad, Mad World (mixed in post production.) This was originally was uploaded to a inactive YouTube account that I once used.  The three minute “package” was designed to be professional looking including a “roll cue”, chyron like lower thirds explaining why I was doing this, and about myself in general etc. As a result of most Apple products, direct sunlight or daylight doesn’t mix well, and the fall back was to show hand written signs with spiffy wording and heavy on probationary symbols with blue light bulbs or the single puzzle piece to inform the locals to not LIUB. The shots showed me standing up and holding the signs, mixed with shots of people driving by.

The goal was to get people talking, because chances were people would tune to the news, go onto Facebook and then maybe text someone and say “Hey I saw a guy in town with some message about Autism Speaks or to not Light It Up Blue”.

All this was done at the time what I felt was within my rights as well as trying to contribute to his own community and try to make a mark in life.

LIUB was created and fully marketed by Autism Speaks. Founded 10 years ago by an ex NBC Universal chairman, the organization evolved very quickly from good intentions to severe unintended consequences. They’ve framed the autism disorder as if every single individual is like a “tragic burden” (described by self-advocacy groups), or that all people with autism are lost little boys or they just run away and that your kid won’t have a prosperous future and the autistic kid would be responsible for divorce. It is not to say this could be true, it’s messaging isn’t objective. The war on the autism narrative between AS, the National Autism Association (NAA), the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) would make advocacy groups for juvenile AIDS, diabetes, or cancer groups jealous. The subject of the autism spectrum disorder has a lot of money and power and control up for grabs between these groups. Autism Speaks never has allowed anyone on the autism spectrum (including those who are non verbal) to even speak about their disorder – themselves. They are doing the speaking for them, which really doesn’t allow the disorder to speak for itself.

This type of misinformation caused on a national level is possibly causing an autism crisis here in the Granite State in terms of funding and service delivery for not children, but adults, such as the “first generation” types who are in their mid to late 20s, some even in their 30s

It is very important to know that autism is short for the autism spectrum disorder and is a wide range of abilities or inabilities; some can be verbal, some may not; some will run away, some may not; some may have pre-existing physical impairment or have mental disorders and be dually diagnosed.

One of the signs I also tried to show was for people to go onto YouTube and look for Autism Everyday.  Searching this term online can give you related terms such as “Autism Speaks Murder Suicide” “Autism Everyday Double Murder Suicide”, etc. Why?  When seeing this film; it will give you a chill down your spine. For the time constraints,  I suggest you look up the video online. This organization is basically inhumane, and we have a chief law enforcement officer with a simple retweet and indirectly supported an organization that believes in murder against a human race.

Again, the purpose of this demonstration was to wake people up from believing in the stereotypical propaganda spewed by Autism Speaks.

APRIL 2nd (Run in with the Chief of Police and Twitter interaction)

The following day, on April 2nd, I did a similar demonstration on the intersection at Amherst & Continental and at Greeley & Camp Sargent. Again, I held these signs on the sidewalk which I thought at the time was within the right of way.  Around 12:50 to 12:55, I was at the sidewalk by Burger King and turned my back and my attention was called by a man that looked like the Chief of Police. His tag stated “M. Doyle” and was fully uniformed with firearms, radio, etc. The Chief read a sign out loud passively which at the time I held “Auti$m $peaks Does Not Speak to any Autistics At All!! Don’t Light Your House Blue!”

The concern apparently from the police department’s point of view was my camera as he asked what I was doing with the camera. I asked 2 times if I broke any rules (such as non-compliance of doing the demonstrations or taping drivers or myself in public.) I told him it would be used for private use. ( I would in fact upload the video package on YouTube then later take them down in the fear of legality concerns.)

He asked me if I needed any assistance and to call the department. The exchange was civil, but I was skeptical. When the Chief went back into his car, he got into a gold Ford Five Hundred sedan with a civilian license plate, and not the state mandated Municipal Police plate. I kept one eye on him to show that I was being observant of my surroundings. At the time on April 2nd, that afternoon –  I was under the impression he was off duty, I found out several weeks after on the 28th he wasn’t off duty.

Screen Shot 2015-06-26 at 2.07.36 PM ETAbout an hour later, the Town’s Police Twitter account and the Chief’s Twitter account retweeted the LIUB campaign, time stamp shows it was posted around 2:20. The Police Department and Chief basically did against what I suggested my fellow citizens to do.

I felt this was a slap in the face to me and to everyone who lives in Merrimack with a developmental disorder.

As stated in the title, I attempted to interact with the Department on Twitter, by giving them the link of the day before and showing my dissent in a civil way, seen on the left. Little would I know this would be used against me.

After challenging them within civility (since I thought their Twitter or Facebook accounts weren’t used to monitor crime), I was blocked access to their Twitter. I did report the department’s account to Twitter on the subject of “encouraging self harm” per to the Autism Speaks narrative. The Retweet, at last check has not been deleted.

(For the purposes of the Hopeless Autistic, as of November of 2015, the Tweet still is online and has not been deleted by Chief Doyle’s and the account for the Police Department. Ed.)

Prior to late April, I was gathering information if there was a bias against a certain groups of people (considered to some as “ablism” or even “racism”). Part of this included a recollection from someone I knew from about 3 years ago who told me that the Merrimack PD officers that would play in off duty rec games in town and would say “retarded” very loosely – coming from a source that has zero tolerance for use of the “r-word.” After ascertaining other network of sources, I felt there was a case of bias against the developmentally disabled people in town.

APRIL 27th (Electronic Confrontation with the Chief of Police)

My folks still were not aware of what I had done a few weeks before, because as my own guardian, I feel my maternal family does not need to know every little thing in a day of my life. However, they became aware after the following events.

On the evening of April 27th, I pre planned to send an email to the Chief to confront my concerns with the department. I decided to avoid a telephone call, because I was verbally assaulted by another department head in the winter time. People have complemented me on my writing, and I thought writing a through email a serious complaint would be worthy. (Sadly, the timing couldn’t be worse as I found out the events of the Baltimore riots just before 5:00 that evening, and feared I would be framed as a police hater.)

I wrote the following:

Screen Shot 2015-06-26 at 2.16.17 PM ET

Within 5 minutes, he immediately replied the request on the last paragraph

Steven
Any reports are available by requesting same through our records division, Monday through Friday, 8A to 4P. Please let me know if you should need anything else.
Chief Mark Doyle

He doesn’t address anything else, including improper use of English on an Outlook app. My signature had my contact information, and yet my phone never rang.

I felt this response showed arrogance, because I feared perception that I was a cyber punk by the Chief.  I felt he wouldn’t want to resolve any problems or conflicts and I replied within the next 10 minutes threatening him that I would take this to the Town Council.

APRIL 28th (Failed “Call for Action” request to the Town Manager)

The following morning, realizing the next line of order is the Town Manager, not the Town Council, I escalated this concern directly to the Town Manager by forwarding the thread with the following statement. (A second paragraph has been redacted.)

Screen Shot 2015-06-26 at 2.30.37 PM ET

The Town Manager almost immediately responded back on the redacted paragraph only, and not about the Chief of Police and only replied with a single sentence.  After challenging her to respond about the complaints against the Chief;  by 9:04, a political wildfire occurred electronically.  Within 90 minutes after the initial forward –  the town exploded their side of the bridge.  The Town Manager brought up the off topic subject matter (seen below) yet again, and once more in another reply at around 11am, meanwhile speaking to me like I’m a child or if she was annoyed with me. (Is that unprofessional? 

Dear Mr. Ayotte,

As I stated this morning, I have spoken to [name redacted] and staff with regard to your complaints. I have spoken to the police chief this morning regarding your complaint as well reviewed his report. I find neither of these complaints rise to the level of action on my part.

She ends the email with the following:

Please do not expect any further communication from me on this matter

The Town Manager also carbon copied this thread to your board without my explicit permission, which I find it unprofessional for people to carbon copy others without asking for permission from the sender first. 

At the time, I did not understand what “report” the Town Manager was referring to,  initially thought of a daily briefing with department heads, but as the day went on, I would find out the Chief of Police had actually written me up as a police report even when I asked the Chief on April 2nd to confirm that I wasn’t breaking any rules – two times. As clarified by the Town Manager the following received that evening at 6:55:

There is no report between me and the chief. We spoke on the phone and he told me that he wrote up a report on his interaction with you. Would you like a copy?

I’ve spoken to state Commissioners, department heads and town managers of competing communities and was disturbed how our Town Manager closed this reply with this…

This will be my final email to you on the matter.

The story ends with the police report, according to the report it was filed within 3 hours after the encounter. I have been a law abiding citizen and never thought I’d ever get a report to express my reasonable free speech rights or the basic principal of contributing to the community and be punished with it.

Not only will I say that I never thought I’d get a report, but I will go on the record to say that the report is false I can testify against what was claimed in the report and I’ll quote the narrative part of the report in verbatim as the report contains grammar errors etc.

“On today’s date at approx. 1300 hrs., I observed a subject standing on the sidewalk, holding a sign (that, from the distance I was at, was illegible) while standing next to a camera mounted on a tripod. I noticed this same subject on the other side of Continental Blvd on the sidewalk, adjacent to the Gulf Station, yesterday, holding a sign as well.

I pulled into Burger King, parked and approached the subject, identified as ‘Steven’ who was now standing on the sidewalk on Amherst Rd. I asked him what he was doing and if he needed anything…he explained that he was taking a few selfies (video) of himself holding an ‘Autism Awareness – Light it Up Blue’ hand-written informational sign for motorists. I thanked him and advised that if there’s anything he needs from us to just call

The campaign is directed to ANTI-AUTISM awareness, as shown in this YouTube video:”

He would then would link both the Twitter and YouTube accounts (both defunct.)

The problem was, the sign stated “Auti$m $peaks Does Not Speak to any Autistics At All!! Don’t Light Your House Blue!” the video was clearly not “ANTI-AUTISM awareness” and secondly the term selfies are not used in professional video production.

More disturbing, the report was updated to have the inclusion of the above email on the evening of April 27th as a follow up  including my full name, startup business and telephone number that came from my email “signature” used for business purposes just like everyone else who uses email for professional uses. 

He said the following, quoting the same report

“On 27 April 2015, at aprox 2240 hrs. I received an email from and individual named Steven Ayotte, of Merrimack… the text of that email and my response follows (FYI: only at this time):

The Chief recklessly pasted that earlier email without appropriate redaction or deletion when posting the report and a report with improper use of grammar and cryptic languages.

The Town Manager made a major mistake for making a swift decision about me without me knowing the full story from the Town side, by attempting to shut me up at 9:30 that Tuesday morning.  Do you see how that could be questionable, and why are you continuing to defend the Town Manager by citing your charter as your board “has a vested interest” with her, can you see how there could be a problem?

Is this how Merrimack, NH address “progress” with the developmentally disabled, by targeting the said groups and then taking advantage of their potential inabilities to fight back by writing a false police report and risking his career and reputation by assuming that someone like me is naive? That even if I claim to be autistic that its ok to just take advantage of me? If this is the case, the State’s Department of Health and Human Services’ Bureau of Developmental Services needs to know because “Community Based Supports” can only work if the community is tolerant – most importantly on the municipal police level.

The story ends here and now I am going to ask the Town Council if they can begin an investigation addressing my concerns I have against the town’s Police Department, the following questions are listed below, that can be addressed at a later time.

  • I ask the Town Council to perform an investigation if the Merrimack Police Department currently or historically within the last 5 years of bias against people with developmental disorders including but not limited to the Autism Spectrum Disorder, Down’s Syndrome, Asperger’s Syndrome, Rett’s Syndrome, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), and other disorders related to developmental disabilities, as outlined in EXHIBIT C
  • Does the department considered promoting women to higher force, as they have generally have more tolerance, sympathy with the less fortunate?
  • Are there members of this force who have been trained specifically to be sensitive to members of the public who have a form of the Autism Spectrum Disorder, if so how and who did the training, and approximately how many in uniform or non uniform, such as support staff or dispatchers?
  •  Are there checks and balances (appropriate ones) to prevent fraud (like what I allege)?
  • Is it normal for a police report to have grammar issues and recklessly pasting emails without citizen knowledge and not redact personally identifiable information such as phone numbers on an email signature?
  • Similar to the Town’s Social Media Policies, does the Town have email policies on how town officials should communicate to constituents. Emails seem to be very deflective or require me to make telephone calls or use very de standardized phrases such as “Expect no further communication from me on this matter”. (this was originally part of an agenda item request for the August Town Council, but was rejected because the “chairman” wanted more information, thinking I would use it as a loophole to discuss this subject tonight.)
  • While board members will nitpick spelling and grammar errors when approving meeting minutes (spending hours annually); give time checks to open and close public hearings (when it’s actually not needed); why are details not a concern for town employees as well?
  • Has there been any complaints about “subjects” on sidewalks, similar to the high school kids doing fundraisers on a Saturday morning, putting their lives at risk? Are there reports?
  • Is the Town of Merrimack’s Social media policies apply to town employees, and if so is the Chief in violation per stated rules outlined in EXHIBIT B?
  • Is the Chief responsible for criminal defamation per to the RSA Title LXIII, Chapter 644:11 I & II as he insulted a constituency of the Merrimack, NH residents by supporting an organization that encouraged murder suicide?
  • Is the Chief responsible for violating RSA 641, and if so could he be charged or misdemeanor as outlined in EXHIBIT D?
  • An FTP IP address is shown on the police report I’ve obtained, but the “class” of that IP address is for private use. Is there multiple network cards or “gateways” that could be tied to other networks such as NCIC, a state issued crime database or the NSA? A single computer can be tied to multi types of internet connections, and how do can the public be certain that false reports are not in the eyes of other black boxes?
  • Is the Town Council serving the interests of the citizens or serving the interests of department heads?

I like to reiterate, that I never threatened any Town Employee’s life or property, other than threatening to bring the Chief’s actions to the Town Council in public, because in a sane department head, if you make such threat, you would want to talk as adults to work out a problem, and not risk loosing your career, or face jail time and loose your badge correct?

My support people at my area agency had checked against all emails and have confirmed I was within my rights both in public on April 1st and 2nd and the emails on April 27th and 28th were within reason. My family is now fully aware of the events and sadly I wished I could appear before you in another capacity.

I ask the Town Council to address this issue throughly but in a progressive manner and  update the public of any decisions. I want to prevent another incident if someone else like me wants to do something like I did. I feel like the Town of Merrimack, New Hampshire believes its not appropriate to question government officials of this municipality and will do whatever they want to throttle one’s reasonable rights by picking and choosing various classes of people and equipment they are using on right of ways.  As mentioned earlier I believe there is racism and/or discrimination on the Town’s part, and in the Police Department. The actions are something you’d expect in 1995  not in 2015.

Thank you,

 

Who Inspires me and What Makes me Happy?

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No person I am inspired or is aspired to and nothing makes me happy.

Why?

Because autistics traditonally are not supposed to be happy or be inspired. We are supposed to live by a specification sheet, or in simple terms be judged and perform to what the DSM defines my group. We aren’t people, we are cans having a damned label slapped on us, whether its literal or not. It’s the stigma that enables that literal label slapped on people like me.

I made a really stupid and naive decision to follow the “normal” people in Londonderry, some people I knew on and off since elementary school. The price? Didn’t get funding for nearly 16 months after my 21st birthday and was put on that infamous “Wait List”

I’m going to give Londonderry in general a bad name (despite knowing a lot of people in power in that said community) – they are a “world class town.” It’s a stepping stone community. The rural town of farmers were forced out by the rich Caucasian people, whom always look down at the rank and file class, if that can’t be sinful enough. The stupid Marching Lancers go all over the world and look down at anything in their own community (such as a ribbon cutting of the Airport Access road, one of the competing communities did the marching ceremonies a few years back.) The mostly rich Caucasian parents, mostly Baby Boomers, didn’t keep a close leash on these kids. Any dream, they were entitled to chase after. Any! No joke! And a vast majority of Londonderry High School graduates in the entire decade of the 2000s (I’ll go out of a limb and say 96% out of the thousands)  are not living anywhere within the borders of the 603 area code. These goddamned hipsters think they are too cool for this little state, and I guess I saw something of these rich caucasian brats, but couldn’t verbalize beyond just “snotty people” about a decade ago.

In their defense, many of these kids were bright, some were very skilled in STEM even before there was an acronym. Some of the kids were artsy, some were techie. And I thought well since I was techie, and artsy and wrote well, why can I compete? Well, I always sucked in sports till I was about 18 (if that wasn’t a clear sign of a “pervasive developmental disorder”, then I don’t know what is…)

I never discounted myself. I did feel uncomfortable when people would be so surprised to see how “smart” I was. To this day, I still don’t know what the barometer, if people really expected anyone with an autistic disorder to be completely idiotic or obscenely intelligent. By no means was I “faking it” ether, I was just trying desperately to fit in. Now I’m almost hitting 30, I’ve given up the idea of fitting in.

* * *

Back on “inspiration”. There were few groups of people that I thought it was worth learning from and to aspire their idea of dreams. This included normal people and even people with severe disabilities. I learned one day at the campus of my out of district program was learning something of AP classes and this individual was in a wheel chair. Then I had that friend with alleged case of Asperger’s then my normal “Ltown” friends.

It wasn’t till I was about 20 where I ether had to play dumb, or literally limit my dreams to the “spec sheet” known as my official diagnosis in the DSM IV (since this was 2007 afterall.) Being too optimistic was another bad choice. Looking normal at the largest “area agency” in the state was apparently politically incorrect or I insulted the mission of the organization. (This is the same place I wrote earlier that had fancy office furniture and cloud based computer systems (before there was a “cloud” and a Meridian 1 PBX, with an employee count of 300 people, of only a few would be end users – all with some publicly funded way, would imagine…)

On the interest front, I never am confident of saying what I like. Often because I like what everyone else doesn’t like, and the other’s likes are not the same as mine. If you want to put this into flippin’ perspective, I don’t gel well with my own demented peer groups! So don’t go there with the stereotyping “Steven, go check out a peer group!”

The interests I like do not logically match up to other people like me or even normal people. It makes me look very dare I say odd?

But the other biggest error that I think haunts me to some way, was reaching out to one of the most tight to the right conservatives begging to fund the Medicaid waivers (i.e. the day services) for the wait list. I was overly optimistic. I looked back at it and said How can I be so positive and ask for funding? The liberal psychologist I’ve referred to also would become one of the most negative influences. That was why I fired her and will try to revoke her license myself in the future. I’ve shredded that letter and still retain a Word copy on a file server due to very strict compliance rules, since someone in society needs to keep everything….

I’m not the brightest person in the room. I do come off stupid, and ignorant at times. I am not smart enough to be in college, and if that I could do a 4 year in 8 years. I couldn’t handle the “tolerance” of the local colleges, because they’ll tolerate an illegal alien over an illegal-hypehenated-alien (i.e. I think I was conceived by aliens from outer space type of alien.)

In other cases, I am too smart as well. I know too much of everything and that doesn’t look well in the optics front. I must retain a perfect image 99.999% of the time, because oh my gawd, if I make a mistake, I’lll always be remembered for the error, not the strengths.

When I transferred to another area agency upon moving out of HelLtown at the end of 2009, I’ve tried to move forward. But the scars from the first years of adult life have continued to haunt me.

I do blame a lot of this on a broken support system that didn’t favor the individual, and people having their own political agendas of where I wanted to go. I never ever, heard “be yourself” or “normal is overrated”, I had to “conform” and probably “assimilate” to the normal peer group. I bet 50 years ago, they would literally put a gun to my head. Where did all this hard work go indoctrinated by “Doctor” Teresa Bolick, SAU 12 and GLEC alI go? Nowhere.

Do I want to be writing this kind of stuff on a personal site focusing on my somewhat aspiring profession? No. Because allegedly “my heart” (supposedly  that is a synonym for a “gut instinct”) says it wants “to do the right thing” but the brain is telling me something else. And the brain is telling me to stay on the safe side of living in my house for 18 hours a day, and avoid doing anything “big” since “dreams” really don’t exist.  It’s all illogical in world that was indoctrinated to me there is a right and wrong; black and white with no gray matter. I was programmed to be a person like a spec sheet. I was not supposed to be a human at all. I’m a robot. I’m whatever the DSM says, if I am mentally retarded then so be it.

* * *

(On a side note, I’ve tried to seek additional help, basically a very, very informal “re evaluation” to see how broken I am. I’ve tried to see a genetic doctor, and is denied by my stupid healthcare plan; I’ve tried to meet with some doctors for a psychological evaluation, but that was a backoffice nightmare – they have more people in the back office than doctors themselves there! Then there was another doctor up on the other side of I89 that was recommended by the genetics doctor. I haven’t stepped forward till I got enough information if that doctor is crooked like the aforementioned one off Exit 6 in Nashua. )

When all of this is said and done, I think the conformation that my future has been shattered will come true. And as an autistic to say his life is a tragic burden, cannot be understated enough!

New Hampshire is an Autistic’s Worst Nightmare

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I was an outsider till about 21, once I went into the most corrupt area agency in the state. I didn’t get really active till about 25, and I’m still an outsider compared to the vast majority of aging Baby Boomers running many of the special interest groups or running the state agencies.

I laugh out loud wondering “what the f— are you talking about?” What in the hell do you mean by “progress”?

And why in the hell is all these workshops on “Transition planning”, guardianship, the transition post high school? Who gives a rat’s ass about those brats? They are in the minority.

So if you are almost 30, it’s still a living nightmare. Why? Because those same stupid Boomers knew that people would “fall off the cracks” but were too arrogant to do anything because they knew everything!

WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAMNED 30 YEAR OLDS WHO HAD TO LIMP ON THEIR OWN TWO FEET AROUND A CORRUPT SYSTEM WHERE KELLY (NOT RELATED TO STEVEN) AYOTTE WOULDN’T THROW THE BOOKS THESE CORRUPT AGENCIES AT THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, BUREAU OF DEVELOPMENTAL SERVICES, AND ALL THE SAU-S WHO DIDN’T FOLLOW RSA 91-A?

Yup, I think that’s why New Hampshire isn’t the place to be if you have autism. Especially when you’re in your 30s. Maybe the evil demons should make you jump into the river of hopeless hell unless the intellectual idiots can smarten up!

Uniformed Officials and Autism – Lack of Training in NH

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At some point in an autistic’s  lifetime, they will run into an officer of uniform, perhaps in a negative way. Most autistics (if not all of them) will not break any laws or rules (since many know right vs. wrong.) Some with Asperger’s you will have to be a little skeptical on, because not only do they have trouble understanding right vs. wrong, but they will even challenge the norms. If you take out the “creep” factor, they are no different no less than a hippie.

However while many police departments have voluntarily been in training to deal with individuals on all sides of the autism spectrum, some police departments have not been properly trained, or if they have gone through training, only half the department, and say the department head (or the Chief of Police for an example) may not have interest.

I’ve had a negative experience with my local police department earlier this year. Because the narrative is still fluid after 6 months, I’d rather not talk about it yet until the resolution has been completed (NOT in a legal sense.) The town I live in is a very highly regulated, legalese type of local government despite the perceived “mum and pop” operation or coming in from a another town where they resolve the issues with the department head to “keep citizens happy” is not my current town’s priorities only to make them angry so they don’t come back again by stating phrases in email “Please do not expect any further communication from me on this matter” from the Chief Executive Officer of a Top 5 town in this state!

The problem in New Hampshire is that police officers are trained in autism, and some are not. And the ones with inadequate training are getting mixed messages and then they manipulate, take advantage and bully them behind their backs when they press “Control Alt Delete” to secure a login session following in my example a false police report.

Even though I’ve said I have nothing to loose of my reputation, but when it involves police officers (in this case a Chief of Police of one of the largest populated and square milage of communities), I’m waiving this rule because the way they treated the incident (when I broke no rules and asked twice – funny how that wasn’t included in the “report”) and the way they have been acting so arrogant to think I’m the problem, and the fault is all on me is just appalling.

I’m going to reserve my “opinion” until the facts come out, sadly in private. Some recent developments were found out in an intended informal telephone call with one of the ultra conservative councilors, to then have have my back being stabbed more than once.

The local Town Council has refused to allow me to speak on this public safety matter (even after stating I wouldn’t refer to the individuals by name) because they will refuse to allow citizens to speak on “personnel issues”  well then where the hell am I am supposed to go when the Chief Law Officer insults the developmentally disabled population and the Chief Executive Officer blows me off, and so the Town Council needs to listen to their constituents and do something instead of citing off an Ordinance stating you’re going to stand by your woman forever! Give me a break!

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a city, and I feel less safe in a city, and I do not feel safe seeing police officers all over town pulling over people. I fear these officers, and I’ve seen these uniformed bullies in action; and I’ve heard stories from colleagues who work with other special needs individuals who live in the same community.

It’s so bad, I haven’t been to any of the “open houses” since last fall when I started to have bad experiences with the town government – in one of the largest communities in the 603 area code.

This goes back to an earlier post of how the police force is stuck in 1995 while there should be tolerance (or most importantly sensitivity) to these people in today’s modern standards for 2015. But sadly we’ve yet again are “stuck in the past.”

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Reflecting, Figuring Out My In/Abilities and Moving Forward

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I’ve realized in the last 10 years, out of the last 7 I did some massive reflections, but was that a good thing? I say yes.

Why?

Because sometimes in life, you need to look back and see what you done, why things “in the moment” went a certain way to move forward.

Because finding professional help is hard to come by in my state (and as I’ve stated before, I live in a civilized region…) so in the meantime I’ve not self-diagnosed myself per se, but I’ve tried to analyze what’s wrong with me, find a professional, confirm what I’ve been through then report back as a record to my area agency and the state’s DHHS.

My initial plan was figure out, if it was me or something else. Something else could be the system, the people I’m working with or again something outside of my control. These emotions and sensations date as far back as early 2011, and have accelerated especially in the last year, at the time where I’ve been trying to find help. I’ve been previously burned by several significant “experts” in this area, so to rebuild trust with 8 year people would take time.

I also never thought of using a search engine to find out people’s records. It goes back to the upbringing of “trusting the people” or the “professionals”, why would you search someone? Why would you search for your future date? Such actions would be “I think you’re a creep, and I want to be safe” – isn’t that showing weakness or lack of initial trust?

After being burned by the “experts”, I’ve used search engines, Wikipedia, WebMD and compile a network of data, and verify those sources and then have a conclusion. I’m one of information is power, but I also want confirmation of how able I am, how much I am a risk to myself, to others financially, psychologically, a burdon to others, etc.

People say I have a confidence problem, I say I’m borderline, and I don’t make that up. One instance I could be on the level of high functioning, but I could be risky in others. I have done various state required assessments, but it’s not like school with the infamous “3 year” reevaluation. Basically “labels” become illrelevent, but with the Managed Care coming forward to the day services, maybe it will be relevant again.

I’m not trying to shoot myself down, but I also don’t want to glorify myself ether. If I am not honest with myself, then I wouldn’t be honest with you and that not be a good healthy service to you, the reader, or the people in my life. But also I do not tolerate blaintent lies, complete defamation against me with unconfirmed facts. If you do something like that, then you have no business to be in my life ether.

I used to say I’m a complicated PDF document of 8,000 pages, and has gotten to the point I can’t figure myself out – at all. Again, if there is hope, someone will figure me out so I can move on, so perhaps others can feel the same.

One hopes.

Being in the “Middle” and feeling like I’m being on a cookie cutter

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Editorial Note: Some of this information may be giving the public too much about the “welfare” system of my state. I am by no means advocating this for people to take advantage of the system. It’s important to understand how the existing Medicare system works in a brief sense, and if any changes happen to the system, the actions could also create even more serious, literal bloody hearts to the autistic population in my state, the Granite State. If the changes as indicated in special interest groups, it will cause even more problems that the taxpayers will have to be on the hook for (if only inferior special ed programs were not only so expensive, but so inefficient too.)

My services I receive in the state are Medicaid waivers, the ones used outside of the Medicare/government health care plans. Without going into specifics the way New Hampshire works is they receive funding from the Federal government then disburse the money to about 10 “area agencies”. In total, this is about 30 or so organizations that are traditional developmental services, chronic health and mental health.

The most ironic thing is that some individuals may have one or more issues (whether they are cross diagnosed with Down’s syndrome and autism; an autistic with depression or someone who had an acquired brain disorder but say they have depression too.) The system is not designed to help for both cases, you have to go to the agency that you have the most issues. (At one point when I was on the “waitlist” for over 16 to 18 months, my own psychologist who claimed to know everything on autism, suggested I go to my local Mental Health agency. The mental health is for people who are really “loopy” sorry to say. I wonder if my psychologist was really scared of me..)

In other states like Massachusetts, from what I know, is that all of the Medicaid wavers are done by the state agencies, at least two, the Developmental Disability Services (formerly known as the Department of Mental Retardation as late as 2010, during an election year!) and Mass Rehab. DDS and Mass Rehab does have third party vendors, but they contract with the Commonwealth. In contrast, the State of New Hampshire’s government for all of these services are done with very few people. The Developmental Services bureau employes less than 18. Most of their jobs is to oversee the agencies plus the vendor programs. The New Hampshire system was created under a very tight to the right Republican, John H. Sununu in the mid 1980s, while most of Massachusetts’ system dates back to the “Duke” (and if you’re a local like me, you know him as  Michael Stanley Dukakis, who was responsible for renaming the state “Taxachusetts”. In fact many of the democratic hacks since the late 80s have only made moderate to severely autistic people hopeless, more on that in future posts.)

In recent years, in the southern part of the state, a movement to “Client” or “Consumer Directed Services” came in the late 00s. This enabled individuals like me to go a completely customized solution, with reason to the vendors and allow me to have my own goals, my own way of program delivery, etc.

The problem is how can it be true? As your mother would say “if its too good to be true, then it must be.” Especially if you come from the stigma of being mislead about your Individualized Educational Plan. Especially if you were your own guardian between 18 to 21. IEPs aren’t what they are cracked up to be, so if you struggled in school, how can you change your thought process?

I’ve been in 2 vendors since 2010, one for about 2 years, and the current one since the beginning of the year. The latter seemed to have more hope, but I am against more severely disabled people who are not in CDS like programs, but I have to (by means of common sense decency) try to assimilate with the non CDS/at risk/severely disabled and try to keep my goals and my needs to my own business.

Because I am still with the program I do not want to go into really dirty details, but basically the program treats everyone no matter what system they are in, like children. Some of the staff are very impatient, and come off as “bossy”, while the vendor has defended themselves to me stating it was a misunderstanding. I don’t care if its a “goal” vs “what they grew up with” vs if they are in a CDS program or not, they should have some right to being respected with some decency. At least can it be an option!

So even in a CDS system, I still feel like there is some “cookie cutter” that I can’t even fit in! I’ve tried and tried and tried to get into a program that will fit me at least 90% (since life is not all about you or be fully happy…)

I got an Xbox 360 for Christmas in 2013. I haven’t played it in a while. It’s because I’m spending all my time and resources trying to find a program somewhere in downstate NH and trying to find the best program, tried to find a “safe” place for work, and tried to contribute to society at the most I can.

Also trying to find a “safe” place where I can meet my own goals without being a target for doing something “wrong” or not meet to the vendor’s own expectations or be called out for being “immature”, etc. All of this “noise” of mixed signals and mixed messages on both Concord, the local area agency (to a lesser extent) to the vendors, (to some extent) to even the training standards is how you could possibly be messing up children that become young adults.

This is what I call “goo” – that gets put in the brain takes years to wash away and this “goo” also scars and eats away of ones life. Why has the state of New Hampshire allowed this to happen for so long? They have caused a micro generation of autistics and similarly disabled people to be “stuck” with this crappy “goo” for no reason. Why did this state not act more gutsy and break “social rules of the road” and call out the offenders?

There is a reason why being holy doesn’t get you places. If you are holy like Switzerland Cheese, your diplomatic approach to life will just create a hole in your heart. You may have a hole in your heart, but your actions creates holes into other’s brains. Whats worse, being all “Swiss” also enables you to fill the hearts and brains with this “goo” that takes decades to get out and recover.

Change My Diet – Feel Better?

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It is not abnormal for autistics of all ends, to ether be overweight due to being on medication or having a narrow scope of foods (soft textures loaded with fat or sugary content) causing many to have a larger waistline.

Some of these diets could be eating away from Vitamin D, which is the nutrient for energy. I do walk often (well not this year after the 6 month heatwave and other issues with community officials), and where I live, the neighborhood is very open so the 360 days or so is often sunny, so how could I not be getting Vitamin D? The diet could be the culprit?

But why should I change my diet? How can I be magically happy? I do not feel that the context of this blog would go away, and I feel its not a dillusion anymore.

The problem is in order for me to feel better, the people around me need to be healthy and happy, and a system that isn’t oppressive and regressive. Autism Speaks turns 10 this month and yet they caused their own autism regression in awareness. Autism Speaks has made the disorder like a disease (which developmental disorders had existed before 2005. For gawd sake’s alive the Autism Society of America was around for another 40 years before and yet they never encouraged double-murder suicide.

Change my diet and the state will seem to be more accommodating for services?  Change my lemonaid or soda intake and see people wanting work with people like me?

I really hate to say this, but I do fear what I’ve been seeing in this year alone in the State of New Hampshire is so tragic that even I make myself happy, I’d still be struggling to be fully happy due to the ignorance of leaders in our state who clearly are waking up at 5:00am to create unneeded politics and unneeded drama on the autism spectrum disorder. Who hurts? The individuals themselves.

Fixing the ASD Crisis

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There are many ways to fix the Autism Crisis. This bullet points can go up to the stratosphere in an instant, but for timing purposes, I’ll keep it brief.

  • Focusing on the individual: What’s “normal”? According to Luria Pertucci (formerly known as “Cali Lewis”), an Internet tech show host, she wore a T-shirt to a professional conference (mostly for women’s issues in technology) earlier this year stating “Normal’s overrated”. Is she right or is she wrong? So what’s normal? Per to her definition, or some psychologist who claims to know everything and prays on the DSM? And why does “normal” have to have a DSM-esque name called nerotypical? Why are we spending so much time comparing an autistic’s mind to one’s who is “normal”? Oh and what if I am smarter than a “normal” person or someone similarly on the spectrum, but I’m dumber than say someone with Asperger’s Syndrome? Why aren’t we doing more contextual (i.e. focusing what works and what doesn’t for that specific individual) If autism is like trees, then why is the metrics assuming all trees must be alike? For god sake’s alive there is no such Internet directory tree alike!
  • Context, Context and dare I say Context?  Ever had a flip phone? Do you have an office phone or an IP desk phone? See those little buttons below the screen? It’s called a “soft key”. A soft key by definition is context sensitive, meaning the buttons can change depending if you are not on a call, or on a call, or on conference because its triggered by the phone’s software. If we use that phrase with everything else, then everything should be based on what is going on in the here and now. For instance, if someone with HFA is struggling with work, and he or she is able bodied and can’t get something done for whatever reason, they need to stop focusing on their intelligence, and more on their anxiety. This is a pervasive problem in New Hampshire, where so many people focus on their “label” or ability and not be able to adjust or “lay off” constant coaching due to pressures against the individual. (do you really need someone without a PhD diploma to tell you that?)
  • Conformity and Assimilation: Why in the heck in 2015 are we still trying to “program” individuals with ASD to “act like normal people”? Do I need to bring the Luria Pertucci reference again? Why can’t these middle aged women who clearly don’t know squat about social media teaching them social skills? Why can we embrace C-listed social media star’s approach of to “be you” and to “be yourself” don’t live in “a [wo]man’s world” (i.e. in my case mothers or teacher’s dreams) and contextually do conformity and assimilation when there is a case (i.e provide some documentation – like we need more) to do so (if say someone who clearly has some “creepy” factor but the student next to him is not as creepy.) I am not on the camp of “nerodiversity” but in the concept its a good idea for the most part.
  • Better training. Silly things starting with “social” is not cutting it. In fact, such professional training courses such as “social capital” or teaching Aspies or autistics the “social rules of the road” isn’t cutting it in 2015. It’s just enhancing an old ladies network of “keeping the autism stereotype alive.” Some expert here in NH or Massachusetts or California or New York must, I would hope know something about “context” with a PhD to confirm this silly theory. In anyways, it is all about context. Notice watching TV these days is such a sensory overload because everything is so literally loud? It’s because of some stupid innovations such as “cost cutting” and “automation” and master control being in remote sites in another part of the country also factor the move to digital TV where audio is supposed to be “dynamic” – (i.e. the audio quality should move with a show or movie’s mood.) Nothing can replace an audio board op who can literally “dial down” when something gets “too loud”. What does this have in common. CONTEXT! Resolving issues relevant to the specific individuals ability or inabilities specific to them and not treat them to the “spec sheet” issued by the DSM!
  • Government Compliance and Accountability: Nothing more disturbing is how municipal school districts and larger agencies are taking a lot of money to spend for special needs and not account for it responsibly. Sometimes the money that gets received by the larger government doesn’t go into the classroom. Is that the student’s business? Perhaps if they are over 18. Why state and local governments (or SL&Gs) feel its a private matter to disclose material financial information to the public? What’s more disturbing “privacy laws” that was supposed to protect information between the “chair and keyboard” or the “chair to the keypad” is being used as a political ploy to not have to disclose information that is material to the tax paying community without going into disclosing student’s names and other sensitive information! Meanwhile many school districts have created a “culture of secrecy” where even trivial things are protected by “confidentiality.” If the Dreaded Private Sector has to abide by laws like Sarbanes Oxley, Dodd Frank, then why can’t the public sector be held to the same level? (Discussions on privacy vs transparency vs. protecting peoples confidentiality will be a frequent discussion.)
  • Self[less] Interest Groups – I will refuse to take any training issued by a University that employs people who have never had a real job. These people never really managed or know operational skills. I can’t stand Venn Diagrams other silly diagrams that took decades to invent. I prefer orgcharts to begin with. If teachers are not proficient in Microsoft Office Professional or Enterprise they should be automatically fired. In 2015, Teachers and special needs managers need to know how to manage logistical operations. They need to learn start and end processes. This is no different than what Mayer Johnson has developed, but the business world is born and dies on processes. If you want students work in the corporate sector (as it seems to be the only vocational option) and you want to indoctrinate uber-levels of accountability, well maybe you should eat your own dog food! Autistics really need clarity, a good start point and a good end point. And Boardmaker can’t cut it. Not any other PECS can do it as good as Visio. Most school districts and area agencies have MS Office Professional (at least a minimum) and Visio (I believe) comes standard in Professional or greater.  I digressed. Special Interest groups need to balance both the true human factor of special needs, but also need to remain professional and serve the public’s best interest of effective and efficient, but human service delivery. In fact one of the best companies is no longer with us, it was called Digital Equipment Corporation. I recommend people strangers to that subject to read up its corporate history.

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The SAU Sector’s Lack of Mitigating Problems

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I treat school districts, educational collaboratives and other school, or even adult services, Medicaid, others like any other public sector entity. But a decade ago (or even today) it wasn’t working like any other public sector.

How I view constituent services:

  • The role of an e-911 operator at a public safety answering point or PSAP is to take my emergency call, wether its fire, police or EMS types
  • The PSAP from the state government tells my local fire, police or EMS types respond (hopefully!) within 6 minutes or less
  • If my family’s wheels get damaged by a pothole, I can’t call 3-1-1 but I would have to dig through the phone book and find the number to the local DPW and hope they would honor the request to fill the pothole since “tracking numbers” is too much of an expense of a computer system for the Granite State
  • if I came into an ER with a blunt force trauma or a gunshot wound, they would stop the pain or bleeding ASAP
  • if I had a disagreement with a town official, I call up the executive and resolve the problems like grown ups.

Schools, are totally different. Teachers have zero accountability these days, and paraprofessionals (or just paras) are held to higher standards while the central or corner office suites (c-suites) will just sit around and do nothing. They have no moral responsibility to try to take down flames and mitigate deaths.

Maybe that’s why one school board member of my former town that shares the same name of a famous 49ers player said years back “we don’t have teachers fight flames, and we don’t let firefighters teach”

I think I answered my own question. But it shouldn’t have to be. It’s the horrible truth called reality.

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First Post (of Many)

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This is Steven Ayotte (better to be known by Steven Clickford.)

This is my first of many posts hoping to make change in the state I live in, to hopefully followers who live in the same state I live in and waking up any of the one-point-three million residence that I call “home”. The Granite State that one had the Great Stone Face and basically an average of an hour and a half drive/ride to the mountains, lakes and ocean is not as perfect as I was as I was a child – the “first generation autistic” back in the 1990s.

The state allegedly was a leader in service delivery for anyone with a developmental disability. According to one special interest groups, its now at 25, you could say its bet or worst as it is right in the middle.

I label myself as a “hopeless autistic”. Born in the personal computer generation, and remembered how much I hated the Web before I loved it, I grew up in one of the most wealthiest towns in Western Rockingham County. When I was placed out of district in 1999, and was confronted of my autism diagnosis (was dx’d in 1994) – my whole world fell apart. I just entered into middle school in town and lost everything. My friends, my social skills (I wasn’t as “creepy” back then), my happiness, the ability to wake up at 7:30 in the morning and jump on the bus an hour later with positivity.

It all disappeared.

Further in high school and into adulthood, I was starting to feel hopeless, and now in 2015, I made a big statement of publicly saying I’m a “Hopeless Autistic” and made an SOS message on the sand at Hampton Beach State Park this past summer (without my family knowing.)

I feel that my life is falling apart by the second – literally. If you thought an American made car would be so junk, maybe its actually a human being (allegedly, I think I’m human…)  that is more unreliable than a car made from Detroit.

I do have support systems, I am in an area agency, I do live with my family, but other than that – that is my only support. I have professional relations with the state and its leadership, but I disagree with many of their views (because I leave my politics at home and bring systemic politics outside the house.) The limitations in life is out of said control. That control must be deferred to Concord, at the special interest groups, the State’s Department of Health and Human Services, the DHHS’ Bureau of Developmental Services, the Medicaid “managed care” companies, and our governor, our leaders in the General Court  and at the local level at the school administrative units (SAUs) and town officials (mostly public safety.)

If we as state as a whole can’t move forward, expect individuals or even families to start becoming “hopeless” I thought the 21st Century was supposed to bring more hope.

I only wished this was a fictional blog, it is not. I will shut it down once there is progress, because all special interests groups should come and go.  But I am an honest person that wants to tell the story live and uncut. If I ever glorified or over dramatized my narrative, then I loose my credibility. But at this point, my reputation was destroyed in 1999, so I have nothing to loose. I hope?