Category Archives: 2022: #OutspokenAutistic (April ’22 – Present)

This could vary from literally being post-hopelessness or regressing backwards during the day. The former is the aspiring, but the former always creeps in. Like with any disability, an “invisible” one is an ongoing challenge, under reported, undervalued, and worse underappreciated. Also talks about recovering from narcissistic abuse is discussed in detail.

On Reserves (August – September 2023)

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Just over a couple weeks taking a 2 night stay in Keene, my grandmother started to develop her issues that resulted her untimely death in late September. For more than 1/2 of August, she had stayed at the nearby hospital. The 2nd stay was for 2 straight weeks going into September. Then not only 4 days later, she got brought via ambulance, then was basically on her death bed, unbegntost to us, then about a week later (would’ve been a day earlier but due to the alleged storm that was Hurricane Lee, the homebound trip via a private ambulance, and little would I know that it would be three days later she’d be gone.

This narrative is not about my grandmother, but I am not also trying to come off as a victim or whining. This story is what happens when you have no one else to fall on, but then you become someone else’s “rock”, being the default manly figure, to a guy that’s already been depleted. Hence, why I refer this to being “on reserves”.

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Concurrently Grieving With a Maladaptive Mother…

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My mother has not handled Gram’s death with grace all the time, but what can you expect? Sure it’s going to be a roller coaster, but sadly my mother’s pre-existing, but undiagnosed style of behavior is becoming really apparent in the months that has followed.

The Appearance of a Potentially Deadly Outburst

My mother comes off as short-circuiting, will  become extremely emotionally, on the fly basically and earlier this week, I was scared for my life, afraid of becoming a Thanksgiving accident statistic as she was on a road rage of someone allegedly cutting her off, when she was in a mood of a rage of what happened in late summer to her mother. She was stubbornly believing she as in the right as she had the right of way; what really scared me was when she was tailgating, and wasn’t mitigating any potential rear-end collision – no she was so enraged that the other driver didn’t respect her right of way (even when she was in her tunnelvision)

She goes on the highway and literally follows the car, she ordered me to take down the license plate number, and when she decided the car was going towards Nashua, she took the exit past home and tried to instigate reax from the driver as she was staring at them, as if they did something so wrong.

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Video: “I Have No Friends”

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This video deserves the least amount of words. This 1/4 century year old known as Girl in a Blue Dress is not that far away from where yours truly is based. The video was recorded after the Dartmouth school year of 2022. She also mentions “Hampton” in this clip. Yesterday, this video accelerated as YouTubers Aba and Preach (who often critiques the “red pill”) threw a lot of opinions that wasn’t necessary.

I made my own comments. I feel so bad, though I can relate but I have my own struggles

 

Midlife Crisis (Assuming the stats are right)

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It came to me not only that this coming year, I am eclipsing my majority of my life as an adult (so yeah “young men” or “young women” could be used as late as 35 in my opinion)… that it could easily be my mid life crisis.

Why?

Well if a higher functioning IDD guy, that my mortality is closer than other people in my life. For the first time ever, the US lifespan is going down, from 80 to lower ages. Most people with ASD or other types of profound IDD, will live at least 15 to 20 years younger than their typical peers, according to the anti-vaxxers that push out this information.

I could be gone from any point from likely in the next 30 years, that would lead me to be in my mid 60s (jesus!) to potentially 70. I’ve noticed I gained 10 pounds since my last read most likely in the spring time, and my diet has been the same, and my physical activity has been the same. Given that the stressors of loosing my grandmother recently has made everything around me not matter.

But prior to September, I had been really rebelling aging, I’ve lost so much in confusion, anxiety and anger, all in the hot mess that is ASD.

So yeah, I could very well be in a midlife crisis at a ripe young age of 36 years old.

Transgenderism – Is this not seen properly?

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There is not a day that goes by where people are whining and bitching about transgenderism, that the schools are turning guys into girls, it’s the media, it’s freckin TicTok that’s doing it! Ooo the outrage!

Or is it that feminism rejects men at all costs? What about living in a red state (hell it’s purple, with red pockets here and there) where right of center women just ride the coattails of the liberating movement? Or is it lefties who just can’t trust ’em?

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Life Update

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First off…

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cxngq-KuakY/

My gram has passed away on September 20th, a day before the fall solstice where it was her favorite time of year, it would’ve been 3 weeks to her 83rd birthday.

This extended a month and a half of emotional dysregulaia (I know it’s not a word, but you get-it). Yes for sure, my life is not going to be always perfectly normal and there’s always going to be a normal day.

my mental health has been a bit unstable, but I wouldn’t say extreme either. The emotions has been really raw, because the way my grammie passed away was not what I was living in some fear in the last few years. But on the other side, I kinda knew my gram was on even more borrowed time than in early August. But it came out nowhere too. (More on this at a later time.)

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Re-De with the local DHHS

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I am saying this loosely, even for high functioning autistics, people like me need to have benefits… because I am not enough work wise too.

The annual re-determination process (aka re-de) is in August, where my mother has to file the annual paperwork to say I am totally and permanently disabled and we have to supply the state the last checking and savings monthly statement, etc. Because my mother neglected a certain detail that changed this year, I did not get my bi-monthly benefits beginning in September.

my mother tried to call the office one time in early September but because I didn’t fill the consent to talk, it further delayed. We tried calling the office again later in the month and was on hold for nearly 20 minutes.

Despite the Cisco CallManager on-hold music, it got my mother really anxious. My grandmother was dying to be blunt.

Last Wednesday, we went to our local DHHS office, and much to my chagrin, there was no wait, my name was the only one on the digital display, and for all intensive purposes, we were applying for benefits (aka it was like being 18 all over again with the paperwork.) However that part got expietitied because of the long term supports (i.e. my day services connection.) My mother did apply for Food Stamps because other benefits in a re-de last year shrunk because of a misunderstanding of how the funds were supposed to be used.

Obviously, I do not want to share the details, nor embellish it. I do want to say there is some shame living with a pre-existing autistic condition. That’s explained in a follow up phone meeting on Friday.

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Hellllo Fall 2023: Depleted, Burnt Out, Unable to Function

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https://www.instagram.com/p/Cx3QioEu3hn/

In March, I was really in a down moment in my life. I was turning 36, and I am inching closer to 40 with nothing to relate to with my peers, unless it’s those peers that are in the same boat! Yes, because feeling the very same feels will turn all boats.

My mother is going through intense grief, while I have been identified as her “rock”. And it wasn’t the first time me or others heard that uttered. Not to mention I started elementary school in 1993, 30 years to the day last month. Given my grandmother’s grave state, I was unable to reflect, and given that I had traveled to Londonderry (or around there) about a handful of times after her passing, it set the trauma markets of feeling like I was not enough by any means, and I was just that resource-room kid who they felt I was not as equal to them.

my present therapist is antsy, often over generalizing, over sympathizing what is not in reality, because that individual doesn’t look at individual cases, not to mention US English isn’t their native tongue. My mother had gotten blindsided with the monthly benefits, so we need to turn the clock to when I was 18 and re-apply for eligibility; only because of a mismatch in paperwork,

Politically I am scared to death because “we are one election away” from an extremist who hates Massachusetts. Not to mention everything I have discussed over the last year in a half with politicians trying to regulate tolerance through preaching intolerance.

I feel like a goddamned misfit. I feel like in the state I live in “freedom” only applies to a handful of people with very little accountability, and responsible people are paying for those groups’ freedoms. Average men are treated as creeps!

No one understands the pain I have to absorb and right now I do not have any support people to help me with my cognitive differences. People who are reading is like “well you’re so high functioning, how can you not understand?

I was home alone on and off for almost a month and a half by no ones fault of their own; however I was really unable to discuss what was going on. Therapy sessions had to be on Zoom. I was trying to keep calm and carry on, but now I can’t even fucking cry!

The warning signs goes as far back as 2018 into 2019, I needed many hands as possible, and guess, what? my mother has to take the emotional burden of what I had to go through.

DSM-IV era autism is not as common as people think. Not too many people get-it, they think my father should’ve parented me instead, and fuck me up in a different way.

I am drained, my bandwidth has been maxed out, and I can’t process anymore. What’s next, other individuals feeding me their emotional stimuli that I can’t process.

#

 

The Reason for my Existence

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I sometimes feel with unhealthy co-dependent relationships is for a third-person (that’s me) to be exposed to other people’s trauma and being trapped into forced-empathy…. only because I am different.

This is why men need to ejaculate responsibly, and women to be a bit more careful when deciding to keep the baby to live.

And yet older people are blaming the younger generation for them choosing to be socially rigid, never the emotionally demented or unavailable parents.

Did a Dude Dress Like a Lady? (Take Three)

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In July, I was researching in relocating to another region. This time it was Keene. Home to Keene State College, this may not be the ideal place. I also have discovered some creepy “First Amendment Auditors” on social media where I saw a video of a negative encounter with the Keene Police Department, something I am preventing to not do with what happened closer to home, with the Merrimack folks.

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