Tag Archives: Autism

Lacking Emotional Regulation (Surrounding People)

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I am not allowed to be sad, not because of my autism, because it’s too-much for the people in my life.

I do not like to be depressed either, but sadly since my late teens, I have not been allowed the chance to emote properly. The highest range is happiness, and the lowest range is mildly sad. If I have long face, that sends triggers to the mama-bear who feels a need to “fix” the problem to make her feel better. Because the old woman cannot distance herself from the lower thresholds of emotion, I cannot be sad. And if I am sad, she becomes sad.

So sadly, I have been stoic for the last two years in an unique way. I am gracefully being happy while so much shit has been falling to the fan behind me. My mother prides on a quote from a no-name author with zero credentials of “Your only happy if you have the happiest child”, some random BS like that. And being the only child, just makes that pressure even worse, and the mother who can’t sympathize with the autistic child, I mean hierarchal autistic child, doesn’t get it and she refuses to understand.

I know i have a survival rate of 2 years if SHTF, but it has not been tested for a really bad recession (of which I had been calling since 2019) to follow a pandemic. I do not care how my mother wants to spin a version of reality, I want to be able to feel the way I need to feel, and my mother wants to project arrogance (masqueraded as “pride” – of everything’s chill.) At this point the ol woman is acting like a notorious abusive man.

The inability to have proper emotional control has made the situation inherently worse than like any child of any age, to have the self trademarked feelings of present events. To dismiss and project, is basically gaslighting. And if my mother is wondering why my contact has been limited, to even in some instances no-contact while living 24x7x365 for the last couple of years, her brused ego has gotten in the way for me to process the emotions I want to process.

I do not sense any level of recovery anytime soon. I think the best days of my life have passed by me by pure maternal politics and unreasonable control over autonomy and the only way to grieve is silence. Then she wonders why I am so quiet, but the moment I start talking, she goes back to the projection, unhealthy optimism and poor feedback when it comes to empathy.

As my mother would say (and I never use this personally) I cannot win.

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2022: Another Chapter…Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse (‘typical Against an Autistic)

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In early 2020, in the midst of COVID19, I had taken time off from my 3rd adult day program. Little would I know, this would be the beginning of the end with them. There was several incidents leading to being kicked-out, or worse written-off because I wasn’t disabled-enough. I do not know when my last day of my program was because of the pandemic, it was likely the end of March, because we were last billed for the services, despite having communications with administrative staff in April. (Some would say that was not-professional for any staff to divulge any vulernabilities of the program to a client.)

I say: I don’t give a flying fuck!

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The Autism Establishment

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There is a monopoly of an establishment of experts on the disorder who clearly know that their actions have inadvertently caused unintended consequences.

Many doctors or “doctors” in name only have worked with clients at a very young age. Supposedly children with autism become teenagers and apparently my group of people become these puffed up prickly monster fish that you see in Finding Nemo. The problem is there these experts that are very ageist, focus on a single disorder, a single demographic, and well they could care less if they cause unintended consequences with improper use of advice, etc..

Those unintended consequences hurts the individual more than the professionals themselves. Another example of a monopolistic practice is if they realize they have no control of the individuals, what do they do? Just like liberals and their ad-homonym attacks; they’ll punish you like a child! Because afterall they don’t have any more control over some autistic individuals. They cannot accept the fact they can be their own person, make their own decisions, so they feel powerless. But what’s really interesting, is some of the individuals themselves are powerless too.

I hope this little brain teaser makes you think about how broken the autism narrative is in my humble state that I call “home.”

The 2016 Wish List

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For me to not be a hopeless autistic, I would love the following

  • Better accountability to the professional class once and for all – Anyone who works with special needs, or is in management or acts as “leader” has traditionally gotten away with ether abuse, slander/libel, Federal corruption, etc.
  • Redefining “Self Advocacy” Self advocacy today is an abusive practice, by enabling the professional class and not empowering the individual. People should be driving off the George Washington Bridge to get what they want. No parent or even individuals should have to go so far to get what they need.
  • Educating the Public on the Welfare system The welfare system is a very broad spectrum of service delivery, and sadly everyone wants to get rid of Medicaid, but the unintended consequences would hurt people with various disabilities to get through their day to day lives. I’ve had a right wing nut job of a school secretary tell me that I have more of an Asperger’s case and accused me for “smooching with the government.” I’m very bright till I go into a classroom and be threatened to death by some inexpierenced professor…
  • Changing and Modifying the adult systems. Hey guess what? Your kids’ autism won’t go away when they turn 21, so stop believing you can fully “cure” your kids autism. Also what will happen when your kid graduates on their birthday? Have you ever thought of “falling off the cliff”? What if you live in Manchester, that notorious area agency will give you a 100% promise that you may never get any services unless you cry and whine your bleedy hearts by that point give you at least some minimal supports.
  • Educate the educators I’ve talked about misinformation since the inception of this site, and sadly the “experts” often inappropriately teach people things to make them scared to even work with them. Where has that gone? Nowhere!

That’s all I ask for this year.

 

Update: The Back Story to Acquiring my Avaya PBX, part two

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This is the second part of a 2 part story

By March 9th (nearly a week and half after he offered the system) the package made its way from Montana to New Hampshire. The next challenge? Trying to be home on the day it would arrive and then try to get (what was clearly over 80 pounds) into the house at least in one piece for it to work. And do this so the UPS Guy doesn’t trip and fall on the ice. That would be tragic for both the Brown guy and the PBX. Well it came on time at my normal UPS Ground route for my neighborhood (and stalking the package with my iPhone with its tracking number.)

How did I get this bad boy in the house?

Thankfully the 9th had milder weather as opposed to a cold February (where only one day was above freezing.) I was making some dollars on that day just clearing out the ice on the walkway. Sliding on the ice was already dicey (my grandmother is not getting any younger) and obviously this had to be cleared out so the PBX could be in one piece. I lugged it from the deck somewhat dragged it gently to the other deck steps because we have a pool and the steps to the deck are built for security/insurance purposes. Then, brought it down to the doghouse (the access point to the basement which is underground. However some have bulkheads – if say the basement/ground is exposed.  Some Cape houses are exposed full 3 stories, ours is underground. In this entryway, we have a full height entry space as I descend down a dozen steps.)  Without railings I got it situated in the laundry room. Thankfully, this individual named Jason had put these foot long circuit boards in actual Avaya boxes that typically are packaged with, and the administrative software was stuck on tape to the PBX unit itself.

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Transitions? OMG That’s an Awesome idea…

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…but why are you 10 years behind the 8 ball?

I sit on a planning committee of an annual conference for families who live in my state -the state I live in, and I sit and have to listen to a couple hours almost every month about people presenting ideas about transition planning.

And I sit there quietly like a wallflower.

I sit like I have severe autism.

I remain quiet.

I don’t like to come off as threatening or combative.

I just sit there.

And hopefully people of the intellectual class and the professional class gets their heads out of their rear ends and understand that while this is good for the second or third generation of autistics (or developmentally disabled people) in my state, the state I live in – what about the thirtysomethings who are limping around the system just trying to get through a day? Some may not be able to verbalize because they can’t put their concerns into words, or they have been severely manipulated by a bunch of racist psychologists who think its OK to ruin a child’s brain at their teenage years, and screw them off as they become adults and not have any clue what unintended consequences they do to these people.

Excuse me for being crass: I could care less about the goddamned spoiled rotten brats in special ed! Who gives a flying bleep about “the children!” What about the goddamned adults that the professionals could care less about?

I wished I wasn’t a monster, but I sadly became one in many ways thanks to the goddamned idiots running SAU 12, GLEC and dare I say “Doctor” Teresa Bolick who with all their failures caused me to become a scary person. Now I know why people run away from me. It’s these nitwits that should be on death row!

The controlled rants are over. 🙂

If you’re new to this site, let me be clear: I live in a state where we were the first in the nation to close a statewide “school” for autistic like people; but its also the same state where people have pushed “progressive” agendas that have resulted in “regressive” actions. I also live in the most richest towns probably per capita and those communities have absolutely zero tolerance for people with developmental disabilities (if you are under the age of say 21.) You (or your child, your “friend” from elementary school, or family member) has basically been hopeless since entering middle school; and some of these people have been hopeless as early as the end of the 20th Century. 

Help from a Doctor that Knows Adult Autism!

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2017 Preface: These sets of concerns had dated over a year before, hence it sits in the 2014 category.

Unlike Asperger’s Syndrome types who claim they have “Aspergers by self-diagnosing”, I for one won’t stoop down such levels. I’ve tried to find a therapist, a doctor, (an MD or dare I say a “PhD”) and there hardly is anyone skilled with autism for adults.

Everything is for “the children” but adults with autism are being just treated the same exact way as the first generation (births between 1987 to 1992/3) because for whatever reason there is a lack of resources for adults. They know what’s happening to “the children” because when the said groups become adults – this is what they will be expecting. So if that is the case, why not wait? And why are you letting the first generation suffer? Why in the hell in 21st Century, could autism been the first case of civil rights of progressive actions unlike Down’s (which took too many centuries too long) to address? And, with all the technology in the world (the Web, Internet, PCs, cable networks, etc.) are we still addressing like its the 1960s, of slow actions, misleading information in the media; why does society have regressive radical opinions like how the 60s was in general?  

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Pioneering Social Media with DevDisabilities

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Being a Millenial myself (even though I’m a lot different than most of my peers in the same generation), I’ve grown up on mostly graphical (or as I say visual) user interfaces, the Web, Instant Messaging and Social networking or social media.

With my delays in life, I didn’t socialize that much online till my teenage years. I’ve also never went on list-serves because it would advertise my identity. My mother overprotected me and was afraid people would take advantage of me. The teachers were too old to use AIM by a few years. The only social media they knew was Match. Other lessons were basically biased as if the individual was already convicted for being a creep. Positivity with social media or social networking is hard to come by. Not only that but card-carrying women who say computers are boy things, and whining about how complicated they are and not understanding the platform or application doesn’t help matters ether,

Otherwise:

I knew about “relationship statuses” way before it became into the lexicon.

I knew about “MySpace friends” before Facebook Myspaced them and then had “Facebook friends”

I knew the “friends” I’d talk to were never going to be real life friends as early as 2007 and 08.

I knew it.

Over the years, I’ve embraced social media instead. Assuming you don’t use it to be-friend people. If you know risks (and about 95% my cases I know my risks) you should be fine. Pay attention to URLs against “screen names” and like how I got my Avaya PBX, I did a two-step challenge, (“enlighten me” and paid through PayPal until I received it) and just don’t offend people.

I’ve used Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, several other blogs on the autism subject (no longer online) and a few online boards.

What I’ve learned with social media is

  • It is the modern day CB/HAM equivalent
  • You can have some relationship but know it may not be real friends
  • That you can aggregate or send out information in a timely manner
  •  If people really value your work, they’ll contribute by sending replies or emails.
  • And emails in itself can be close, but not too close.
  • It enables transparency, and it enables people to be more open and sharing. The people who think Facebook or Twitter should be a secret diary are ones who are paranoid or corrupt

Basically you would need to know social boundaries, not go too far in conversations. This took many years for me to understand, and severed ties with real world people and the social media/stranger type people too.

The cool things you can do on social media

  • Reach out to C-listed celebs like Max Robbins, the former TV guy on The Howie Carr Show, news talent like Phil Lipof from WCVB (and WABC-TV in NY) who totally embraces his fans and social media. I still get a kick how local TV media will embrace feedback (even if its “inside baseball” type of Tweets)
  • Complain about a company, brand, service, etc and get somewhat of an immediate response (but don’t bitch for the sake of bitching is my rule of thumb)
  • Make movements and be an agent of change
  • If you are news or media junkie, Twitter (or Facebook) is like the poor mans’ wire service.

I do know that I may not have many friends, I’m aware of it and I know I’m a difficult person. I’ve settled with that. But there is so much negativity about it, that some times people need to find the positives in the world of cyber media.

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New Hampshire is an Autistic’s Worst Nightmare

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I was an outsider till about 21, once I went into the most corrupt area agency in the state. I didn’t get really active till about 25, and I’m still an outsider compared to the vast majority of aging Baby Boomers running many of the special interest groups or running the state agencies.

I laugh out loud wondering “what the f— are you talking about?” What in the hell do you mean by “progress”?

And why in the hell is all these workshops on “Transition planning”, guardianship, the transition post high school? Who gives a rat’s ass about those brats? They are in the minority.

So if you are almost 30, it’s still a living nightmare. Why? Because those same stupid Boomers knew that people would “fall off the cracks” but were too arrogant to do anything because they knew everything!

WHAT ABOUT THE GODDAMNED 30 YEAR OLDS WHO HAD TO LIMP ON THEIR OWN TWO FEET AROUND A CORRUPT SYSTEM WHERE KELLY (NOT RELATED TO STEVEN) AYOTTE WOULDN’T THROW THE BOOKS THESE CORRUPT AGENCIES AT THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, BUREAU OF DEVELOPMENTAL SERVICES, AND ALL THE SAU-S WHO DIDN’T FOLLOW RSA 91-A?

Yup, I think that’s why New Hampshire isn’t the place to be if you have autism. Especially when you’re in your 30s. Maybe the evil demons should make you jump into the river of hopeless hell unless the intellectual idiots can smarten up!

A Day in the Life

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The other day there was a Halloween party at my local program. I’m still on one partial day because I can’t handle the stress of being micro managed, and the bossy treatment by the staff towards me and others. Before the event, I took an Ativan (to curb off the anxiety and sensory overload.) It’s important to know that I never had sensory issues in my teenage years, because I was heavily drugged.

I got there just before noon and socialized with people. About a year later I’ve gotten familiar of both the clients (the staff is another story.) The Halloween party began around 12:30 and we were in the art room (which is a big garage because its located at an industrial park. About 20 feet of openness and loud noises, one of the leaders speaks very loudly and doesn’t speak quieter if someone is 10 feet vs 30 feet away.

The party was fine. I met a new manager who was hired in September and had doubts. She seems young, and managerial type. She knew about my schedule and never got a chance to meet me. She acts like a heartless manager from my first impressions. She is managing a group of people and managing them like they are numbers or what. (at first blush) She’s a product of that infamous institution in Durham. A lot of millennial types have majored in ether partying, management or what. Just what we need more “managers” to make things more depressing.  I hope this woman is doing things in the best interests of the clients because I still live in the trauma of the mismanagment and the Hackerama of GLEC. If you don’t want to deal with humans, then don’t work in management in this field!

Hopefully I know more about her when I go there for lunch next week before my Tuesday activity and meet with her at least one on one for a few minutes…

I’ve typically go on Tuesdays, but because I went on Thursday instead I was told that in the afternoons is a “choice activity”, well I was surprised because the last time I went on a Thursday afternoon there was already a choice made. In anyways we went to a dollar store nearby the client was explaining the staff where to go. I took over and said “its near [redacted location]” and got through there.

The client said “good” and asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said “no”.

Ten seconds later I muttered, well I have one but she doesn’t exist. I woke up my iPhone and dazed a Photoshop composite image of me and my “wife”, Melanie at the local beach from this past summer.

Then because the Boston radio market is a joke, the iHeartRadio Top 40 station was getting broken up in Nashua, near downtown. The barely legal staff stated “lost service” (I laughed in my mind because one way radio communications isn’t a “service”) but told him to go to the Class B station, another Top 40 station from Worcester, the stick that’s on the state park in Framingham, if I’m not mistaken.

We got to the dollar store and were there for a few minutes before I was dropped off taking the back roads up north.

Today could’ve been worse. I’ve had a number of outbursts and loosing my patience because of a lack of organization. Most of the staff smokes (they aren’t smoking where they aren’t supposed to but more of “is that good for your health and for us if you’re that stressed out” like thing.)

I don’t know what it’s like to run a day program, but I’m not faulting them ether. It’s just they need to have better organization. If the staff isn’t so confusing then won’t be as confused ether.