Tag Archives: Relationships

Building Walls During a Pandemic

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After the events in 2019, from the day program failures, to my agressive paternal family, and the issues in home, I started to pinpoint what was going on. But before I realized what toxic relationships really was; I figured it was too little, too late.

In the process of building boundaries, setting expectations, and hoping the other side will get it, I realized there was going to be challenges, such as:

  • You’re going to come off flip-flopping, and inconsistent. This is because you’re now setting new goal posts in different locations, so someone will see onto that, but…
  • The new boundaries should start to be seen, and be expected. However that’s wishful thinking. A toxic person hates boundaries, because they like to be in control, or get their hands dirty because they have nothing better to do. They want their reassurance, and I am not giving it to them
  • Building something 24/7/365 is just taxing. But this is superimposed against the COVID19 epidemic has made this worse. This is because when being destroyed by toxic people (that is taking the hits, accepting cheap shots, hearing the passive-agressive undertones, the lack of something that is critically constructive, such as substance over style.) In the nearly 700 days since the pandemic began, I’ve heard more destructive rhetoric than I have had of something that is constructive 
  • The pain of being statically calm and collective (and a bit vulernable). The other problem was the conflicts of when they do occur requires me to be calm, cool and collective and be extremely graceful. When I would hear a cheap shot, a passive agressive statement, attacking on style, extremely defensive on specific matters; not reflecting, not sympathetic, but project optimism by minimizing ones reality. Also spin phrases like “I can’t control how you feel” on the lowest end of emotional infractions; but often reacts without understanding what raw language, unfiltered thoughts could impact the other person in the name of being “real”

As a result, I had struggled to build boundaries, during a pandemic, I have not been able to always be calm cool and collective, and I have been Hoover’d in to cheap shots, blame shifting, scapegoating (to a mild extent), being exposed to projection (and if little) not understanding the sympathy of the people in my life who lack boundaries.

I will say that even though I may had these tendencies, it’s common in autism, but in most cases, someone with ASD will realize there’s a wrong and they’ll try to course correct, but for typical people it is never OK. I want people to know that I have been working extremely hard to be less toxic even if the toxicities was caused by being exposed to the worst egos out there. I’ll be the last to say I am the empath-type. 

Autism in Love: Review, part two

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This Post is All About Lenny and dedicated to him. His struggles deserves its own post. Warning, this may be a tear dripper.

The only single guy featured in this film was on the left coast. Lenny was introduced and closed out the film.  Throughout the documentary, what was very striking was how he appears to be overcompensating and trying so hard to be normal.

The first abnormal sign was he wanted to dress up on camera to decide otherwise. (Was he in a work or school program that demanded him to look fancy?) To be honest, I’d rather see him more of Lenny than someone of who he should be. Second he was very determined  for being the dominant person, that no female should be stronger or better than him. (Well if he had old fashioned people as his “supports”. Third was how should be in college, making a lot of money so he could take care of his lady. He even is in tuned to the trashy Caucasian ladies by stating to the cameraman at one point that African American ladies are “more independent” and was explaining “interracial relationships”. (You can add every non American woman into the mix as I’ve already discussed before.)

For people new to this site, this documentary aired on PBS in early January, following a 3 plus year project. You can see it here till April or go to iTunes, Google Play, etc and search for “Autism in Love”

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Autism In Love: Review

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A documentary recently ran on PBS earlier this month of an independent documentary entitled Autism In Love. (Running on a host program called Independent Lens.) This project was in the works for at least a few years at least following on social media. After being let down of all the teases, I never followed up, till a recent post on a disability blog came to my attention.

After missing the original airing, I saw it Wednesday on my iPad by accessing it through PBS’ web site. (available through PBS till April 2016)

I have watched this three times since then to try to soak all the emotional, and very touching storylines.

Spoiler alert if you continue to read on.

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The Lack of a Girlfriend

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Most thirtysomethings have someone in their lives, whether it’s a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend/girlfriend boyfriend/boyfriend or even a husband or wife. Well I am not anywhere close to boyfriend material for any girl (at least around my area.) For February, I don’t just feel like a hopeless autistic, but a hopeless romantic too.

The idea of a girlfriend would make socializing easier because you have that “arm candy” or someone to hold hands and commit public sexual harassment laws and kiss in public and touch each other near private parts at professional gatherings. Not that I encourage this, but this is what “everyone else” is doing. Why be the only single person? I don’t feel “special”…

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The Back Story to the Marriage to the Girl in Ballerina Flats

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In 2013, I came to my senses that I’d also be a hopeless romantic. Love and autism doesn’t have to be a complicated relationship status, and sadly the recurring characters such as incompetent psychologists acting as state leaders, inadequate training (fear mongering), and possibly “following the money trail” say IDEA for an example, had a lot to do during my teenage years.

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Happy (Hopeless) 2015!

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Another update to a deliberate abandoned blog.
I haven’t changed. I remain a hopeless autistic first, hopeless romantic second.
I don’t have much goals for 2015 other than to be in a day program with lower functioning people and be in a work program, enough to please the local DHHS. My mother will continue to suffocate with her excessive love to me where I can’t do anything to my heart’s content, other than being probed and questioned and then have my dreams become “death by a thousand cuts.”
I will, however meet with various doctors to get ether a re diagnosis and/or therapy which I hope they will cite my quirks as my mother is allegedly autistic and maybe they will rip her to shreds.
I have no expectations, other than to feel hopeless, being bitter not by choice but emotion of last resort.
I expect to cry more and more as I reach closer to 30 by a couple of years and to realize I have nothing going forward. I think I may actually become a real life Steve Carrell portrayal of the 40 Year Old Virgin, only 12 years away.
I might write a book. I got the content ready to go. I feel that the broken self I am was damaged by a broken society of people who are so careless and so selfish that their narcissism has broken my view on life.
I don’t invest of my work anymore. I know there isn’t a girl out there for me (because of the lack of parenting, the lack of accountability, etc.) and I know many of my “followers” really don’t care because they never contacted me and replied to this publication.
I’ll close it this way, if relationships were transparent, if there wasn’t autism and if there wasn’t so many pompous ass jerks perverting the perspective of relationships, I wouldn’t be a writer. I’d be a happy guy with a lucky girl and we would rule our own little worlds. But that’s not reality. The reality is what I wrote here a couple years ago, and it hasn’t changed not one bit.
Stay Hopeless and Always Settle for Less.
Steven, the humble publisher.

Relationships w/ Redundancies & Independencies

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Today’s post can easily be taken as a business, technological or investment advice, but actually – it has to do with relationships.
I come from a small, but pretty tight knit family. That on the piece of paper might sound sexy, but in the reality in the bigger picture, and as time goes on is actually bad.
My mother had me more than 2 decades ago and basically has said on a number of occasions that I was the “best thing that happened to” her. Ok that’s nice and flattering, but that same mentality that went into my childhood, into my teenage years and into my adulthood sorry looses its relevancy. Why? Because my mother has admitted recently that she overprotected me. Factor that, and knowing my father was absent in my life then my mother loosing her high school friend, I guess she started to build her life around me. Then basically my life was built around my mother.
Is there something wrong in that picture?
The answer is “yes.”
As you probably learned in school if you are around my age, you are not supposed to be overly reliant on anyone, or depend on someone to love you or to live them. You shouldn’t be spending your entire life around one person and revolve around you two ether.
What if something happened to your family member, or even your loved one? I knew a guy who worked in my school who actually lost his wife unexpectedly. They went to lunch and said goodbye and I love yous and then got a telephone call from a hospital that she died (something like a heart attack.) He actually got so depressed he actually went psycho. I don’t know what happened to him. My school I used to go to doesn’t employ any of the staff I was close with anymore. They are all elsewheres in life. Anyways He was kinda chickie like guy, depending on his wife to do everything.
Ok, enough with independency what about redundancy?
You should never have just a first tier of social circles. It’s just like baseball or football, you should have second or third stringers and make sure those stringers have enough experience on the field just in case the first tier fails.  Can I say Tom Brady? You’d know what I am talking about If you have watched a few New England Patriots games.
For example: instead not just having one friend, or one BFF; take into consideration to have maybe two or three.  The average in my household is actually 2 – too me that’s unhealthy, but it shouldn’t be like 500 ether. Maybe 6 would be the best. Redundancies come into play in case one of your friends gets too tied up with a girlfriend or a wife, someone getting knocked up and then has to put 100% attention to the kid till s/hes 18, or even a job can distract someone.  By spreading out the risk to other people who might not be in a similar situation is strongly recommended. This requires your social circle to be as diverse and fault tolerant as possible – which goes to your advantage.
Having multiple levels of relationships and levels of backup and social failovers are the best way you can live your life healthily. It’s the same of putting too many eggs in one basket, or a Swiss Army Friend, they can do a lot, but if that one fails, then you might fail as well.

The State of Affairs for Autism and Relationships

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There is a bunch of problems going forward for the next five to ten years for autistics and the “leadership” thereof about relationships and building friends, etc., etc.

To go into further detail of that statement; we face problems such as trying to fit every possible individual into one unified group instead of unifying 1 and 88 people with autistic or pervasive developmental disorders; secondly the research and assessment (or diagnoses) often compares us to the normal functioning peer groups; which is also an unfair and inaccurate portrayal to the autistic community.

There are a bunch of people who go around the world to speak about autism, to lecture about the subject or even speak badly (even with it being unintentional.) This problem is also a multi pronged issue too. One is the lack of editorial judgement when delivering these messages to the public; secondly the medium is the message; especially in the world of the Web and social media; and how the people take these messages. I’ve said in the past that for a long time people in the Millenial generation (born from 1977 to 2001) were the most intolerant generation of people with developmental disabilities; however that number is slowly going down – but not a lot. The problem here, is those numbers are becoming tolerant because of a career path they have chosen, not really because they want to be tolerant from the heart.

And the last point is what becomes the most dangerous part for ANYONE with autism; the message, or the medium may mislead these future professionals of the special needs industry; there is still some mixed messages that all autistics are mute and dumb, and often they are lost little bastards; and often its boys; because its only boys who are bad; and its only boys who are into science and math; and again guys are socially retarded; and that all autistics shall not have a life like everyone else because of their alleged social dysfunction; and they really should be friends with their neurological peers; and shall not even have the chance of getting married and having offspring that might reproduce another autistic.

The entire boldface was the subliminal or innuendo messaging of what is taught in college, or in professional development (bitter people training.) There is a lot of psychobabble about “social pyramid”, “social capital”, “social this” or “social that”. And many of this BULLSHIT has anything to do with social skills!

So in closing, the state of affairs for autism and relationships are bleak and will have a dark future. Not because “progressives” want to make a movement for change and acceptance; its really for people who want to be career mothers or career slanderers to make blaintely false and misleading statements that all autistics are bad, all autistics should be sent to Laconia or a state that still has a state school for developmentally disabled people. And yet we have to settle with the fact of “they are being honest” and “they are telling the God honest truth” but yet if I make a “God honest truth” I’d be charged for hate speech even if there isn’t a  hate speech law in my state.
The only option is to settle with the “facts” with the hopes these people will die to hell sooner rather than later.

News Alert!

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breakingautistics
 
It really shouldn’t be a Breaking News story where the newsroom bell shouldn’t go off.  Your heart had already been broken when you were in school age, and even if there was an off limits romantic relations with your teacher, even when you are an old adult, special needs professionals of any age group, would rather work with your types “on the clock” and then not want to be in any relationship off the clock, hence the second tier in this mock lower third.

Relationship Status with Databases: It’s Complicated

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There is more to relationships than just girls, friends, family etc.
It’s something called a Relational Database System or RDBS (or something like that.) Plain English: think of Oracle, Microsoft’s Access or Apple/FileMaker’s FileMaker Pro. In the basic sense almost all of our data we use (even how our WordPress blog stores our content) is in a form of a database.
Now if you have a skills of a database admin (DBA) than yeah for you! Its a nightmare for someone like me who has a hard time dealing with black and white – in this case databases. Often my types of people struggle with the “gray” manner.
Databases require a LOT OF black and white logic. Even in the days of the mouse drive Graphical User Interfaces or GUI, you’d think it be easier.
Well not so for me.
Relationships is a key to integrating other databases or other datapoints together. If I want to pool a general ledger database and tie my payables DB and my receivables to make that general ledger, it would require me to create a relationship and run those damned algorithms and other mathematical crapage to do just one task.
Its just crazy how RDBS is in almost everything we use and you don’t even realize. Back 10 or even 20 years ago it was in those logical setups like the billing, the customer service, etc. but now its used from executing those “lower thirds” on your newscast to most modern websites (and you wonder why your laptop suddenly became a fire hazard…)
It’s crazy. I have a hard time engaging a relationship with databases. It’s just too complicated.