The Fear of Being Happy

I don’t want to choose to be unhappy, but it’s much easier to be sad…

What does that mean?

Well, sadly our messed up American Special Education and Adult Services system as mentioned numerous of times, focuses on negatives so of such it’s easier to feel sad than being happy. There are things that make me happy, but I keep it my business. If I ever express any happiness, it can be subject to be questioned by authoritative figures like my mother, my case manager or other related people. And if they show doubt, then you know for sure that I should doubt myself.

Sorry to come off ableist, but I am such a puzzle piece. I don’t understand the reason why it’s so complicated to be “happy”…

Autism In Love: Review

A documentary recently ran on PBS earlier this month of an independent documentary entitled Autism In Love. (Running on a host program called Independent Lens.) This project was in the works for at least a few years at least following on social media. After being let down of all the teases, I never followed up, till a recent post on a disability blog came to my attention.

After missing the original airing, I saw it Wednesday on my iPad by accessing it through PBS’ web site. (available through PBS till April 2016)

I have watched this three times since then to try to soak all the emotional, and very touching storylines.

Spoiler alert if you continue to read on.

Continue reading

The Manipulation of the Human Race

There is a such thing as an “evolution” – to a certain extent. Let me explain.

A human develops in each way, the brain and everything grows as the human grows in life. However, that’s not to say that someone can tinker with at least the brain, reprogram it and then basically the human being basically got hacked. What do I mean? I mean the human evolved from a fun loving boy to a scary monster that appears to be human.

Another way to look at this manipulation or evolution is the heart. The emotional sense. Medical Doctors will tell you that it’s better to break a bone than to sprain it, because it will heal easier than it being partially broken. When it comes to emotions, its like being electrocuted by lighting, if the odds were against you that one time, it will cause lifelong consequences. Think of your first love, a person of significant level break your heart, it’s like the heart was shocked. And when someone that you loved or cared for caused that much heartbreak (whether it’s a family member, a friend, romantic interest, teacher, etc.) it can cause lifelong damages. I wish I can say I beat those odds, but sadly I’ve been duped by many people on a significant level in my early life that caused damages that I cannot reverse.

They say first impressions matter, but I’ll tell you I’ve been a victim of 1,001 bad first impressions.

Sadly there are many childhood “doctors” who only focus on children. They don’t realize how much damage they are doing to the child when its outside of their scope. The experimental projects, the test programs or test ideas or just the shaming the person’s autism, and the gender stigma (more guys than gals with ASD) can cause severe lifelong effects that these “professionals” have no clue what their unintended consequences or inadvertent actions.

I am saying this because I am seeing more and more mixed static of the autism narrative and its only going to get worse. It’s becoming a very mad, mad world in the hopeless world of autism. And I fear this won’t improve anytime soon. It’s a slow hurricane that has yet to see the eye of a years long storm.

At this point, simple fixes with a hack doctor is not the solution for me. I’m in a desperate need of a massive repair, restoration and a rebuild of trust as my insides are falling and caving in because my stupid support infrastructure of nearly a decade ago did reckless damage. Would an autistic teacher get away from this? Most than likely no, they’d probably be in prison, but since everyone else was perfectly normal, and we were held hostage to sign off the IEPs, well they can get away of manipulation, psychological murder, breaking the heart, etc.

The Lack of a Girlfriend

Most thirtysomethings have someone in their lives, whether it’s a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend/girlfriend boyfriend/boyfriend or even a husband or wife. Well I am not anywhere close to boyfriend material for any girl (at least around my area.) For February, I don’t just feel like a hopeless autistic, but a hopeless romantic too.

The idea of a girlfriend would make socializing easier because you have that “arm candy” or someone to hold hands and commit public sexual harassment laws and kiss in public and touch each other near private parts at professional gatherings. Not that I encourage this, but this is what “everyone else” is doing. Why be the only single person? I don’t feel “special”…

Continue reading

The “Smart” Factor

Discussing intelligence with me unlike the vast other autistics that can speak for themselves, is a touchy subject. I personally don’t think its anyone’s business to know what their IQ score is or what they know about or don’t know about.

I try to remain modest and keep my feet on the ground as I try to reach for the stars. Some won’t take the late Casey Kasem’s advice and go the polar opposite. I do not want to say I “play dumb” but I have to be honest: because if I am so good, am I too good to fail? I might me smart enough for college but may not be emotionally competent or have the stamina and drive due to meeting demands and having to explain my autism to every professor in the beginning of every class so I god forbid don’t be plastered as a fool.

Continue reading

People Who Can’t Talk Right

My mother is home teleworking. I just talked to her to discuss the morning’s plans. I told her what I wanted to do and she kinda gave me a response of that she had another plan. The plan was “to bring transfer station things after I drop you off” to my day program.

My mother is known pretty bad for speaking in list-like languages and is horrible at modifiers like “a”, “an” and “the” and often when she says things like “wanted to bring transfer station stuff to transfer station” she makes it as if it was a living breathing thing that should be a proper noun. But even if the local Transfer Station would be a proper noun, she should use appropriate modifiers ether before or after the proper noun.

Is this her fault? No. Why? Because for autistics, the standard operating procedure is to the least amount of words because they would get overwhelmed if you overtalk. Well thats if you explain everything all the time and go into filibusters like my moronic neighbor who isn’t even a true neighbor as they think they live on a 2 acre property.

But I am no stupid dog. I shouldn’t be talked to in commands.

Anyways, excuse me while I go Ernie Anderson and start talking like a sailor as I can’t take fools seriously myself!

Small Talk Fails

I typically go to Starbucks on my way to my program for a light lunch (albeit not the most healthiest option, but what the hell.) I go here over the local Dunkin which has a bad track record of ultra fast paced, spiffy, screw up the order, and if you’re neurological allergic to caffeinated coffee, that’s not their problem!

I’m not very good in small talk, not because it’s annoying; not because it’s socially complicated; its what can I say when I am a nobody?

I’m not even self employed! I’m not in any relationship! I don’t have that much family or friends! And is there an unwritten rule to not talk about day programs outside the property? I never felt comfortable talking about that.

Last week a lady that knows me by name asked what my plans were for the rest of the day. I pulled a Bill Belechick and gave a no answer to a question. Because what should I say, you know? I still do not feel 100% safe being in a community and I hate being such an oxymoron…but I love the idea of the small talk, but when it happens, I blow it!

A+ for trying? Maybe not.

*

Corrupt Match.com Made this Hopeless Autistic a Hopeless Romantic Too!

I wrote on my other site last fall when Match.com was spun off by IAC/InterActive Corp (a company with a very bad PR record.) I explain how much Match charges and how I haven’t found a special someone, and how many dating sites to the point the DOJ should break up the company.

More on this by clicking here.

The Autism Establishment

There is a monopoly of an establishment of experts on the disorder who clearly know that their actions have inadvertently caused unintended consequences.

Many doctors or “doctors” in name only have worked with clients at a very young age. Supposedly children with autism become teenagers and apparently my group of people become these puffed up prickly monster fish that you see in Finding Nemo. The problem is there these experts that are very ageist, focus on a single disorder, a single demographic, and well they could care less if they cause unintended consequences with improper use of advice, etc..

Those unintended consequences hurts the individual more than the professionals themselves. Another example of a monopolistic practice is if they realize they have no control of the individuals, what do they do? Just like liberals and their ad-homonym attacks; they’ll punish you like a child! Because afterall they don’t have any more control over some autistic individuals. They cannot accept the fact they can be their own person, make their own decisions, so they feel powerless. But what’s really interesting, is some of the individuals themselves are powerless too.

I hope this little brain teaser makes you think about how broken the autism narrative is in my humble state that I call “home.”

The Top 5 Heartbreaking Songs

As dictated by Corporate America, in mid January it’s now the season for Valentine’s Day, despite less than a month away. I’d thought I’d share my Top 5 hearbreaking songs, since listening to the easy-music station in my preteen years, was more than likely an oman of my hopeless romance I’d encounter well past adulthood.

Continue reading