Grieving On My Own (Because the Old Lady Wants to be Hyper Individualistic)

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I actually texted to our social worker from the hospice care shortly after Christmas trying to reach out to her to meet with the Bereavement coordinator to get the ball rolling between me and them. They provide support for one year following the death, and as i previously stated, my grandmother had less than 5 days of care on their watch.

So now we’re down to less than 8 months. Shortly after the text message, and before New Years, we received a holiday card from them, specifically with a handwritten login credentials to their portal on the very bottom. If I remember correctly, there was also a letter sent with them offering us to log in. Sadly, I’ll probably have to ask my mother for it if she hadn’t already hoarded it and piled it into a pile of papers of which I am not allowed to see.

According to my mother, she doesn’t ask help for much and she’l tough it out and look like a narcissist with someone looking empty but projecting phony substance. 

I don’t want to say much about my family at this point, but I do suspect my grandmother’s pride was abit cocky. DIY is not always the best approach.

This week, my task is to find that login information. If I have to ask my mother, so be it! I have given my mother so many miles of her maladaptive behavior and yeah she lost her mother, well I lost my grammie too! But it doesn’t excuse the matters of borderline-dysregulatia in the most toxic and emotional sense.

Leave the ship…because the family is refusing to course-correct

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I am sorry that my grandmother died, but after yet another subdue Christmas, and instead of celebrating what my grandmother wanted, the old woman preferred to be sad. Both of us have gotten really sick (wether it’s COVID or not it’s unclear) so that level of static uncertainty, of a borderline personality life is more complex than the people I’m dealing with.

To prevent holiday anxiety, my mother has taken the Twelve Days Of Christmas, (meaning when you look at the letter of the word, of, means following December 25th.) Great idea, but can we at least have one year of a Christmas, and even make it somewhat positive of what my grandmother would want? Normalcy is the part to recovery. Granted, I am told repeatedly people grieve in their own ways, and yes, my mother will probably be randomly triggered for the most random reasons, because she lived her live randomly to date. And if I get reflection of her on that, that would be a nice step forward in each other’s lives!

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Can Traumatic Brain Injury Cause Personality Defects?

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Last week, the old woman was in a way teasing about her injuries to her head in her life. What surprised me was “that was before you were born, then after you were born”. I knew about a few of her potential concussions, but not the couple of situations after I was born.

It lead me to think, and I didn’t make any remarks, because in this case if I was the one making the joke, the joke would be on her because she takes everything to heart.

Can traumatic brain injuries or TBI cause personality defects?

I say “defects” because I believe that defects or “disruptions” cause a blockage to a healthy and happy relationship, or cause toxic situations, mixing the fingerprints of inability to empathize, minimize other’s reality, though will play the victim when they aren’t validated, and or have very polarizing emotions one moment, and turn the other moment, and completely black out or pretend it never existed then come off antagonistic.

But either narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder is not learned, it’s made. I am not diagnosing my mother to the world, nor do I settle on either one, but it’s a mix of both. I am also at the stage where I know what I am getting into, and walk away from the situation the reason why I am in my living areas (my bedroom or basement media production room) maybe a tell tale sign maybe I don’t want to be around you.

What still mildly angers me is why, just why the Fraud on Broad Street or other professionals who saw the toxic behaviors that people perceived of me, not realize my mother could be the same? If anything when the folks did hold my mother to account, they felt she was enabling my situational toxic traits, even if I had to live with her and I had to unlearn them…

You can’t involuntary push someone into therapy, or get help, the only thing I suggest, is to radically accept someone who may not be bad person, but a persona that can highly bombastic, but to not personalize the personality. For those individuals they blur them. You can point their behaviors out in a conversation using the dictionary definition without using the words, and obviously don’t expect people to change, something that female SPED professionals clearly never get.

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On Reserves (August – September 2023)

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Just over a couple weeks taking a 2 night stay in Keene, my grandmother started to develop her issues that resulted her untimely death in late September. For more than 1/2 of August, she had stayed at the nearby hospital. The 2nd stay was for 2 straight weeks going into September. Then not only 4 days later, she got brought via ambulance, then was basically on her death bed, unbegntost to us, then about a week later (would’ve been a day earlier but due to the alleged storm that was Hurricane Lee, the homebound trip via a private ambulance, and little would I know that it would be three days later she’d be gone.

This narrative is not about my grandmother, but I am not also trying to come off as a victim or whining. This story is what happens when you have no one else to fall on, but then you become someone else’s “rock”, being the default manly figure, to a guy that’s already been depleted. Hence, why I refer this to being “on reserves”.

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Concurrently Grieving With a Maladaptive Mother…

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My mother has not handled Gram’s death with grace all the time, but what can you expect? Sure it’s going to be a roller coaster, but sadly my mother’s pre-existing, but undiagnosed style of behavior is becoming really apparent in the months that has followed.

The Appearance of a Potentially Deadly Outburst

My mother comes off as short-circuiting, will  become extremely emotionally, on the fly basically and earlier this week, I was scared for my life, afraid of becoming a Thanksgiving accident statistic as she was on a road rage of someone allegedly cutting her off, when she was in a mood of a rage of what happened in late summer to her mother. She was stubbornly believing she as in the right as she had the right of way; what really scared me was when she was tailgating, and wasn’t mitigating any potential rear-end collision – no she was so enraged that the other driver didn’t respect her right of way (even when she was in her tunnelvision)

She goes on the highway and literally follows the car, she ordered me to take down the license plate number, and when she decided the car was going towards Nashua, she took the exit past home and tried to instigate reax from the driver as she was staring at them, as if they did something so wrong.

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Video: “I Have No Friends”

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This video deserves the least amount of words. This 1/4 century year old known as Girl in a Blue Dress is not that far away from where yours truly is based. The video was recorded after the Dartmouth school year of 2022. She also mentions “Hampton” in this clip. Yesterday, this video accelerated as YouTubers Aba and Preach (who often critiques the “red pill”) threw a lot of opinions that wasn’t necessary.

I made my own comments. I feel so bad, though I can relate but I have my own struggles

 

Midlife Crisis (Assuming the stats are right)

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It came to me not only that this coming year, I am eclipsing my majority of my life as an adult (so yeah “young men” or “young women” could be used as late as 35 in my opinion)… that it could easily be my mid life crisis.

Why?

Well if a higher functioning IDD guy, that my mortality is closer than other people in my life. For the first time ever, the US lifespan is going down, from 80 to lower ages. Most people with ASD or other types of profound IDD, will live at least 15 to 20 years younger than their typical peers, according to the anti-vaxxers that push out this information.

I could be gone from any point from likely in the next 30 years, that would lead me to be in my mid 60s (jesus!) to potentially 70. I’ve noticed I gained 10 pounds since my last read most likely in the spring time, and my diet has been the same, and my physical activity has been the same. Given that the stressors of loosing my grandmother recently has made everything around me not matter.

But prior to September, I had been really rebelling aging, I’ve lost so much in confusion, anxiety and anger, all in the hot mess that is ASD.

So yeah, I could very well be in a midlife crisis at a ripe young age of 36 years old.