Tag Archives: Hopeless Autistic

Lacking Emotional Regulation (Surrounding People)

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I am not allowed to be sad, not because of my autism, because it’s too-much for the people in my life.

I do not like to be depressed either, but sadly since my late teens, I have not been allowed the chance to emote properly. The highest range is happiness, and the lowest range is mildly sad. If I have long face, that sends triggers to the mama-bear who feels a need to “fix” the problem to make her feel better. Because the old woman cannot distance herself from the lower thresholds of emotion, I cannot be sad. And if I am sad, she becomes sad.

So sadly, I have been stoic for the last two years in an unique way. I am gracefully being happy while so much shit has been falling to the fan behind me. My mother prides on a quote from a no-name author with zero credentials of “Your only happy if you have the happiest child”, some random BS like that. And being the only child, just makes that pressure even worse, and the mother who can’t sympathize with the autistic child, I mean hierarchal autistic child, doesn’t get it and she refuses to understand.

I know i have a survival rate of 2 years if SHTF, but it has not been tested for a really bad recession (of which I had been calling since 2019) to follow a pandemic. I do not care how my mother wants to spin a version of reality, I want to be able to feel the way I need to feel, and my mother wants to project arrogance (masqueraded as “pride” – of everything’s chill.) At this point the ol woman is acting like a notorious abusive man.

The inability to have proper emotional control has made the situation inherently worse than like any child of any age, to have the self trademarked feelings of present events. To dismiss and project, is basically gaslighting. And if my mother is wondering why my contact has been limited, to even in some instances no-contact while living 24x7x365 for the last couple of years, her brused ego has gotten in the way for me to process the emotions I want to process.

I do not sense any level of recovery anytime soon. I think the best days of my life have passed by me by pure maternal politics and unreasonable control over autonomy and the only way to grieve is silence. Then she wonders why I am so quiet, but the moment I start talking, she goes back to the projection, unhealthy optimism and poor feedback when it comes to empathy.

As my mother would say (and I never use this personally) I cannot win.

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The legacy of the “label”…

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While it was 28 years ago I was diagnosed with a now outdated diagnosis from the previous version of the DSM…

In the last few years, my legacy was written when it was told to me just over 22 years ago. The PDD-NOS diagnosis is really a definition of unable to do anything. It was then I was delegitimized. It was then my condition would then turn my situation into feeling inadequate…incompetent…feeling or causing despair about something… oh wait did I use my Dictionary.app and find the definition of “hopeless”? For fuck sakes alive… I thought I was being some cultist thinking all of this was some bad dream I was living the life!

Well regardless, for many who were 80s babies (like me – totally forgotten and non existent to society) – being told you had PDD-NOS in the 90s was like getting the death sentence. It’s not even close to melodrama…

In 2019, the political pollster, Frank Luntz told Frontline in a raw interview the following

“And everyone who speaks in that language that dismisses a community or dismisses somebody else, we are not just trashing them. We are dehumanizing them; we are delegitimizing them. And when you get that far, that you have no right to exist, that you have nothing to contribute to society, when we make that decision, that there is no recovering; there is no coming back, because you cease to exist. And that is where we are right now. And it scares the shit out of me because you can’t show me a time when democracy recovered.”

Frank Luntz, on the division of the US recorded in late 2019, click on the link to see this in context.

But again I must be some cultist who just is on the web too many hours a day, acting unruly with a parent that has allowed his kid to (in some ways) to mess around and not have to deal with accountability of which, kids (adults or children) have to screw around to learn risk and I have had my share of paying for responsibility… in some ways a lot more than for others that should take some responsibility and be accountable for their in-actions.

Of course, I can’t control the other’s not respond of course, I don’t need that speel again.

There’s a reason why I go-silent. Because I lost it at trying to telegraph how I feel and how others just want to really shut me up. As much as I feel that my mother should burry me, on one hand, I would feel worse for my gram and by Bachiyan (my paternal grandmother)… at least in that context I should be burying them, but in the last several years I have felt very, very distraught, and there is no point to go back to my childhood where it seemed I didn’t have to worry about my reputation and constantly check on my social capital every few minutes.

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Why and When to Give Up (from being a Hopeful Autistic)

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What you’re about to read is something that will likely be shocking and probably very sad. But what lead me into checking-out of society, and the relapse of being undervalued, under-respected has everything to do with ablest-ic tendencies that started in the new millennia. These experts with Masters or worse Doctors knowing everything about ASD has now hit a new level, a confirmable point of fact that there really is no hope; because I went through this from 2014 into 2020, that it’s likely going to happen yet again. I wished this was a work of fiction… but my experiences is so exceptional, that I feel even guilty admitting this!

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Phase II of the #HopelessAutistic – When it Impacts Me

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In my written works of The Hopeless Autistic, I cited the reasons why I felt “hopeless”. That being:

  • They won’t be able to find an ideal, and reasonable day program
  • They won’t be able to find an ideal support staff
  • That they will not be able to have a reasonable and healthy social life
  • And won’t be able to find love

Since the original writings from 2015 to 2017; this has gotten worse. I had been basically let go without warning from my day program in the midst of the pandemic. Support staff is better, and now it’s all 1 on 1 going forward. The social network continued to erode and in fact it wasn’t even strong to begin with, especially with the Facebook-friends. Let’s not even touch love with a 10′ pole, looking back, that was hopeless from the start.

So I was basically right (even though I wanted to be wrong) that in 5 years, the system for individuals with developmentally delayed conditions would get screwed over, and that was pointing to the year 2020. Well COVID19 just distracted all of us. Now that the pandemic is allegedly in a managed situation, the managed care is returning back.

In the next five years, unless a miracle happen (which is slim to none at this point…)

  • Autism or ASD like conditions will continue to not be well known.
  • ASD will not be classified as an “invisible” disability, like it should
  • Ignorance about autism, and arrogance of it’s potential will accelerate
  • Millennials are slowly having children, and they may have an autistic child; but they will be just as clueless as their Boomer parents.
  • The mass ignorance of the general community, and the present lack of strong voices to provide positivity to help people like me to move forward.
  • The biggest fear is I will be written off the books because my disability (despite statistically showing I need a lot of support) because autism is not a physical handicap, and therefore it shouldn’t be funded.  

With my family shrinking, with my social subnet shrinking, no new people are open to me to be part of their life; let’s not even touch the S.O. opportunities at this point, that is clearly Game Over. With the lack of growing, the lack of learning, the lack of forgiveness of others, the lack of general awareness to my group, this is really going to get a HELLUVLA LOT WORSE before it gets even close to “better”.

I was gaslit for saying “the system was on fire” by 2016, and was told the state agency didn’t see it that way. But I saw the cracks and saw the sparks, and now in early 2022, the same thing is coming for my life. I am desperately scrambling for my life of when that dreaded day where I may loose services only because the politics of the dev disabled is only getting worse.

You folks were The First to Know “the system” was on fire in the State of New Hampshire. Hacks like Dan Habib decided to cover it up to instead produce inspiration porn to deceit you. But I am not a filmmaker. I carry an ENG camera and I will continue to speak more assertively in 2022 in the #OutspokenAutistic series of content to wake living fuck of people to understand I could be totally screwed by 2027.

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Self Hatred

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Hate is not learned, it’s taught

Growing up in a micro institutional environment, even if you could go in and out within six hours, miles away from home; it sure felt like a traumatic experience.

I am not a self-centered person, because I can’t speak for anyone else with ASD with authority except for me, because I can only speak with certainty of the challenges in life.

I am still looking for purpose because it was wrongfully taken away from me 22 years ago. To say it’s just me is standard gaslighting and minimizing my view of reality. 

I am in a situation where I am at a point where I am seeking other’s admiration as a form to feel less self-guilt. I felt like I had held grudges because it was my doing, to only find out people really don’t care about me as a whole. Not that I can not make up lost time, but to build quality time in the present with a new outlook with either family or peers.

And that never happened, hence why I severed ties with the Londonderry bunch and then created Londonderry NH Exposed because that the cleavage of in-experiences between me and them would be further spread. Worse they are completely apathetic; only because I am the only person they know who has autism (and this when I started to doubt the statistics because it didn’t make sense.)

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Developmental Services System 1991 (NH State Audit Compressed for 2021 Standards)

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In 1991, after the Laconia State School closed, the State of New Hampshire did an audit of the system and services for the developmentally delayed. Out of respect for modern day technologies, the original PDF can be seen here, at the expense of your network or cell data plan, This was the time where Macintosh computers were not used by many, so it’s lousy in design quality. The PDF was converted at some point from it’s original DOS-like word processing in 1998, and thanks to RSA 91-a, I am doing you a public service by hosting a lighter version of this PDF because am I a native nerd to the the government affairs, not “obsessed with the system”.

Sadly a lot of the core context in this file has never been addressed. Bill of Rights is kinda the theme here, and sadly the developmental disability system has been audited several times since 1991. But ironically the audits never go back to the original blueprint of the 1991 audit. Sadly I don’t even think our current agencies at the Department of Education or at the Bureau even have this document

Do understand in 1991, there was a dueling thing going on, and that was special education. I entered into Londonderry just months before, and there was a lot of growing pains across the state for Special Education, that was done on a reactionary measure, that then carried into adulthood so people like your’s truly was then hungover with the neglect at the SPED level.

The compressed PDF will be the source of many future writings or postings of content related to my condition and the ever so declining system that isn’t just me that’s having the problems. I can only speak for myself and presently I am the only one that is the most outspoken for the rights of me and my peers.

5th Grade – Hopeless Romantic, confirmed (Hopeless Autistic)

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In late 2018, I finally arrived to the litmus test of what would solidify the Hopeless Autistic status from the late 1990s, just a year before the diagnosis was brought to my attention after SHTF.

In a Facebook Messenger thread of school age friend, of which 2 years worth of conversations was actually printed out at 147 pages, for a discovery. Mind you, the only video chat occurred around this time, in late 2018. Millennials really use Facebook for pics and texts.

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The Hopeless Autistic: The Beginning of the Collapse to the Developmentally Delayed System

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I am in the process of porting some of my work at The Hopeless Autistic to this page in a form of consolidating as my advocacy has been for the most part finished since 2016. Over the last year, there was still new developments as one story of one New Hampshirite on the ASD spectrum. Some of the more coherent posts will be ported over later this summer. 

I am not a Steve Jobs.

I didn’t just happen to make a radical prediction that in four years after creating this page that the developmental disability system would ultimately collapse in 2020.

This past week, the State is still dealing with budgeting issues as 2020 in the Fiscal Year sense began on the 1st. It actually made news. In fairness, to put a disclaimer, the area agency featured in this WMUR-TV package is my area agency.

I am not in a position to criticize the area agency directly, as if I do, it would raise red flags as someone who has a big grudge and may be threat to people. Having social defects along with strong views against the contrary can be punishing.

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A Crazy Day

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In this journal-esque post, I am recording what has been a crazy day.

*sighs*

Earlier this morning, I sent a mass blast to the VIP level leaders of my state about Autism Awareness Month and how things are systematically in the wrong direction.

In the nearly two thousand word memorandum, I outlined not supporting Autism Speaks and the state of Autism in the State of New Hampshire.

The people included were former supports, current supports, management level of my previously mentioned “core” supports, including my weekend respite (who works for the Commonwealth) and the former Commissioner, and everyone else I knew. The mother was not included, due to a potential conflict if she saw the memo. The individuals were blind carbon copied (and obviously these messages aren’t literally blind if you go through deep down the “headers”, but do they care to know that? No.)

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The Sad Story of The Moore Center, part two

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https://www.instagram.com/p/BDbQm73MAr-/?taken-by=stevenclickford

In the same week I posted my experiences in a previous life dealing with The Moore Center, the Union Leader ran a story on Saturday through their City Matters columnist about a Bedford family whom their son is about to turn 21 and will be going on a wait list.

The mother, Christine Bodi tells the paper “The system is really broken”

Say that a thousand times over.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDbR17gMAvD/?taken-by=stevenclickford

In the article, the individual, Andrew is severely autistic in functioning level and therefore he should be able to get services not to long after his birthday because after all the lower functioning are at higher risk, right?

Well you’d think. But The Moore Center (like other families that just wanted a glimmer of hope – once in their lives) would soon crumble as they sent the family the infamous letter stating there isn’t any funds.

As I previously posted, the area agency seems to not cooperate well with the local school districts, and without having a direct connection, how are they supposed to know whose aging out of school system?

Meanwhile the Bureau of Developmental Services is on defense and their publicist gave the paper a non answer thanks to the HIPAA restrictions.

While the Union Leader did say it’s “good deal” for having a public/private system (i.e Bureau funding Area Agencies), some fare better than others.

I don’t want to get too hyper local on this subject, while I did initially post about my dealings with them with skepticism (with hopes they had changed) this report kinda shows how they haven’t that much.

I feel there is a time and a place to feel for others frustrations despite the need to be somewhat selfish. I do this because I don’t want other families or individuals to go through what I went through eight years ago.